The dark night sky shrouds the vast land, and the stars dot the infinite expanse of the Milky Way, creating a picture of endless tranquility. The lights of thousands of houses are gradually lit up, and the whole city is like a lit starry sky, overflowing with warm starlight. Looking up at the sky, a sickle moon is embedded in the sky, like a small fishing boat casting a mysterious net, like a light veil of hazy moonlight, filling the whole city more and more charming.
After eating, Xiao Yan took out the ocarina she bought in Nanluoguxiang Commercial Street and blew it leisurely. That voice, in Xiao Yan's opinion, was like a dream. But the grandmother, who lived with the family of three, immediately stopped: "It's late, it's too noisy." ”
Xiao Yan paused, but continued to blow. Mom understands that she is in the mood, and it is a waste of time to work against her. Maybe at that moment, my mother was in a good mood and said casually: "It's okay, she likes it, just let her blow it for a while." ”
Xiao Yan listened, but put down the flute, kissed her mother lightly on the forehead, and then went back to the bedroom to do her homework seriously. Mother looked at Xiaoyan's back thoughtfully, and wondered: Her "rebellion" ** went?Could it be that my little supportive words are a kind of recognition for her, so that they are not so confrontational?
Mom is a thinking person. This little thing touched her a lot. She recalled Xiaoyan's "rebellious" performance in the past two years of high school, and her face was full of sadness.
Let's take a few examples: you ask her to wear a school uniform, and she prefers to wear a tracksuit;You ask her to review and prepare for the exam, but she prefers to watch **;You let her go to bed early, but she listens to **....Sometimes she knows you're right, but she's going to do it. Reason with her, but she has ten truths waiting for you. In this way, she is like a landmine, and the slightest step on it may cause her to bombard indiscriminately. Besides, this little matter of playing the flute, if her mother also spoke out against it, then Xiaoyan may have to blow it to the end. But I didn't expect a casual compliment to make Xiaoyan show an empathetic side.
This reminds me of Chinese parents, who often devote themselves to their children, are good at telling big truths, and hope that their children will follow the so-called right path, but what really moves their children is a simple sentence from the heart. In the hearts of adults, there are many rules and standards, but the world of children is colorful. Adults often boast of being experienced and able to take on the responsibility of educating children, but they ignore the child's true and simple desire. Parents used to be children, but when they grow up and become parents, they forget how they felt as children.
Parents love their children, but they don't necessarily know how to love them. Analyzing, due to the different ideas, life attitudes, and educational backgrounds of parents, the way of expression is also different. According to this, parents can be divided into three types: monarchy, servant, and friend.
Monarchical parents are more solipsistic. They make house rules that children are required to follow. If a child violates, they feel that their authority is being challenged. This type of parent is very convinced of their own philosophy of life and does not know how to respect the opinions of others, at least not their children. Their mantra often is: "You should do this!".It shouldn't be done like that!This kind of parents are prone to the dilemma of comparison, urgency, urgency, and anger. They are accustomed to comparing their own children to other people's children. The result is often that their children are not as good as other people's children, and they even feel that their children have more and more problems, so they start to be anxious, anxious, and impatient. In this state of mind, their educational methods tend to be simplistic, stipulating and demanding children according to their own subjective wishes. If the child fails to meet his own regulations and requirements, he will discipline, manage, and force, and force the child to act according to the will of the parents, and the result of forcing will definitely make the child's situation worse. This kind of short-term behavior not only does not solve the fundamental problem of children's growth, but can lead to children's rebellion and school aversion.
Slave parents are the opposite of monarch parents. Their life is child-centered, revolves around the child as a whole, and they are spoiled by the child in every way, afraid that the child will be wronged a little. They believe that love is self-sacrifice. When it comes to Chinese parents, they have a very popular saying, that is: as long as you can be admitted to a prestigious university, you don't need to do any housework. As a result, children are self-centered, lack self-control, and grow up with less independence and a sense of achievement.
Friend-type parents, on the other hand, are literal in the literal sense of the word, treating their children as if they were friends. They share with their children what they have seen and heard from the outside, share the trivial matters of life, and listen carefully to the children's voices, whether the children are happy, angry, scared or sad. But they are not unprincipled. Their approach is to treat their children as equals, not to consider themselves superior to their children because they are older, and not to respect their personal wishes because they are young. Such a relationship between parents and children is harmonious and close because of the friendship like friends.
We all love the third type of parent. A free, friendly and harmonious family atmosphere is most conducive to the growth of children. But this is the most difficult to achieve, because the closeness between family members often makes people lose their proportion, which is an important reason why "home hurts".
Let's go back to Xiaoyan's "rebellious" characteristics.
As an individual, everyone has to grow. When children reach puberty, they naturally have to break free from the arms of their parents, gradually move towards independence, and prepare for entering society in the future. The reason why parents feel anxious and uncomfortable with this is because it touches their parents' sense of awareness and control. There is nothing wrong with children rebelling, it is their parents who are at fault, they still look at their children with old eyes, and the older they get, the more afraid they are of change. Needless to say, in the face of adolescent rebellious children, parents need to grow up!
Xiaoyan's mother is a caring person, she began to reflect with Xiaoyan's father from the trivial matter of her daughter Xiaoyan playing the flute, from the communication style of the family of three to their respective personality characteristics. They also invited relatives and friends to chat and listen to their experiences and suggestions. Indeed, once you calm down and think about it, you understand that it is not easy for Xiaoyan's parents, who have long passed the age of confusion, to see their own shortcomings.
So my mother tried to understand Xiaoyan's "rebellious" psychology, but my mother also had her own incomprehension and grievances. My mother felt that her daughter Xiaoyan had studied very easily since she was a child, and she did not go to cram school like many children, did not learn Olympiad mathematics, and did not pass the English exam in advance, let alone various training classes in society, so her mother felt that her education was enlightened and rational. If it weren't for Xiaoyan's "rebellious" character in the past two years, her mother might still be immersed in her own rational education realm and couldn't extricate herself. Mom also observed that if the same sentence came out of her father's mouth, Xiaoyan would be happy to accept it, but if it was her mother, Xiaoyan would often talk back. This caused the mother to think deeply. Gradually, she realized that the way she spoke was sometimes disliked by others, such as not being tactful enough, being straightforward, and making her tone too affirmative and uncomfortable. If everyone has his own reason, then the way and method are particularly important, and the ideas in the family are actually contained in these ways and methods, not in empty preaching.
If you want to be a truly qualified parent, you must break free from the instinctive love for your child and love your child with thought. While actively guiding children, try to understand the psychological characteristics of children at this age, and do not impose their own ideas on children. Treating children equally means acknowledging that children are independent individuals and that no one knows their own feelings better than themselvesEvery child, and even every person, has the deepest desire to make their own decisions about their own learning and lifeParents do not interfere at will, let alone claim to be saviors. If you look at your child in this way, you will be less "rebellious" and more active. Mom told her father, who was busy all day, and Dad looked at Mom in amazement and said, "Wow, it's quite philosophical!"In fact, my mother doesn't know any philosophy, but education is a mutual influence between people, that is, "people-oriented", which reflects our outlook on life, life, society, etc. A good education must conform to people, that is, to nature. If there is any philosophical meaning here, it is here.
Mom is a person of action, and she made some specific commitments for Dad and Xiaoyan to supervise, such as: pay attention to the tactfulness of the tone when speaking;Don't use radical words;Speak in an advisory tone;When you hear or see something, don't judge it subjectively and don't comment right away. Yes, if you want to ask: what exactly does a child need?What exactly should parents bring to their children?Perhaps the Lebanese poet Gibran is a good illustration: your children are not your children, they are the children of life that longs for themselves, they come through you but not for you, although they are with you but do not belong to you, the love given to you is not your thoughts, because they have their own minds.
Dad once jokingly said to Xiaoyan: "You worked against your mother, but you trained her to be a person who is willing to think." Mom agreed. Children are also teachers to their parents. Pedagogue Sukhomlinsky said: "In every moment, when you see a child, you see yourself;You educate your children, that is, educate yourself and examine your own personality. "Children are a mirror of the family, and if you want to change your children, parents have to change themselves.
Family education is actually a process in which parents and children learn and grow together. When parents face their children as a mirror, they have the opportunity to change and improve themselves. At the same time, the change of parents also makes the children change, and education has an effect invisibly.
Spencer gives an example in his book, Spencer's Education of Joy.
A woman named Tess talks to Spencer about her young daughter. The little girl is already in elementary school, and she is a well-known smart child in the town, and she is very cute. But lately, she noticed that her daughter was being mean when she was socializing with her classmatesObvious contempt for classmates with poor grades;If other children do better than her in some way and are complimented by adults, she will be angry and deny this. Tess was very upset by her daughter's behavior.
Spencer told Tess the metaphor that children are mirrors, and Tess woke up to herself, starting with changing herself, changing her own caustic and loving to teach others, and as a result, her little daughter also changed a lot.
Spencer also gave an example of what happened to his neighbor.
"One day," she said, "my neighbor Adeno came to visit me and said that he was very worried about his child, who was always talking listlessly, as if he was tired of everything.
Spencer replied: To know why your children are like this, think about your usual words and actions, whether your listless voice reflects your disappointment and boredom with life, and whether your wife's hoarse voice is causing tension in the family.
Adeno suddenly realized.
Some people say that the more essential thing of family education is that parents educate themselves. For parents, a child is also a school. If you observe and listen carefully, you will find that in this fate of parents and children, children teach us no less than we teach them. Or, every child is a natural philosopher, when the hearts of adults are dusted by reality and cannot see the truth of the matter, the child can see the light of day with a casual word. The truth they say is simple and straightforward, without pretension, but it points to the essence of life.
Children are also teachers of parents, their eyes are so clear, their hearts are so pure, let us see our own defects and deficiencies from them at any time, they are educating us with their words and deeds, children's words and deeds, let us continue to improve ourselves. Education is a tree shaking a tree, a cloud pushing another cloud, a soul awakening another.
A significant portion of a parent's parenting style is determined by their children. Research shows that nearly a quarter of the differences in parenting styles are influenced by their children. Because the child's words and deeds will in turn shape the parenting style in life, and as the child grows older, the counter-effect of the child's words and deeds is also increasing year by year. Specifically, the child's behavior reflects the shadow of the parent, from which the parent recognizes himself, so that he or she can continuously improve and influence the child.
Parents are often confused: I also know a lot of education principles and methods, but why don't children listen to me?As the saying goes, teaching by example is more important than teaching, and when we see children disobedient, we should generally pay attention to these situations. The first is whether the parents' words are right, the second is how the parents speak, the third is whether the parents' words are too much, and the fourth is whether the parents themselves speak well and do not do well.
For example, parents let their children study well, but parents themselves do not;Don't let your child play games, and parents themselves indulge in games;Let children love to work, and parents themselves are not industrious enough. Blindly let the child be obedient, and parents rarely communicate with the child, let alone listen to the child's words.
In some moments, parents are just large children, and tasks that they did not complete in their formative years, in the process of getting along with their children, will resurface. Therefore, by taking advantage of the opportunity to interact with children, parents can be urged to make up for the lessons they have neglected in the past, and constantly improve themselves. Yes, the child is here to "repay the favor".
If parents can't handle their relationship with themselves and with others, how can they handle their relationship with their children?If parents are no longer curious about the world, how can they retain their children's curiosity?If parents resist growing up, they will unconsciously transfer the task of growing up to their children;If parents are not accepting of themselves and are not satisfied with themselves, they need a satisfactory child;If parents can't handle the parent-child relationship well, they will have an image of an "ideal child" in their hearts, and hope that the child will take the initiative to meet the expectations of their parents. So, I want to be bound to my children, and such families will lose each other's sense of boundaries, and all kinds of problems will come.
Many educators believe that family education is far more important than school education, and parents are the best starting line for children.
Li Zhenxi, an educator, said: No matter how important school education is, it is only an important supplement to family education.
Some people also say that the characteristic of family education is "teaching without teaching, and learning without learning". For example, if a parent takes a child to the street and collides with a passerby, whether the parents argue with others or are humble with others, although the parents are not "teaching" their children how to behave in the world, they are already "teaching" but "teaching". The child seems to be absent-minded on the side, but he has already "learned" and "learned". In the future, when children encounter similar things, they will follow the attitudes and methods adopted by their parents. When we think that the child is not paying attention, he has actually been observing and noting that education has been quietly happening.
Rather, the essence of family education is to change the parents themselves, and the key to this change is to consciously and voluntarily grow up with the child. Such a growth process is not only the need for parents' own development, but also the need for competent family education. When parents pursue "perfection" too much and criticize themselves for not doing something well, they are easy to fall into a state of anxiety, entanglement, and gain and loss, which will weaken the motivation for self-change and self-growth and progress. And such an unstable and anxious state will be transmitted to the child, causing a negative impact on the child's growth.
The British psychoanalyst Winnicott once put forward the concept of a "60-point mother", which can be understood as that parents strive to raise their children with scientific methods within their ability, but even if they do not do so well in some things, they should not be too harsh, because people are not omnipotent. In fact, the "imperfection" of parents will exercise children's adaptability and self-regulation ability. As the educator Montessori once said: "Children have their own spiritual embryos, when we have small flaws in our performance, children are not as fragile as we think, on the contrary, a certain degree of setbacks is a life subject that children must face, which is an exercise for him, and also a rehearsal and preparation for entering society in the future." On the other hand, when parents can accept their "imperfections", they will be able to let go of their obsession with "perfect" children, and will not control their children too much and will not give their children too high expectations, but will pay attention to the child in front of them and teach them according to their aptitude. This kind of relaxed attitude can promote children's learning and progress more.
We are pleased to see that the Family Education Promotion Law has come into force on 1 January 2022. From now on, family affairs are no longer a trivial matter of the family, but a major matter of the country, which is related to the development and future of the country. What should be done in each family?In addition to parents taking the initiative to learn the theories and methods of family education, they should also have a normal heart. Chinese have a large population and a shortage of resources, so competition is naturally fierce, but we can still create a more relaxed and harmonious environment from the perspective of policy guidance. This requires the joint efforts of the whole society.
One day, my father joked to my mother: "I see that you are making rapid progress, but the child still talks back to you!."Mom raised her eyebrows and said, "Don't worry!."”
Yes, parents should give their children time, give themselves time, be more with the flow, and less pursue "perfection". Think about it: What is perfect in the world?Perhaps it is because of our "imperfection" that the world is rich and colorful, and every child and every parent is lovely.
Every flower needs to be bathed in the sun, and every sunshine also needs the praise of the flowers. Flowers make the sun more worthwhile, and the sun also makes the flowers more beautiful. Everything complements each other, and if you make a child, you will also achieve yourself.