Author |Kaede** When the boy pie picked up his son from school a few days ago, he happened to see such a scene.
A little boy was clamoring to buy street food at the school gate, but his mother was unhygienic and refused in one bite.
The boy sat on the ground with a "snap" and shouted, "I'm going to eat, if I don't buy it, I'm not leaving!".”
Mom stiffened her face and said coldly, "Don't make trouble!."”
But the boy still cried and cried.
At this time, my mother's anger came up and yelled:
I'll count to three, and if you make any more trouble, I'll go!”
The boy was visibly frightened, and immediately stood up, pursed his lips vigorously, and tried to stop crying, but his body still twitched unconsciously.
I can't help but think of a sentence said by psychologist Philippa Perry:
When your child throws a tantrum, if you yell at him or treat him harshly, it will make the situation worse.
When you respond like that, you are punishing your child for expressing feelings. ”
But in reality, in the face of their children's temper, many parents' first reaction is to stop it.
If it doesn't work, your emotions will get out of control, and you may even respond to your child's anger with threats, abuse, beatings and other violent ways.
As everyone knows, a child's tantrum itself is harmless, and preventing a child's tantrum is harmful.
The child's temper
It's his language
A psychiatrist once told about such a case.
An 8-year-old boy who has a lot of tantrums.
I accidentally knocked over the block, and I lay on the ground and rolled around. When I lost playing a game with a child, I had a bitter face and didn't talk to anyone.
His parents patiently coaxed him and reasoned with him every time, but the boy just got angry when he didn't agree.
The parents had no choice but to seek help from the doctor.
The doctor asked them, "What do you think your child is trying to express when he has a tantrum?"”
Parents feel that their children are willful and lack discipline.
But after the doctor talked to the boy in detail, he found out:
The reason why the boy often gets angry uncontrollably is because of his anger at his own incompetence.
Because he has an older brother who is excellent everywhere, he also wants to be praised by his parents all the time like his brother, but he always messes things up every time.
The boy's heart is filled with all kinds of frustration and powerlessness, which makes him more likely to get angry in irritable and restless emotions.
There are no unprovoked tempers, only unseen thoughts and demands.
Psychology also says that children lose their temper because their psychological needs are not met.
And children's needs are often concentrated in these four aspects:The importance of accompaniment, exploration, attention, and affirmation.
Only by understanding the needs behind their children's anger can parents resolve their children's tempers at the root.
There is such a story in the book "Listen to the Child".
A little brother, when he received a birthday gift from his mother, suddenly shouted angrily:
Why did you send me this?You don't have me in your heart at all!Only my brother ......”
After a roar, he was about to drop the present.
Mom didn't get angry and didn't reprimand.
Because she understood that the reason why her brother was angry was because the gift she bought for her brother was similar to the last time she gave him.
She saw the language behind her brother's anger: You don't love me and you don't care about me.
So, she said softly:
I'm sorry you didn't like it, but I do want to give you a nice gift. I love you so much that I would never want to hurt you. ”
After saying that, my mother gave my brother a hug.
Unexpectedly, the younger brother not only lost his temper quickly, but also happily accepted the birthday gift.
As the writer Rebs said:
The child loses his temper at you because he wants you to go into his heart and solve the problem. ”
The child's outburst of emotions, his face, and his throwing things seem to be making trouble, but they are actually asking for help.
So when a child is angry, parents may wish to remind themselves first:
The various bad tempers presented by children are only the tip of the iceberg exposed on the surface of the water.
The child's inner emotions, such as helplessness, worry, fear, ......It's all hidden under the iceberg, and that's the real emotion we need to see.
Tantrums are not allowed
It's the most hurtful thing for children
The Neglected Child: How to Overcome Emotional Neglect in Childhood says
A child's emotions are like flowing water, and their source is his heart. If a barrier is placed in front of the water, the water will either bypass the barrier and change the direction of flow, or it will have to flow back to the source.
It also means that the child inflicts his emotions on himself and hurts himself. ”
If the child is not allowed to lose his temper, the child can only bury his emotions in his heart.
When bad emotions accumulate to a certain extent, they will eventually explode in a more violent way.
In a playground in Guangdong, such a scene happened.
A little boy was playing excitedly when he was suddenly knocked to the ground by another child.
The boy was a little angry and ran to complain to his father.
As a result, instead of being comforted, the father kept blaming the boy:
Didn't I just hit you?What's so angry, it's not atmospheric at all, it's not like a manly ......”
In the process of his father's reprimand, the boy blushed, like a balloon that was getting more and more angry, and it seemed that it was about to burst in the next second.
Sure enough, the boy erupted "wow" and beat his nose again and again, until the bleeding stopped.
Emotions that cannot be vented will eventually turn into attacks on oneself by children.
It's just that some children digest their emotions through self-harm, while some children digest their temper into the depths of their hearts.
A netizen on Zhihu said:
Since I was a child, my parents have set two rules for me, a manly husband, one can't cry, and the other can't get angry. ”
Whenever he didn't hold back his anger, his mother would blacken her face and roar angrily to make him hold back his temper.
Several times, he couldn't help glaring at his mother and smashed things, but his mother beat him with a ring ruler.
Slowly, he learned to be patient, he stopped crying, he was no longer willful, but he no longer told his feelings.
Robbed toys, he doesn't care;was bullied by his classmates, but he kept silent;Criticized by his parents, he does not justify.
Teachers and relatives praised him for being sensible, educated, and good-tempered.
But only he knows that under his gentle appearance, his heart has long been pierced by suppressed emotions.
That's why after he was depressed for 10 years, he was overwhelmed and depressed.
As the saying goes, if tears don't flow out, they will eventually hurt themselves.
Blindly preventing a child from losing his temper is undoubtedly forcing the child to swallow his grievances.
Patience again and again will only make the child carry a heavy "emotional baggage" and be physically and mentally devastated.
Allow children to expel the garbage in their hearts, so that the sun can shine into their hearts.
Teach your child to be angry
It is a compulsory course for parents
Amy Morin, a world-renowned psychologist, once said in "13 Things Parents with Strong Hearts Won't Do".
Your role is not to make your child smile, but to help him learn to face uncomfortable feelings independently. ”
Every child will inevitably lose their temper at times.
What we need to do is not to rush to stop and blame, but to use it as an opportunity to educate and help children grow.
Here are 3 formulas to help parents teach their children to be angry.
Step 1: "I feel I hope", express feelings and demands.
Teacher Fan Deng once said that when a large number of children lose their temper, they will only splash and roll and shout, because he knows nothing else except this trick, and no one has taught him to express his emotions correctly.
Therefore, the first step in managing emotions is to teach children to express their emotions.
On weekdays, parents can demonstrate first.
For example, a child is depressed because a toy has been broken by a classmate.
At this point, you can guide him to express his feelings and demands.
I feel very angry that Zhang Ming played my Ultraman without my consent, and also broke Ultraman's arm, and I hope he will compensate me for one. ”
The process of letting children express their emotions in words is actually to help children slowly return to the state of rational brain calmness from the state of emotional brain fever.
Step 2: "Affirm release" and deal with emotions reasonably.
The little boy in the picture book "Ah-I'm Angry" starts to lose his temper at his mother after accidentally falling off a chair while holding a biscuit from a high place.
Mom didn't get angry and didn't accuse, but said mildly:
Don't yell, don't yell, and don't hit the floor, that won't help.
I know you're angry right now, I have a good idea, count from 1 to 10, you give it a try. ”
After the little boy did so, he really stopped throwing tantrums.
As the old saying goes, "If you are depressed, you will be dissolved, and if you are depressed, you will be scattered." ”
When a child is angry, we might as well affirm the child's emotions first, so that the child knows that his bad mood can be accepted.
Then slowly guide the child to release all the bad emotions, such as: listen to **, hit the pillow, run downstairs, and shout ...... to the treeLearn to vent negative emotions, so that children can better repair their emotions. Step 3: "I think you think" and look for a solution. When a child is angry, his demands are inevitably negative and intense. Of course, we can't allow children to solve problems according to their own emotions.
Therefore, after the child has vented his emotions, we can help him find the right way to deal with the problem.
For example, we can say: "I think you can tell Zhang Ming that it was your beloved Ultraman, and now it is destroyed by him, you are sad and angry, and he needs to apologize to you and promise that there will be no next time, what do you think?".We need to give a reasonable solution to the child first, but we can't force him to agree, and a "what do you think" is a sign of respect, so that the child is more willing to accept our plan. When children Xi expressing anger in a calm way, they will naturally learn to control their temper. 
It's not a bad thing for a child to be angry, it's an opportunity for him to learn how to manage his emotions. So when your child "fried", please be patient and patient. Seeing the hidden demands behind the child's temper, accompany the child to release and vent reasonably. Only in this way can children step by step get out of the quagmire of emotions and gradually become the masters of emotions. LitLookingLet the children grow towards the sun in love and acceptance. 
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