Robert, a senior psychological counselor in the UK. Dybebold wrote a book in the form of a fairy tale called "Mr. ** Goes to the Psychiatrist".
The main character in the book, Mr. **, used to dress fashionably, occasionally exaggeratedly, and looked vibrant, energetic and interesting.
I don't know what blows I've endured now, I don't take a bath, I don't groom, I'm sloppy, and I'm not interested in anything.
At the insistence of his friend, he came to see the psychiatrist Heron, and the whole consultation process was gradual and fascinating, and at the same time, it also allowed the reader to experience a baptism of the soul!
Many of the truths in the book are deeply inspiring, especially the following three sentences.
1 No critique is stronger than self-criticism, and no judge is harsher than ourselves.
Heron tells ** that everyone has a 'parental ego state', the most common being the 'fussy parenting state'. At this time, we behave like our parents.
In childhood, if our parents are strict, often criticize and reprimand us, then when we grow up, in similar situations, we will present a 'parental self-state', but the object of criticism, punishment and torture is ourselves.
In my childhood memories, my mother was very strict, and she was born in the military, and she hated children's coquettishness, beauty and other behaviors.
In the past, everyone was relatively poor and rarely wore new clothes, but during the New Year, they would make a new dress, and they would dress beautifully on the first day of the New Year to come out to greet the New Year.
Our family is a cadre, and the conditions are very good, but since I was a child, my mother has never made me new clothes once.
He always made me wear the old clothes that my brothers had leftovers, and I was always very ashamed of wearing boys' clothes.
As an adult, I don't be spoiled like the average girl, I'm not used to wearing beautiful clothes, I can't dress up, and I never even wore a skirt when I was younger.
When it comes to dressing up, I can't help but be influenced by my mother, and I feel that I shouldn't and is not suitable to dress up beautifully.
This kind of inferiority complex caused by the lack of confidence in dressing made me form a people-pleasing personality.
Always wanting to please others, especially in the family, becoming the one who works hard and gives wholeheartedly, is used to ignoring his own needs.
There are many women around me, perhaps also because of the influence of their original families, who will make their lives more difficult and always satisfy the ideas of others first.
Habitual asking: What do you want to eat at night? Rather than what I want to eat; It is customary to ask: where do you want to travel, not where do you want to travel?
I envy women who live a chic and wanton life, but the habitual thinking pattern makes it difficult for us to get out, how can we get out of the trap of self-criticism?
Heron said, "The person who can help you is yourself, and you are the only one." There are many questions that you need to ask yourself. For example, can you be nicer to yourself? Perhaps the most important question is, can you begin to love yourself? ”
Yes, from today onwards, we can be kind to ourselves and ask ourselves more about what we want instead of asking others what they want.
2》How long do you have to blame others for your unhappiness?
Heron asked**: Who should you blame for your unhappiness during this time? Who makes you feel so bad? ”
* replied excitedly: "The first thing to blame is the old badger." And then there are the river rats. Moles, more or less to blame.
And then you showed me that when I was growing up, it was the way my parents treated me that made me who I am. I know they didn't mean it, but I still have to blame them. What a terrible life I've lived. ”
A friend of mine, when her daughter was in kindergarten, she divorced because her husband cheated on her, and after the divorce, she had a very difficult life with her children alone.
Because of resentment, he insisted on not paying a penny of child support, and he didn't let his ex-husband see his daughter, and he kept instilling dissatisfaction and resentment towards his ex-husband in front of his daughter, and even his ex-husband was not allowed to participate in his daughter's marriage.
For this, the daughter loses the joy of childhood, she herself suffers from resentment, and her life loses all its brilliance.
Even today, her daughter has a successful career, a happy family, and gave birth to a pair of lovely children, which is very good to her, and bought her a house in her own community to take care of, and take her with her when she travels or something.
But how come she has never stopped resenting her ex-husband for many years, and this negative emotion has made her depressed and unhappy, and she can't feel happiness for the rest of her life.
Our unhappiness often comes from the people around us, from the attitude of family, friends, colleagues, and leaders towards us.
Between husband and wife, we will get angry because we can't get used to each other, we will be sullen because of a colleague's words, and we can always find people and things that make us unhappy!
The heron said to **: "How long are you going to blame others for your unhappiness?" No one can make us feel anything unless they coerce you with brute force. At the end of the day, it's we who 'choose' our feelings. We chose anger, we chose sadness. ”
Many times people's pain and suffering are self-inflicted, as Heron said: "How can a person get into your head and force you to have any emotions?" Others may influence or convince you, but in the end, it is you who decide what kind of feelings you choose."
If we want to live a full and happy life, we must first understand that it is not the thing itself that makes us unhappy, but our perception of it.
We have the right to choose "happiness" between happiness and sadness, life is short, happiness is a day, and unhappiness is also a day, so why not be happy and happy!
3 Everyone lives in their own script.
If you compare life to a stage, ** feels that he plays the object of ridicule by everyone, and no matter how he tries, he can't rewrite the script.
Confused, he asked Heron: "Is there a way for me to understand how the script of my life is written?" Because I don't really like my character in the script, if I knew how the script came about, maybe I could rewrite it. ”
Do you feel the same way? I have a lot of dissatisfaction with my life script, and I wonder how I got to this point, who caused it? How can I live the way I want to be?
How did the heron answer? Heron says: Once we decide which attitudes and perspectives to use in childhood, we will stick to our choices for the rest of our lives.
Since then, we have built a world that continually affirms and supports these beliefs and expectations. In other words, we have turned our lives into a 'self-fulfilling prophecy.' ”
We control events to ensure that prophecies come true.
If you grow up with harsh criticism and reprimands from your parents, you tend to have low self-esteem and feel that you don't deserve all the good.
If it is a woman, when choosing a marriage partner, she may choose a scumbag, either domestic violence or cheating, so as to match her self-perceived state of life.
People with low self-esteem often see themselves as victims of life, so they play games that turn them into hurters, such as "I'm so unlucky."
These people will do their best to choose to remember the sad and unhappy things and forget or ignore the good times!
Everyone has their own life script, and the storyline in the script has long been familiar with it, even if you don't like your role very much, at least you don't have to think, you don't have to make decisions for yourself, how many people spend their lives in a mess.
Only by sincerely responding to one's current needs, breaking the cycle of cause and effect that continues from childhood, and freeing one's true self from the shackles of past experiences.
Only by becoming our true selves in freedom can we change the script of our lives, redefine our lives, and achieve a more authentic and beautiful self!