On the Internet, I stumbled upon a post.
A lady who had been married for seven years was suddenly asked for a divorce by her husband.
In the past seven years, she has always tried her best to play the role of a good wife and mother, and has never neglected her appearance in the slightest. She doesn't want to be the "yellow-faced woman" who has been eroded by the years, so she always dresses herself according to her husband's preferences, hoping to become the ideal wife in his mind.
She repeatedly asked, "My life has always been centered around him, how can he abandon me so easily?" I'm so good to him, why can't he love me? ”
This is really food for thought. In many marital relationships, why do you sometimes give but don't get what you deserve?
The more flattering the relationship, the more tired it is
One visitor was disgusted by her husband because of his overly "pleasing" habits.
At home, the words she often says are:"I'm sorry", "It was my mistake", "Don't be angry".
Even when it is clearly not her fault, she immediately seeks reconciliation.
However, this behavior was exchanged for even more serious neglect by the husband.
When talking about her sore spots, she revealed that she had forgotten when she startedAs soon as she enters a relationship, she naturally wants to be loved and recognized by others
Only then can she feel the meaning of her existence.
Whenever her husband shows impatience or dislike, she feels anxious and upset and immediately wants to apologize.
In her subconscious, sporadic memories of her childhood always come to mind.
It was her father who stared at her with ** eyes and said to her:
"If you're disobedient, I'll sell you! ”
"I just want obedient children, you have to be obedient, I do it for your own good! ”
Since she never received unconditional love in her childhood, she developed the mindset that "you can only gain value if you meet the requirements of others".
Pleasing others is her subconscious behavior, and it is her self-protection mechanism in the face of trauma.
She firmly believes that as long as she keeps the other person satisfied, others will not hate her and will not hurt her.
However, in a relationship, excessive pleasing will only make you feel more and more tired.
"Challenging" women are more attractive
In marriage, we often see women who hold back their voices, but nowadays, "challenging" women are becoming more and more popular.
This personality is in stark contrast to the traditional pandering personality.
In the case of my friend Kobayashi, she exhibited this trait in her marriage.
Xiaolin and her boyfriend have been dating for four years, and before marriage, they agreed to live independently and not live with their in-laws.
However, soon after getting married, her mother-in-law frequently came to the door to find fault and was picky about her daughter-in-law Kobayashi.
But Kobayashi is not a submissive character. When the mother-in-law is picky about her meals, Kobayashi will skillfully involve her husband in the conversation and let the mother-in-law reap the consequences.
Similarly, when her mother-in-law questions her dress, Kobayashi will respond to her mother-in-law's pickiness with the help of her husband's affirmation.
Kobayashi said: ".You can't blame yourself for other people's opinions, you need to have your own bottom line and don't lose yourself in order to pander to others
Kobayashi never suppressed his emotions, but was able to express his emotions freely.
She dared to rebel and stick to her principles, while avoiding a deterioration in her relationship with her husband and mother-in-law.
Often, we think that "bad" people should be kept away.
But why is it that a woman with a "challenging personality" like Kobayashi can be happier than someone with a pandering personality?
The reason why we don't dare to "please the bad" is largely because of the fear of triggering emotional conflicts. We may be worried:
If I do this, will our relationship break down? ”
Do I convince others of what I say? ”
If I behave like this, will people still like me? ”
And a truly healthy relationship is one in which partners don't have to guess too much about each other's thoughts, and they don't feel pressured or belittled because of one partner's excessive flattery.
In fact, "currying favor" is a more positive and effective way to protect one's own rights and interests.
Only by striking a balance in the relationship can the relationship be long-lasting and nourishing for both parties.
Every "pleasing type" has the ability to transform into a "pleasing type" through emotional management and deliberate practice, release their true self, and enjoy a free and easy life.