In a variety interview that is deeply rooted in the hearts of the people, the host is full of curiosity to explore the secret of their deep friendship from a pair of old sisters who have walked hand in hand for 30 years.
One of the wise aunts replied calmly with a warm smile on her face
The key is to restrain words and deeds, keep your heart steady, and not interfere with things that do not belong to your jurisdiction, and do not ask about those privacy that should not be inquired about. ”
This seemingly concise answer contains a profound philosophy of life:
Behind a long and harmonious relationship, it is often inseparable from the respect and grasp of each other's space and boundaries.
In real life, we often meet people who lack a sense of boundaries in words:
They may often interfere and point fingers at the trivial aspects of other people's lives under the guise of concern.
Or maybe you pour out your negative emotions on others at any time, putting them in an embarrassing situation or feeling depressed.
As our relationships continue to broaden, we become more aware of:
Among the most offensive ways of talking in the adult world, "habitual transgression" is undoubtedly the most unbearable, and it tops the list and is indisputable.
The most toxic way to chat is to habitually cross the line
There always seems to be a group of people in our lives who see prying on the privacy of others as an act of concern, and understand crossing the boundaries of others as a sign of enthusiasm.
CCTV's "Night Reading" column has interviewed many netizens around the topic of "interpersonal boundaries and respect", and two of the stories are thought-provoking.
Since ** the author Huang will not complain and share her experience at the airport. She was concentrating on her manuscript when someone was glued to her screen. Despite her penmanship, the onlooker never looked away, even asking, "What are you writing?" Are you a writer? Writing income should be considerable, right? ”…
This series of questions hit her like a cannonball, which made her extremely embarrassed, and her train of thought was completely disrupted, and she finally had no choice but to put down her pen.
Another interviewee, Zihui, a girl who had just stepped out of college, told her story about her experience, which made people feel even more depressed.
When she returned to her hometown to attend a gathering of relatives last year, she casually sighed that "there is a lot of pressure to work and live in Beijing", but she was unexpectedly remembered by an elder who was not familiar with her, and immediately added her WeChat.
Since then, this elder has often admonished her with an almost obsessive attitude, "It's better to go back to her hometown to develop", and frequently ** all kinds of hometown recruitment information to her.
Not only that, but this elder often describes the conveniences of life in his hometown by himself, giving specific and detailed examples, such as so-and-so and successfully being admitted to a certain public institution, etc., in an attempt to persuade Zihui.
In her opinion, this elder seems to have developed a strong corrective "responsibility" for her lifestyle, and cannot bear the so-called "suffering" she endures outside, so he tries his best to guide her to what he thinks is the "right" track of life.
After a long period of time, Zihui gradually felt overwhelmed, so she decided to confess to her relatives: "I feel good about myself in my current life, please don't worry too much." ”
As a result, the initial warm care and concern of the relatives finally failed to get a good response, and helplessly evolved into displeasure and alienation in the hearts of both parties.
Russian literary giant Bondarev once profoundly pointed out: "The abyss of all human suffering essentially stems from the lack of recognition of personal boundaries. ”
On the broad stage of interpersonal interaction, once we lose the proper sense of boundaries, it is easy to trigger all kinds of "social conflicts" as if we have stepped into a minefield.
Imagine the "passer-by" who is keen to dig into the privacy of others, and the overzealous and overwhelming relatives who often intrude on the private sphere of others with impunity in their conversations, or habitually impose their will on others.
As everyone knows, this kind of intrusion that ignores boundaries is like an invisible shackle, adding a lot of trouble to others; And that kind of self-righteous overcare is actually as exhausting and boring as a mantra.
It is particularly noteworthy that this "habitual" transgression constitutes precisely the most "harmful" mode of communication in the delicate web of interpersonal relationships. It is like a chronic poison that quietly erodes the bonds between people that should live in harmony.
Chatting out of bounds is a disease that can be cured
After in-depth observation, it is not difficult to find that those individuals who are good at "cross-border conversation" often show four significant characteristics:
The first characteristic is a passion for privacy
"How much are you earning this year? You must have saved up a lot, right? ”
"My nephew's children are all going to buy soy sauce, why don't you think about falling in love? ”
They tend to dig into the details of other people's lives in an all-round way and without dead ends, so as to satisfy their innermost desire and curiosity to snoop.
The second manifestation is casual banter:
For example, imitating and having fun with a stutterer in front of a crowd;
Or when you meet someone with a darker complexion, you think you have a sense of humor and ask if they have just returned from Africa.
In addition, similar scenes are not uncommon in daily life:
When the gathering of friends was getting better, someone suddenly pointed at one of them and said loudly:
"You may not know that this kid was about to graduate from elementary school and wet the bed, and he was almost disgraced by his mother'......s lesson”
In the ensuing laughter, they completely ignored the fact that their friends who had been exposed to the scandal were already flushed with shame.
The third characteristic manifests itself as over-taking:
For example, relatives who teach Chinese are asked to help their children with essay tutoring by the way; I am looking forward to my brother, who is a lawyer, handling a lawsuit for himself.
They take these requests for granted, and when they are denied, they are indignant:
It's not interesting to refuse to help with this little favor! ”
The last type of interpersonal "enthusiastic" type of persona, who is keen to intervene and guide the life and career choices of friends and family in the name of "for your own good".
From choosing the right partner, to finding the right field of work, to planning a timeline for love, marriage, and even childbearing, everything is about it.
Looking at these four groups of people who tend to "talk beyond boundaries", one striking commonality emerges: they struggle to define the boundaries between themselves and others, and often ignore the sense of proportion in their words and what demands should be avoided.
Mr. Liu Run, the founder of the famous business school, once profoundly pointed out that the core essence of cultivating boundary awareness is first to identify what boundaries are; Second, it is necessary to act on the premise of understanding and respecting borders, that is, to act within one's own territory, and to cross borders, it is necessary to obtain the consent of the other party in advance.
Just as a newborn baby has not yet formed a clear sense of self-boundaries, it will see itself as one with its mother, and as it grows up, the individual's sense of boundaries is gradually established.
However, there are some people who are adults, but they are not able to distinguish between their own boundaries and the territories of others on a psychological level.
For example, those who are keen to listen to privacy do not realize that excessive questioning is an invasion of other people's private space;
And those who make large-scale jokes at will do not realize that a joke can only be called a joke if the other person is equally happy;
As for those who are accustomed to asking too much, they have not thought it through, and no matter what kind of help they ask for, it means consuming their time and energy.
In fact, there is no real "incidental" and "incidental" in life, and it is the friendship that others are willing to lend a hand, and it is the duty to refuse to help.
Observations show that the so-called "habitual transgression" essentially reveals a phenomenon of a "giant baby" mentality that focuses only on self-feelings, and it is a distorted way of thinking that is deeply rooted in self-centeredness.
This phenomenon is not an ordinary pattern of behavior, but a psychological condition that needs to be corrected urgently. Just like a sapling whose growth is off track, if it is not adjusted in time, it will not be able to stand up healthily. Therefore, for this kind of "habitual transgression" pathological psychology, we should actively face and seek effective adjustment and adjustment, in order to return to the normal and healthy social order and personality development track.
Knowing the "sense of proportion" can avoid 90% of interpersonal conflicts
Liang Shiqiu once profoundly elaborated: "The longer you associate with friends, the more you should be respectful, this so-called respect, that is, to keep a proper distance, friendship is like a bank deposit, not to be squandered, always need to reserve a few leeway." ”
In the subtle art of interpersonal communication, if you can always maintain a clear and appropriate sense of proportion, you will feel more comfortable with each other.
Chinese painting giant Huang Yongyu and literary master Qian Zhongshu once lived next to each other, and the physical distance between the two families was only 200 meters, but they understood the importance of respecting each other's independent space and never easily disturbed each other's rhythm of life.
When Qian Zhongshu immersed himself in the world of creation, Huang Yongyu knew that he cherished a peaceful environment, and even when the desire to talk was surging in his heart, he often restrained himself and rarely visited his home.
Only when relatives and friends in his hometown bring special products, Huang Yongyu will carefully select, inform in advance, and then gently place the gift in front of the Qian family and leave quietly, so as not to disturb his concentration.
When Qian Zhongshu wanted to visit Huang Yongyu's mansion, he would also ask the other party in advance if it was convenient to receive him, and then come at the appointed time. In this way, the whole post shows the elegant friendship of the gentleman's friendship as light as water.
Although the two have been in the same corner for decades and have few opportunities to meet face-to-face, this friendship, which is based on understanding and respect, is like an old wine, lasting for decades.
Writer Bi Shumin once profoundly elaborated:
Some emotions and things are not strong to show their true meaning, just the right amount of indifference, is where the most subtle charm lies.
For those deep heart words, we choose to speak softly and softly; In the face of the long journey of life, we are calm and move forward slowly.
The most comfortable relationship between people is nothing more than familiarity without rudeness, closeness and moderation, this sense of proportion, like a harmonious picture, neither too hot, not indifferent.
In the vast world of interpersonal communication, the more accurately you can grasp the emotional bond, the more you can withstand the tempering of the years and last for a long time; On the contrary, those relationships that are accustomed to crossing boundaries are often like towers built of sand, vulnerable to a single blow, and easy to disintegrate in an instant.
A wise quote from Sanmao is like a sober morning bell and dusk drum:
She took the initiative to avoid the overly enthusiastic friendship entanglements that were meaningless, thus unloading herself from unnecessary burdens and shackles of commitment;
She wisely chose not to say anything but to talk about trivial things, and thus gained a clear and peaceful heart; She loves others with her heart, but she knows how to exercise moderation so as not to flood her feelings.
What she pursues is not profound, but a simple and innocent philosophy of life.
A person's way of life and speech and behavior are like a mirror, clearly reflecting his inner level of cultivation and personality charm.
Those who are open-mouthed often lack the awareness of deep reflection and correction of their own words and deeds;
Those who speak harshly and have an arrogant attitude not only lack the ability to empathize, but also lack understanding and compassion for others in their hearts.
People who have no sense of boundaries are like a double-edged sword in interpersonal communication, and often the first contact may lead to disputes and friction.
However, when we can comprehend and practice the wisdom of "sense of proportion" in any relationship, then it is possible for us to avoid up to 90% of interpersonal conflicts and make the relationship more harmonious and beautiful.
Some people have brilliantly explained that the so-called sense of boundaries is actually a deep awareness of the scope of one's own behavior, and at the same time an understanding and respect for the areas of action that others should have. This kind of proper grasp of proportion, like a breath of fresh air, allows the emotional relationship to be kept fresh for a long time.
Whether it is family, friendship or love, whether it is close or distant, we should stick to the boundaries of our interactions with others as the basis for harmonious coexistence. And the best way to maintain a good sense of boundaries is to follow the "Four No's Principle":
1. Do not listen to privacy and fully respect the inner world of others;
Second, don't joke rashly, so as not to touch the emotional bottom line of others;
3. Do not be overzealous and avoid excessive involvement in the lives of others;
Fourth, not to be overly demanding, understand and accept that everyone has their own rhythm and choices in life.
Only in this way can we maintain a moderate distance in closeness and balance between advance and retreat, so as to shape a beautiful and long-lasting interpersonal relationship, making it picturesque and long-lasting.
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