There is a sentence in "The Reconstruction of the Self":
Man is broken and lives by repairing.
Everyone has experienced some trauma at some point or another, and no one can avoid it.
However, whether you are 30, 50, or 70, there are ways to "tinker" with it.
If you can't help but lose control of your emotions and have an argument with your lover; You always subconsciously please others and wronged yourself; You are always afraid of being separated from someone, even if you don't like that person. You always feel that others don't respect you enough, or that someone will violate your boundaries ...... at willThese signs, these emotional pains that you often feel, are all reminders of your subconscious
My dear, you haven't "tinkered" with yourself for too long.
Behind the outbreak of small things, there is a broken self
"I'm annoyed, I want to get a divorce because of a trivial matter. ”
Xiaoxiao, who just moved into a new house with her husband and children a few days ago, came up with such a sentence.
And yesterday she also happily said that she would invite everyone to the new house to warm the house and eat.
It was originally a family of three that had just begun a good life, why did they suddenly want to divorce?
I'm not joking, I've been feeling the urge to divorce every day lately, and I've worked hard every day to clean up the house, inside and out, and they don't help, don't maintain it, and they always do sabotage. ”
It turned out that after moving into the new home, Xiaoxiao asked her husband and children to change their shoes separately and keep them clean when they entered the kitchen, toilet, and balcony, and everyone's clothes and toys should be placed neatly, otherwise the home would always look dirty and messy.
But no one but herself could do it, and everyone else felt that it was "unnecessary".
Xiaoxiao is famous for her love of cleanliness, the old house used to be small, and she didn't have so much effort to clean it, but the new house was a little dirty and saw it, so she cleaned it all the time, which made her very crazy and felt that her husband and children didn't love cleanliness too much.
Because of this incident, we quarreled several times, the child became more and more impatient with me, and my husband asked me if I had reached menopause. ”
For this family, I have paid so much, but I can't get half of it;
In order to give birth to my daughter, I almost gave up half my life to ask them to change their shoes, and they ...... me like this”
The more Xiaoxiao talked, the more aggrieved she became, she felt that the conditions at home were better, but her husband and children were disrespecting her more and more.
When everyone asked her why the requirements for hygiene were so high, she was puzzled: "Isn't it the right to love cleanliness?" When I was a child, my mother would beat me up when I put my clothes indiscriminately.
And you're about to come home for dinner, so you're going to have to clean up anyway. ”
It is not difficult to see that Xiaoxiao's reply not only has nothing to do with her inner feelings and needs, but also internalizes the requirements and standards of others.
"Love clean, as it should be. ”If it's not clean, it means I have a problem
"When guests come to the house, they must be cleaned up in advance. ”If a guest finds that it's not clean, it means I have a problem
In order to meet these two standards, she worked hard and hurriedly, and even did not hesitate to ask her husband and children to meet this correct standard in the form of quarrels and conflicts.
When she found that her husband and children were difficult to change, she was crazy in her heart, and even wanted to "solve" the source of the unattainable standard:Husband and children. Thus choosing divorce.
When things are sorted out like this, many people will feel strange:
Why does Xiaoxiao have such requirements and standards for herself?
Why is it so important for Xiaoxiao to complete this standard?
In fact, everything has traces to follow, which all come from Xiaoxiao's parenting standards.
Parents' education of Xiaoxiao is highly demanding and high-standard, which can be summed up in one sentence:
- Xiaoxiao does anything, if she can't do it well, she can't do it; Well done, it should; To do better, is not to work hard before.
Although Xiaoxiao felt that her parents' requests made her uncomfortable and aggrieved, when she grew up, she unconsciously internalized her parents' high requirements, and even often asked others to do so.
Because when children are young, they can only live better if they are "loyal" to their parents.
In order to convince themselves that it is the love of their parents, many people also inherit the parenting style of their parents with their eyes closed.
This is also a state that psychology often mentions:
When we are not yet sufficiently self-aware, the way we treat ourselves is the way our parents raised us, because this is what we subconsciously learned.
This kind of parenting style that makes us feel "safe" and familiar is also a kind of intergenerational transmission.
That's why there is that widely circulated saying:When I grew up, why did I gradually live like my parents?
Just like Xiaoxiao, when she moved into a new home, due to the stimulation of "new home and new state", Xiaoxiao further stimulated and raised this "high demand" for herself and her family, and once she couldn't do it, she also wanted to "beat" her husband and children.
This also led to the pressure and confrontation accumulated by the husband and children under Xiaoxiao's "high requirements" in the past, and they broke out at this moment
Can we end this intergenerational inheritance? Absolutely, awareness is the first step.
Teacher Defen once wrote in "Meet the Unknown Self":
Parents are also human beings, and they have their own limitations. ”
But you have to believe that in every moment of the past, your parents have played their part to the best of their ability.
They may not be the best parents, but they have limited knowledge and resources.
With all the constraints, what you get is already the result of their best efforts."
This sight will let us know: Parents are not necessarily right, they have their own limitations. This will allow you to re-examine every event in your life and set your own standards.
Although we are relieved and understand our parents, we will feel a kind of sadness of "powerlessness".
But please allow and accept this flow of sorrow.
Only by accepting this grief can true love, understanding, and compassion be nurtured, both for your parents and for your once hurt self.
This kind of seeing and understanding based on "self-compassion" can give us the strength to be loved and supported
In order to give us the strength to do the second step after seeing - "repair".
Through learning, you will continue to improve your self-awareness and nurture yourself all over again.
In the second half of life, re-nurture yourself
In fact, in recent years, topics similar to "re-raising yourself" have exploded on the Internet.
Many people are constantly making up for themselves when they were children:
Buy toys and comics that you wanted when you were a child, but your parents didn't allow you to buy them;
Learn your own hobbies that you wanted to learn when you were a child, but your parents felt that they were wasting time;
Playing all kinds of childhood games that you wanted to play when you were a child, but your parents tried to prevent them;
There are also many people who are driven by the mentality of "love yourself" and "be kind to yourself" and spend a lot of money on all kinds of luxury items.
But many people fall into a new emptiness and entanglement at the moment of self-satisfaction:
Doesn't seem like that? Is that really right? ”
I signed up for ** piano lessons, and I didn't want to go after a few days of studying, so capricious. ”
Spending so much money to buy a bag that can't be used a few times feels a bit wasteful, and I can't bear it...”
Because truly re-nurturing oneself is not the same as spending a lot of money and stuffing all the "good things" into oneself, but repairing and changing the relationship between the "inner parents" and us.
With a warmer, more supportive attitude, to care for yourself.
So how exactly should it be done?
Share a story about her that Ms. Defen has told.
At that time, she was in Taipei, living upstairs from her parents, and often went to their house for dinner.
Sometimes when she comes back late at night, she won't go, and she will call her parents in advance, saying that she won't come back for dinner today, and let them rest after eating.
But every time at this time, Mr. Defen's father would say:
Then you can go home and sit down after eating. ”
If you don't come back to sit, you must call me when you get home, and I won't be able to sleep until you come back. ”
This statement made Teacher Defen very resistant, because she felt the hidden control and requirements behind it:
It's your business to sleep, why do you have to wait until I come home and call you, so you don't sleep?
If I'm going to be late today, at eleven or twelve o'clock, are you going to come and restrict my movements?
In this mood, Mr. Defen will even trigger the memories of some traumatic experiences in childhood.
For example, when she was growing up, although she was provided with a superior material environment, her parents' belief in the concept of "filial piety under the stick", strict discipline and high expectations brought her great pressure. Once, in order to punish her for disobedience, her father left Teacher Defen, who was still young at the time, in the corridor and said to her, "I don't want you anymore." All of these brought great fear to Teacher Defen, and when she grew up, every time she looked back on this incident, she was also full of grievances in her heart.
If it was before, Mr. Defen might have started to quarrel with his father under the influence of these emotions, or talked to his father in a very impatient tone, or avoided or did not answer his father's **.
But after embarking on the road of psychological growth and starting to raise himself again, when Mr. Defen faced this "request" from his father, he could calmly say, "I won't call you, you can sleep first, don't wait for me." ”
This is a typical manifestation of a person returning to self-centeredness after re-nurturing themselves
- Do not fluctuate your emotions and disturb your behavior because of the other person's request.
This is also the sobriety and self-love that needs to be broken, repaired, broken again, and repaired countless times before it can be lived.
It is precisely because she has experienced so much and experienced so much that Ms. Defen can truly understand everyone and understand that it is difficult for everyone to "re-nurture themselves", and it is easier to go astray to achieve the opposite effect.
This year, Mr. Defen is 62 years old.
Every year, she is more grateful for the luck and gain in this life than the previous year, and she wants to pass on this love more and more, share it with more people, and help everyone who will not love herself live a happier life.
"All the adults were children, but only a few remember".