Before that, you've definitely tried all sorts of ways to reconcile, such as the simplest, roughest, most direct, and most popular method: stalking. But what about after a meal?Instead of getting the slightest better, your ex's attitude towards you has become more resolute and indifferent.
Why did it become like this?You must understand that when your approach does not achieve the desired effect, there is only one reason:It's that your approach is wrong.
In the last second, he was calm and let the other party go, and the next second he cried and shouted that he would definitely change, begging the other party to give him a chance, I believe that no matter who he is, he will not believe it.
If you still want to reconcile, then quickly put away the stalking, not only does it mean nothing to reconcile, but it will make the situation worse. Because your ex is now in a period of rejection of you, frequent pestering and disturbing at this time will only make him see more of your bad side, except for increasing his disgust and disgust with you, it has no positive meaning for reconciliation.
Reconciliation is indeed a thing that requires ingenuity, and blindly using brute force will be counterproductive, so this article is to give you the correct understanding and thinking of reconciliation, so as to avoid going further and further on the wrong road, wasting energy and opportunities in vain.
Of course, if you want more specific and targeted analysis and guidance help, you can follow me, talk to me in detail, and I will help you.
What I said next may be very heart-wrenching, but it is beneficial to understand it early:
OneBreaking up is not a decision made by the other person in a day or two, so you should not expect a few soft words to turn the other person back
There is a law to everything, and nothing happens suddenly. Just like it takes a process for two people to go from strangers to being together, it also takes a process to go from being together to being separated, and it takes more time to go from being separated to being reconciled.
And this process is causal and coherent, and the development process of feelings can be seen from the following diagram:
The beginning of the relationship is always beautiful, some people can go to the end beautifully, and some people parted ways halfway, and the dividing point is"Handling of contradictions".
No relationship is smooth sailing, two different individuals come together, it is inevitable that there will be all kinds of friction and contradictions, this process we call the "run-in period".
The contradiction is solved in the right way, and the run-in period is successfully passed, and the feelings will become deeper and deeper;And if the contradictions are not properly handled, there will be new contradictions one after another, which will continue to accumulate and backlog, and eventually make the two people go further and further apart, until one party can't stand it and takes the initiative to break up.
A true breakup must be that the other party has experienced too many negative experiences in this relationship, produced too many negative emotions, and after a certain period of weighing the pros and cons and tangled hesitation, he finally resolutely proposed to break up, and the ex at this time is extremely rational.
And what about you?If you still want to move the other party by playing the emotional card such as entanglement, apology, weakness, and miseryUse an emotional way to recover an extremely rational ex, the ending must be worse than your ex's negative impression of you, he will think you are extremely naïve, and he still doesn't know what the problem is. Naturally, he would not agree to reconcile.
So at this moment, your emotional card doesn't work, you need to take practical actions to let the other person really see the "hope for the future", and this process takes time and patience.
Second,It's normal to have an emotional breakdown after a breakup, but you shouldn't be enslaved by emotions all the time
Breakup will bring us intense pain, insecurity and anxiety, this is because when we are in love, our inner emotional needs (security, comfort zone, sense of belonging, identity, etc.) are satisfied, two people will be together for a long time will form a satisfied emotional inertia, and separation means the rupture of emotional inertia, and there is a big gap in inner needs.
People have the instinct of self-preservation, and in the face of abandonment and injury, "emotional breakdown" has become a way of self-venting and self-protection, and it is precisely because of this emotional drive that we instinctively want to get back to the time when we were satisfied.
So, emotional breakdowns after a breakup are a normal reaction for us as human beings, but if you still want to reconcile, you can't act on instinct – you need to overcome your instincts, learn to manage your emotions, and avoid doing a series of irrational things because of emotional impulses, which will lead to further deterioration of the relationship.
Why does letting emotions work not only doesn't work, but hinders our process of reconciliation?
1. Once you are emotionally impulsive, then your efforts to reconcile will become blind entanglementYour so-called affectionate outpouring is essentially nothing more than venting your negative emotions on your exYou are expecting someone who wants to leave you to take responsibility for your emotions and take responsibility for your needs, and your reconciliation will become a demand, asking for the other party's response, asking for the other party's forgiveness.
2. When you just break up, it is often the time when the conflict between two people is most intense, and his tolerance and acceptance of you at this time is already low, and you rush to seek reconciliation, isn't that just hitting the muzzle?
3. A person who is immersed in negative emotions and depraved and decadent all day long cannot be attractive. Attractiveness is shaped by a positive image. The ex originally proposed to break up because you were not worthy of him to stay, and you are still seeking reconciliation by continuing to lower your own value, of course, you will be farther and farther away from the result you want. To keep your ex coming back, you need to increase your value.
I know it's hard to control your emotions, but to do anything, if you want to succeed, you need to overcome the inertia and laziness of human nature, and the more people who can control and manage themselves, the easier it is to succeed.
So, after a breakup, you have emotions to vent, but don't find your ex to vent, you can cry for a few days, but don't keep immersed in emotions. You can also follow me, I will be your listener, and can give you professional and useful analysis and help.
Third,Disconnection itself can't solve all problems, and you can't wait until the other party turns back
Many people have too high expectations for disconnection, thinking that if they disappear for a while, the other party will take the initiative to contact you, don't dream!
The disconnection is like a container, the important thing is not the disconnection itself, but whether you have made effective changes during the disconnection!
Maybe you have been too dependent on the other person and given the other person too much attention, and the other party can easily affect your joys, sorrows, and sorrows. In this case, your emotions are like duckweed, rising and falling with the waves of the other party, with no foundation - your own energy is very low.
In addition to giving the other party a period of time to digest and creating "unavailability" for the other party, it is more important to give you a great opportunity to sort out your lovelorn emotions, let go of your unhealthy dependence on your ex, and restore your independence and sanity - from a duckweed swaying in the wind to a big tree deeply rooted in the ground and capable of supporting yourself.
Four keywords: Focus on yourself – focus on your own world and rebuild a more attractive lifestyle.
It is also important to use this precious disconnection time to completely review your relationship, find out the real reason for the other person's departure, and then solve the problem and change yourself.
Those who can really play a role in the disconnection are all people who have done and not done during the disconnection without exception. Knowing what to do and what not to do, your reconciliation will be more than half successful.
Many people are always in the period of disconnection, either can't help but try to contact their ex, or just count the days and days to stay up and disconnect, and the final result is often unsatisfactory.
Fourth,Ineffective action?The premise of change is not action, but cognition
Many people know that after a breakup, they want to improve and change themselves, but their approach is: sign up for fitness and yoga classes, buy a lot of books, and pretend to put down their WeChat signatures. Fill your schedule every day.
You think that's "change".
But remember: changes that are made before the correct understanding is established, or they are empty and shattered at the touch of a button;Either three points of heat, no effect.
Therefore, don't rush to act, before acting, establish a correct understanding for yourself, know what the direction of progress is, and your efforts will be meaningful.
Through the cases I have been in contact with in the past few years, girls who have been broken up in a relationship often have the following mistakes in their cognition:
Not good at digging into the charm of yourself
You don't know what attracts him the most or what keeps him the most. indulge in the whirlpool of suspicion of his "love or not" every day, and put all your energy into him. After a long time, the other party will inevitably see that you don't have your own life at all, and pay attention to his every move all day long.
As a result, you ignore your own charm, and your excessive attention to the other party raises his narcissism, and the gap is getting bigger and bigger, and he will drift away, and naturally he will not cherish you.
Attachment to each other
Many girls can live well alone when they are single, but once they fall in love, their self-world begins to collapse and they become extraordinarily attached to each other mentally.
Gradually, you begin to take each other for granted to accept the other party's material gifts, and you also begin to take it for granted to be the other party's life nanny, you begin to worry about the other party being hooked by the opposite sex around you, but you never think about why the other party has no such worries about you.
When you begin to attach yourself to each other spiritually, you no longer think about how to realize your own light, but how you can not be abandoned by the other person.
Once you give the other person too much certainty, the relationship will not be any fun for him, he will start to be interested in other people or things that he has attracted but not received, and you will be left behind by him.
I am alone, and I don't know how to be grateful and understand
Many girls are prone to trouble in relationships, and I know that you are insecure, so you need to let the other party prove their loyalty and dependence on you in everything and at all times.
But you haven't thought that you have a sense of security, but every time you make trouble, the other party needs to put a lot of energy to coax you, and over time, getting along with you becomes a very stressful and suffocating thing.
Maybe you're beautiful, maybe you're good, he admits all of this, but the price of being with you is too great, he can't pay attention to you and satisfy you all the time, he's too exhausted.
The likes of the past are real, and the inappropriateness of the present is also true. It may be a pity to be separated, but he won't regret it.
So, if you still have these or these thoughts, please adjust as soon as possible. Cognition cannot be adjusted, and even if it is temporarily reconciled, it will be a repeat of the past.
The authorities are confused, the bystanders are clear, and the parties are often unable to accurately find the problem, whether it is their own or in the relationship, but it is a very important thing to find the cause, after all, retention is the right medicine. You can follow me, talk to me, and maybe you will discover something new.
Fifth,Change doesn't need to be perfect in every way, you just need to figure out what the other person needs
Everyone's time and energy are limited, and change doesn't require you to be good at everything, after all, very few people will become all-rounders. And everyone's value for the other half is different, you just need to recognize what kind of partner the other person needs, and then change it in a targeted manner.
Everyone's needs for their partner are different, but in general, they are inseparable from the following:
The need for appearance:Some people are "face control", and they especially care about the other half's appearance, figure, whether the outfit is fashionable, whether the temperament is good, etc.;
The need for emotional value:Some people are particularly eager for emotional value, hoping that the other half can understand him, have common topics with him, respect him, understand him, support him, appreciate him, and make him feel particularly comfortable and happy to get along with;
The need for practicality:And some people will care more about the practical value of the other half, such as companionship, care when sick, a delicious meal waiting for him when he comes home from a tiring day, and so on
The need for aura and strength:Some people especially appreciate the other half who is enterprising and self-motivated, with a sense of concentration when they are busy with work, a sense of conversation and laughter when socializing, a sense of control when solving problems, and a good social low position of material wealth.
You have to think about it, what are the needs that the other party cares about more, what shining points he once liked you for, what shortcomings you exposed and didn't like you in getting along, and whether he complained to you when he quarreled, these are all clues to help you explore.
Sixth,Pay attention to the deadliest mental problem in the process of reconciliation – anxiety
Festinger's Law says that in lifeThings are made up of yourself, and something elseIt's up to you to react to things.
In the process of reconciliation, we will always have the following psychology from time to time:
If he is a little cold to you, you will feel like the sky is falling;
Change without getting a response from the other party, and start thinking cranky;
Always worry about whether he will like someone else;
Always wondering if I've lost him forever;
This anxious state of mind not only puts you in a deep psychological torment, but also affects your judgment and your actions, and will also be reflected in your face and the tone of your chat with the other party, so that the other party can see that you are humble and unconfident, which will cause two consequences:
Increase and good obstacles
You will take some actions to alleviate your anxiety, such as if he doesn't reply to the message to make you anxious, you will continue to send messages, call ** to contact the other party, and return to the original stalking situation, it is easy to arouse the other party's disgust and rejection again, resulting in the abandonment of all previous efforts.
Or you can't stand the torment of this anxiety and plan to give up, so you say cruel words to the other party, but it doesn't take long for you to suppress your thoughts and find the other party again.
The problem cannot be solved
We talked a lot about the reasons for the breakup, solving the problem, and changing yourself, which is the decisive factor in determining whether the reconciliation can be successful, and it is also about whether you can go on for a long time after the reconciliation. But if you are dominated by anxiety for a long time, your energy is used for internal consumption, how can you have the energy to focus on the problem itself?
Not only to torture the other person, but also to yourself.
So, it's normal to have anxiety, but we have to find a way to overcome it.
There are two things to overcome anxiety
One is to recognize the existence of anxiety, understand your own eagerness and pain, the impulse to contact the other person, and the torment of waiting for the other party's response, which is essentially your anxiety;
The second point is to pay attention to yourself, why are you so easily anxious?Because your attention is still on the other person, and the other person is out of your control, you are anxious. When you shift your attention to yourself, focus on problem solving, focus on self-improvement, and focus on your own life, you will naturally not be anxious because you are always acting and always moving upward.
SeventhDon't blindly lower your profile to cater to the other party, you also have to learn to guide the other party to give
This relationship is that the other party wants to leave, we want to reconcile, and we will indeed be more likely to be at a disadvantage at the beginning, because we must show ourselves to each other, take the initiative to open a topic with each other, ponder each other's preferences, and think about what is good and what is not, but this does not mean that you have to be at a disadvantage all the time.
In the middle and late stages of reconciliation, when the relationship between two people eases better, you can moderately express your own thoughts and feelings, and take the initiative to guide the other party to pay for you, especially when the girl retains her ex-boyfriend, you have shown your value in the front, then you can no longer open your mouth to seek reconciliation, but to give the initiative to decide the relationship to the other party, you can create an ambiguous atmosphere, but let the other party come to the other party.
After all, a healthy relationship should be about both parties paying, and if you have always taken the initiative from beginning to end, then even if you are reconciled, it is very risky.
In fact, the whole process after the reunion, the operation is very targeted, you need to consider how to chat with each other, how to promote the relationship with each other and how to guide each other to pay according to your problems, the other party's personality, preferences, response to you, the mode of getting along between you, etc., everyone pay attention to me, I will help you.
Eighth,Even if it is reconciled, it does not mean that it is done, and the real success can be maintained for a long time
In fact, if you don't consider the relationship between the two people after reconciliation, it is actually very easy to reconcile, and there are too many ways to arouse a person's impulse or emotion, and promise to reconcile with you.
But this kind of reconciliation has very serious drawbacks, that is, after reconciliation, it is still full of loopholes, because the fundamental problems that determine your relationship have not been solved, so it is difficult to maintain, and a second breakup is a matter of time.
So see that?Your so-called ineffective reconciliation is actually just that you don't know how to avoid lightning at all.
As long as the two parties really love, they will not completely break up in a breakup, and they can always find a beam of light, a certain line of life, and pull back a game.
The problem is that the slightest careless direction of force will cover this beam of light, and at this time, it may not be effective if you want to change it, because the other party has completely distrusted you.
NinthThe real retention, you must not keep the other person, but the originally better yourself
I always say to my cadets:There is no one in this world who can't live without anyone, and each of us lives to the end and is a loner.
You have to accept that everything in this world is impermanent, that everyone around you can leave you, and that no one or anything else is under your control.
What is the ultimate goal of our efforts to retain?Is it for the other person?
Not really!Our ultimate goal is to keep ourselves.
Everyone has shortcomings of one kind or anotherIntimacy is like a mirror that exposes all of our hidden shortcomings, your dependency patterns, your communication patterns, your ability to manage your emotions, your inertia, your temperament, and so on and so forth.
And the breakup is just a result of these shortcomings and the effect of time.
The meaning of retention is to find problems and solve them, and finally make yourself a more stable and independent individual with a more stable core.
When you become better, your ex will naturally be attracted to you. Take 10,000 steps back, even if the ex can't come back, you have enough ability to attract a better person, enough ability to manage a long-term intimate relationship, these core competencies belong to you are the root of your happiness, and they will not disappear with the departure of someone.
Therefore, if you have transformed yourself in the process of reconciliation, then even if your ex does not look back, your retention will be successful;If your ex comes back and you don't have any benefit of your own, then the retention is a failure.
We must think clearly about this.
Finally, I also wish everyone can gain and grow in this process, of course, the process of reconciliation still involves a lot of details, if you still have questions, you can follow me, I will help you.