Why are today's children vulnerable to punishment and vulnerability? We experienced a lot of corporal punishment and verbal abuse as children, but why didn't we have any major problems? Today's children are spoiled, and over-pampering causes them to be prone to psychological distress.
At first, this seems to be the right idea.
We were strong when we were children, and it was not a big deal even if we were beaten and scolded, but today's children are extremely fragile and can't stand a single scolding?
However, a closer look reveals that applying what our generation thinks to the next generation no longer works.
Because they grew up in a completely different environment than we did.
The room for growth is compressed
When we were young, many families had children who started with two, three and too many, and four from time to time.
At that time, parents paid the most attention to how to raise their children, how to ensure that their children had enough food and clothing, and as for other trivial matters, they did not care too much.
It's normal for children to fight with each other, right? Solve it yourself, if you can't beat it, ask your brothers and sisters to help.
Lost track of your child's play? I don't have time to care, as long as they come back on time for dinner.
What are your child's grades? If he had talent, I would send him to college. If not, it doesn't matter if your grades are not good, you can make ends meet by learning a skill.
At that time, parents were very peaceful, calm, and more accepting and tolerant of their children's personalities. In addition, there are many children in the family, and they really don't have so much time and energy, so they care about the eldest for a while, and pay attention to what the second child is doing.
The "free cultivation" method of parents provides children with a broader space for personality development. They are like trees that grow in nature, protected by their parents, while being free to thrive.
In today's highly competitive society, we focus on our children's future development, not just the present. A family with a child will be loved by the individual, and at the same time, it will bear their expectations, attention, and intervention.
When a child wants to play in the water, grandma will worry about getting the clothes wet; When you want to play, your mother may mention that she doesn't have time to sign up for interest classes; When interested in dirt, grandpa may find it troublesome to get his hands dirty; When he made a mistake in his homework, his father might say that he couldn't do such a simple question, so what would he do in the future?
Children receive love from many sources, but at the same time, they also grow up with different expectations. When many caregivers set their eyes on the child, he is like being in the spotlight, all mannerisms and traits are magnified, and the space for his personality to be displayed is compressed.
This restrictive environment can make children feel uneasy, afraid of not behaving well, not doing well, and not meeting the expectations of adults. This tension can easily make children become stubborn and even produce severe frustration and self-doubt.
Emotional release lacks an outlet
The Power of Play mentions that games have an important meaning of helping people recover from emotional trauma.
In our childhood, electronics were not widely available, there were fewer vehicles, and there were many places where people could run freely.
Even if we are reprimanded or reprimanded by our parents, we can go out and run, feel the wind blowing, and shout loudly on the other side of the mountain. Or, while playing games with a partner, release your emotions, cry or lose your temper.
After releasing his emotions, he returned home and was all right, and he was the carefree child again.
Because of the play and free-running childhood, we can have an outlet for our emotions. When emotions flow, our brains are not immersed in negative emotions.
However, children nowadays rarely have the opportunity to run around the outdoors as recklessly as we do. They spend most of their time in small spaces, with only electronics as their company.
It's like my kid downstairs who watches TV every morning and when I bring the kids home in the afternoon, he's still watching TV. Even the dog at his door became lazy and listless to see us.
The monotony of life, the pressure of learning, social frustration, and parents' accusations will all cause children to have negative emotions.
But when these emotions cannot be released and cathartic, even a small amount of pressure can be unbearable in the eyes of the child.
Because his world is too small, any small thing can be infinitely exaggerated and eventually knock him down.
Intergenerational transmission
Finally, let me talk about why children in the past were often beaten but were not prone to psychological problems.
After researching some information about attachment, it was found that the former children were not completely free of psychological problems, but some of the problems were released in childhood, and the rest of the problems were hidden in the personality.
These problems are passed on to future generations in the personality, which is what is called intergenerational transmission in psychology.
For example, parents may have an apathetic personality and have less intimate contact with their children, provide less physical contact, and do not allow their children to come close.
These neglected needs can be a source of pain for your children. When they grow up, they may also reject their children's intimate contact. Because it evokes feelings of "neglect, abandonment" in the heart.
A lot of people say that I would never treat my children like a parent. However, once we enter into marriage and raise children, we find that our parenting style gradually bears the shadow of our parents.
This is intergenerational transmission.
In the past, children had playmates, siblings, and many people who could help them with their emotions, so this type of education may not have done much psychological damage to them.
However, when we pass this on to our children again, they may no longer have the upbringing environment that we once had, and with the focused attention from multiple adults, it will be difficult to withstand and release these pressures.
As a result, children can easily become fragile and sensitive, which can lead to psychological problems.
Therefore, times are changing, and as parents, we also need to adjust in time.
Let the child be himself
I'm sure the vast majority of parents today have heard a lot of advice: this way, not that, do this, don't do that.
Listening too much, we are all confused, what exactly should be done to do the right thing?
In fact, no matter how much advice we listen to, we only need to remember one thing – let the child be himself!
Children are children because they are curious, bold, passionate, adventurous, they are free and free, and they are not bound by the rules of the world.
When a child is playful, exploratory, and adventurous, he can grow up like a real child, rather than carrying an unbearable burden prematurely.
Therefore, even if the environment is different from the past, we can still let children fall, climb, run and play in the grass.
It is only through a fun-filled childhood that a child can truly grow up like a child.