Festinger's Law says that in lifeThings are made up of yourself, and something elseIt's up to you how you react to things.
The same is true for reconciliation, 10% of success is determined by your personal factors, your personal charm, the strength of your motivation, and the remaining 90% is determined by your mentality.
Mentality determines fate is never a chicken soup, because reconciliation is a process that requires time and patience, and is accompanied by many unpredictable accidents, if you can't face the other party's hot and cold attitude towards you in the process, and can't control your psychological dependence on him, then even if you have more skills, it is impossible to reconcile.
Because the mentality is not right, all your operations will be deformed.
He doesn't reply to your messages, and you feel like you'll never have a chance again
Always worry about whether there will be a new love in his life;
In the face of his hot and cold, he also became a victim of gains and losses
Is this a common state of mind that you have after a breakup?
In my experience in the past few years, I have found that most of the people who want to reconcile after a breakup come to me in a state of emotional breakdown, and have been blindly entangled in such a state, and have been rejected by their ex more indifferently, which not only caused trouble to the other party's life, but also embarrassed themselves even more. Therefore, I want to use this article to systematically help everyone sort out their mentality after the breakup, and help everyone achieve reconciliation in a more relaxed and high-level way, and refuse internal friction.
If you need more detailed and specific communication, you can follow me, we will chat one-on-one, and I will give you more dry goods suitable for you.
OneWhat obstacles can an unstable mindset cause to reconciliation?
Whether the success of reconciliation depends on your mentality construction", this sentence is really correct, if we do not do the mentality construction in the process of reconciliation, it means that the purpose of your release to the other party is very strong, in order to retain and retain, so your mentality is very susceptible to the influence of the other party's words and deeds.
For example, if the other party responds to you positively because he is in a good mood today, you will be ecstatic;
If one day they respond to you coldly, or don't respond at all, you start thinking again and blaming yourself for all their actions.
Your state of mind is up and down, not calm as water, and you get into a very serious vicious circle.
Increase the difficulty of reconciliation
When you are dominated by the desire to "want the other person to come back", you will fall into irrational emotional impulses, and you will take some actions to ease your emotions. For example, if the other party does not reply to you, you will continue to send messages to ask for a response. And what does such behavior seem to the other party?It's harassment!
He doesn't see your love at all, but your childishness, your humility, your incomprehensibility.
Or you yourself can't stand the pain of a breakup, and tell the other party that you will never contact him again, and then what?After a few days, you can't help but think about reconciliation, and the other party will only think that you are capricious.
These will undoubtedly increase the cycle and difficulty of reconciliation, and even lead to reconciliation failure.
The fundamental problem cannot be solved
An important part of reconciliation is to solve the fundamental contradiction that led to the breakup of the two. The reason for your breakup may be the difference in living habits, or the conflict of personality, or the unmet needs, which is not only related to the success or failure of reconciliation, but also determines whether you can go on healthy and long-term after reconciliation.
And you, you are only enslaved by your own emotions, you can't see the root cause behind the breakup, you don't know what the other party wants, you blindly impulsively play the emotional card and beg the other party to come back, just ask, why do you want him to turn back, he has to come back?Just because you've been together?Just because you can't live without him?
Everyone enters a relationship with something, either for appearance, or for happiness, or for materialism, what can you bring to each other?Do you know what exactly he wants?He is not a living bodhisattva, he is not sacrificing his feelings and needs to help you.
Your energy is used to fight emotions, everyone's energy is limited, you don't have the energy to really solve problems, and naturally you can't win the favor of the other person.
Unhealthy mood state
Mood is a relatively weak and long-lasting emotional state that infects all emotional experiences with a certain color. The so-called relationship is born from the heart, and your state can be felt from your expression and the tone of your voice.
As an intuitive example, a long-term depressed mood is likely to lead to depression. Similarly, being in a state of emotional breakdown for a long time can also lead to psychological problems, low self-esteem, insecurity, insomnia, depression, and anxiety caused by intimacy, which can even affect your personality.
When your whole person is in a state of mourning, negative energy, and depression, how can you be attractive?And how can you attract your ex to pay attention to you again?You know, attraction is all about positive value.
IIWhy a breakup can cause such a swing in your mindset
In fact, not everyone will experience the collapse of the spiritual world after a breakup, and they will not blindly and impulsively entangle each other, lower their self-esteem and beg each other back. Although many people are also in pain after a breakup, they can deal with this emotion correctly and can quickly get out of the impact of falling out of love and rebuild their personal world.
Why do different individuals have such differences?This is closely related to our attachment patterns.
The famous psychologist Kim Bartholomew believes that everyone's attachment pattern is different, and he divides the attachment pattern into secure and insecure, of which insecure includes anxiety, avoidance and fear.
Every human being is born in a constant search for belonging and relationships to build a sense of security and belonging. If a person does not get enough love and acceptance during this period or childhood, and is given identity and love, such as parents are often not around, or parents often suppress and criticize children, etc., it will cause individuals to have insecure attachment patterns.
Such a child's inner world is imperfect, and this pain of not being recognized and not being loved will be like a wound that will never heal for the rest of his life. Don't look at it when you're single, you can hide it well, but once you get into intimacy—very close to the family of origin—your trauma is exposed again.
The departure of the other half activates the insecurity that you once felt unloved, unaccepted, abandoned, and alienated, which is why you have such big fluctuations in the breakup. You seem to have returned to your childhood, and your mind has become a child, desperately trying to grab the attention of the other party and constantly ask for the love of the other party.
Because his heart is too weak, he relies too much on people and things in the outside world, and once the other party leaves, the whole world will collapse.
And those with secure attachment patterns, because their inner spiritual world is rich and their spiritual nourishment is completely self-sufficient, so although the departure of the other half will make them sad, they have the ability to repair and complete the "spiritual recovery" relatively quickly.
So, do you understand?The reason why you are so miserable is not because of how much you love him, you are just too lacking and have not established enough stable self-boundaries that the breakup will have a huge impact on your world.
Your focus should be on paying attention to yourself, improving yourself, adjusting your mentality, and attracting the other person with an independent personality, rather than crying and begging the other person to turn back all day long.
For people whose original family is not satisfied, rebuilding one's heart will be a lifelong lesson, and although the process is painful, it will make you grow into a healthier and stronger person. If you are also experiencing the pain of a breakup, you might as well take this breakup as an opportunity for yourself to keep the other party, and also to keep the self that could have been better, pay attention to me, and I will help you from a professional point of view.
IIIHow to maintain a good mindset during the reconciliation process
Many people are curious about why the ex is always cloudy, yesterday was fine, why did he ignore me today, I think the other party is too ruthless, but in fact, have you ever thought about it, maybe it's your problem, due to your emotional changes, it brings the other party a different feeling, and the other party is just a feedback after receiving your emotions.
Different mentalities bring different feelings to each other, and the final result is different.
So if you still want to reconcile, you have to recognize the reality, now is not the time for you to be together, it's not for you to lower your posture and coax each other a few words, and he can come back. You've been together for so long, and he's already familiar with your temperament and knows your routines.
Reconciliation takes time to precipitate, and it is necessary to dilute his negative impression of you, implant your strengths and changes, and attract the other party back step by step.
Zero-down mentality
Don't dwell on the past, start with the present. Dare to admit the reality, dare to accept the fact that you have broken up, and don't dwell on the past feelings and lose yourself. There are many people, even if they break up, they will still subconsciously regard themselves as each other's partners, and it is difficult to change roles, such as:
Greet each other every morning and evening;
Send a small essay to each other when you can't sleep at night;
After drinking, I called the other party ** to spit out the truth after drinking;
You have to understand that you have broken up, and you can no longer ** disturb each other's lives.
If you want the other person to turn back, then start from the beginning to attract him, instead of harassing him all the time with the help of previous feelings!
Like your first acquaintance, re-enter each other's lives as ordinary friends and mentality, recall when you first met, did you show each other your value, carefully test each other's reactions, gradually understand and advance the relationship, and finally get together?
When you can face each other with a new attitude, he will also be influenced by you, and look at you from a new perspective, and then let yourself make targeted changes, I believe it will be more effective than you blindly entangled.
Reduce the sense of need
What is a "sense of need"?
It refers to the "desire to get", and "feeling" is a "feeling", and the more eager the mood is to get it, the higher the sense of need.
Some people have a strong sense of need, and when facing the opposite sex, they are easy to behave very eagerly, which is to tell the right, I want to control you, I want to get you, I want to possess you. This kind of mentality tends to put too much pressure on the other person, and when the relationship is not in place, the stronger your sense of need, the more you will be rejected by the other person.
BecauseA strong sense of need is essentially an excessive taking, your contribution is not in place, the other party's good impression of you is not in place, he is not ready to be with you, the more you push him, the more he will lower his good impression of you. After all, no one wants to be "prostituted for nothing".
How to reduce the sense of need?- Enrich yourself
The more idle people are, the stronger the sense of need. Because I'm too idle, I'm just cranky.
So you might as well make your life a little fuller, think about what problems you exposed in your last relationship, what needs the other person has that you don't meet, and start to set goals from now on, improve yourself, and improve your real life and spiritual life.
Here, I also recommend a few books suitable for self after falling out of love, I believe it will bring you some help in your lovelorn (in no particular order, it is recommended to like it first and then collect).
"The Courage to Be Hated" (Koga Shiken).
"The Family of Origin" (Susan Foward).
"The Rebuilding of the Heart" (Louise Sea).
"Why We Broke Up" (Mao Lu).
"The Five Abilities of Love" (Zhao Yongheng).
Bruce Fisher Robert Eberty
The fundamental reason why the other party leaves us is that our value is lower than that of the other party, resulting in the other party's needs in the relationship are not met.
The process of enriching yourself is the process of adding value and chips to yourself. In the game of high and low levels of your relationship, increase your odds of victory.
When you have enough value to attract the other person and have enough ability to meet the needs of the other party, it is easy for you to stimulate more curiosity and attention of the other person, and re-find the cohesion of the relationship.
Learn to delay gratification
Many people in the process of reconciliation, due to the anxious mentality, there is no way to delay gratification, they can't wait to get the interaction of the clockwork circle of friends, the clockwork message can be successfully ice-breaking, with a little change to expect to get the other party's approval, once they meet, they can't wait to propose reconciliation.
You must know that the emotional world is very fair, and it is not that if you give a few points, you can immediately get a few points of response from the other party. Because he has accumulated disappointments in your relationship and has a lot of negative perceptions of you, no matter how good you becomeHe always takes time to confirm your authenticity and reliability
All you need to do is stick to your actions, give the other person enough time and patience, and wait for his trust in you to re-establish himself.
Don't be desperate to ask for a response, let alone be discouraged because you can't get a response from the other party, stick to it, as long as you get the method, you will always get the desired result.
Finally, about the breakup and reconciliation and the details of the operation, you need to formulate a specific strategy according to each person's different situations, pay attention to me, I will help you analyze, give you the right method guidance, and help you throughout the process to maximize the probability of success. What's more, it's to help you get back to a better version of yourself in the process!