Introduction: When I got married, my subject said to me: "We both study Buddhism, we can get married and practice together, but we can't live a married life", so I entered a sexless marriage for nearly 10 years. I blamed myself, hit the wall, and became depressed because of my mother's death, and went to the monastery to recite sutras. I had severe low self-esteem and did not smile or look in the mirror for many years.
I came into contact with the free Bigu in the eighth month of the lunar calendar in 2019, and my sister and I spent money to learn a Bigu before. My sister was 163 meters and 120 pounds, she wants **. I spent more than 900 yuan for the first time and learned the culture Xi of filial piety, including filial piety to my parents, grandparents, and ancestors. On the fifth day of Bigu, most of the people were lying on the ground to listen to the lecture because they had been hungry for five days. But after 7 days of valley, I feel very comfortable in my body, my mind is very clear, and the whole person is relatively relaxed. I will call ** again, I want to open it for a while longer, and people tell me that it will only be opened once a month. I wanted to volunteer, but people didn't agree. I searched on the Internet and saw a free Bigu.
I was in Beijing, but I didn't have a job because I was in a bad state. I participated in the Bigu camp of more than 200 people opened by Shu Li, and I opened it for another 7 days, and I felt that it was good not to eat.
At that time, I was in a state of depression, and my thinking was not clear, but I understood it in my heart. My mind is constantly spinning in circles, and when others say something, I keep going around in circles and can't get out, and I keep torturing myself.
At that time, it was the second anniversary of my mother's death, and I blamed myself severely. My mom was sick for 3 years, I waited for 3 years, and I couldn't do anything about watching my mom go, and I blamed myself very much. I remembered all the mistakes I made in the process of taking care of my mother, and felt that I didn't take good care of her, so I blamed myself for hitting the wall, kowtowing, and simply living in the monastery to recite the scriptures.
In those years, I lived as no one, no ghost, and was in a state of chaos and unclarity.
After clearing the valley, my thoughts were no longer like a mess, and gradually smoothed out and became clearer.
After the first time I finished the valley, I walked Tianxingjian, and the effect was particularly good.
In the health culture that my family was exposed to before, I couldn't eat cold and cold things. For example, white radish is cool, all fruits are cool, sweet is cool, not to mention popsicles and watermelon, which are cold things. During that time, I was not in good health, and I looked at my yellow face and thin muscles. I haven't eaten fruits, popsicles, watermelon for three years.
After clearing the valley, I went to eat violently, and I ate desperately, and I stopped eating, and I ate tomatoes when I touched them, and I ate peaches when I touched peaches, and I ate watermelons when I met watermelons, and I ate any fruit. For about a month or two, I didn't eat a bite of fruit or pasta, and I just ate a few dishes.
Then I also eat popsicles, several popsicles a day. Before, I didn't dare to blow the air conditioner and eat popsicles.
This is the revolt of the body after repression. I was depressed for a long time, I couldn't laugh for many years, but I laugh now.
I didn't look in the mirror before, and I felt like I was black and ugly. The clothes are also black and gray, and there is no style, just like the ones worn by aunts in their fifties and sixties. I don't know why, I couldn't buy good-looking styles at that time, I didn't have that vision, that mood, and I didn't live a good life.
After a year Xi of studying, at the encouragement of Shuli, I put on a pink sweater she gave me, which was the first time I wore pink in years, and later I bought a sky blue down jacket. When the valley camp was opened for the Chinese New Year that year, they painted my eyebrows and eyes, and brought me earrings. I really didn't dare before, I didn't think I was worthy of a beautiful dress, and I felt that I was not as good as that dress.
I used to see people with higher ranks, and I wished that I could escape like Tuxingsun. I was hiding, pretending not to see, not being able to look at them, face to face.
I have Xi been studying here for more than 3 years, and I am fatter than before, and I was 1 when I first cameA little more than 6 meters and more than 80 pounds, Gu You said that I was scared when I looked at me, and I couldn't help but feel weak. And the inferiority complex is low to the dust, it is really indescribable, and it feels very unbearable. Until now, I don't want to look at the previous **, I deleted all the previous **, I don't want to see my previous appearance.
At that time, I was just going around in circles in that little space, and I couldn't get out. After learning Bigu, my mind slowly opened up a little, and my mood became calmer and more open.
I had a sexless marriage for almost 10 years, and when I first got married, my partner said, "We both study Buddhism, we can get married and practice together, but we can't, we can't live together as husband and wife." ”
Because I had gone astray, and I thought that the only way to relieve pain and troubles was to practice, to recite the Buddha well, to recite the sutras and do my homework, so I didn't think about living a good life, so I agreed.
The mode of getting along with the two of us is that there is a big double bed, he is at this end, I am at this end, he recites Amitabha, and I recite Guanyin Bodhisattva. Usually he listens to the scriptures and hears the Dharma, and I read the Buddhist scriptures, and that's it.
At first it was nothing, but then I didn't know what was going on, I became irritable, irritable, and then depressed.
After my mother left, I wanted a hug and comfort, but I couldn't get it. At that time, I felt that the only person in the world who loved me was my mother, because since I was a child, my father often beat and scolded me, I didn't feel warm, I felt that only my mother loved me the most.
I didn't even hold hands with my partner for a long time, let alone let him give me a hug and let me lean into. So my depression was even worse, and with the fact that I went to the monastery every day to recite sutras and exceed, I lived in another world. Those days were really unbearable, it was too difficult.
The two of us got along like this, and my depression got worse and worse. Years later, I also had problems with my body, either this or there. When I feel uncomfortable, I recite the scriptures, and I feel that I have not cultivated enough, and I have broken the precepts and dogma again, and I always look for my own reasons.
I asked the village chief several times when I learned Xi Bigu, and the village chief kept saying that there was a problem with the relationship between husband and wife.
But I just can't figure out why there is a problem in the relationship between husband and wifeThe two of us respect each other like guests and never quarrel. He was very good to me, and he supported me in everything I learned. When I went out, he got my suitcase, folded my clothes, prepared my toiletries, and even washed my underwear, bed sheets, and quilt covers, and he wouldn't let me go to work. He was so kind to me, and I always felt very indebted to him, and I was very grateful to him. How could I have a bad relationship as a couple?
Until one day there was a class, and the village chief said that appetite and sexual desire are the manifestations of a person's vitality. I was blindfolded, I didn't listen, I don't know why I didn't want to say this anymore in my heart, I think maybe that's it.
Just as I was going home, a couple dropped me off at the subway entrance. On the way, the eldest sister said, "You know what?Linglong, I tie your tongue with your brother-in-law for ten minutes every day. ”
I was so embarrassed that I thought how could I say such a thing?I used to be very embarrassed to learn about traditional culture.
Then she said, "We hug for 15 minutes every day. She also said, "Do you have it, you young people should be more like that, right?"”
I'm too embarrassed to answer.
She told me another story, and she said, "You know what?The neighbor upstairs of ours fought every day, and the man beat the woman, and when I asked later, I found out that they didn't have sex as a couple, and they were beaten because of this incident. ”
It was only from that day that I realized why I was grumpy, depressed, and had all kinds of problems. I think he's nice to me, but when I'm with him, I often feel out of breath, and my breasts will be swollen and painful, and my breasts hurt when I touch them.
I recite the Buddha and chant the sutras every day, and I don't dare to think about it, because thinking about it is a sin and a sin. People say that "all good and filial piety come first, and all evil and fornication come first", and my partner used to always tell me this, and let me read those books on abstaining from evil and fornication.
If I deviate from learning, I know to recite, worship, and pray, and ask for Buddhas and Bodhisattvas every day, and give everything to others. I have never been myself, worked and lived well, I have always been aggrieved by myself, I dare not have emotions, I dare not lose my temper. At that time, there were a lot of rules and regulations, a lot of rope to bind me.
In the past, as long as someone said something about me, or something happened, I didn't dare to go out, and I cried at home, and I kept torturing myself in my heart. Due to depression and low self-esteem, when others say about me, I never dare to refute or express my opinions.
Now I dare to scare people, whoever tells me that I am in a hurry, I will scold him back. Sometimes if anyone wants to scold me, I will scold back, and I think it's very cool. I am now able to express my thoughts, talk about my true feelings, and live my true self.