In daily life, whether it is an ordinary interpersonal communication or an important business negotiation, we need to hear the truth from the other party, because this is the basis for making the right choice. If we hear false information and get false information, then we are likely to make the wrong judgment. Conversely, if what we hear is not true, we will be confused and even act contrary to the goal.
So, how can you hear what the other person really thinks? There is a sentence in "Guiguzi Strategy": "Whoever seeks the way must get its cause." This means that if we want our plans and actions to conform to objective laws and facts, so as to be effective, we must find the reason why things happen, start from the causes, and find solutions to solve problems.
First, we need to understand why people tell lies. There are usually three reasons why people are reluctant to tell the truth:
The first situation is that when a person tells the truth and the other person is unwilling to accept it, the person who speaks may face accusations and complaints. To avoid this, he may choose to tell a lie. For example, a child may lie to a parent that he has completed his homework, but in reality he may not have done it yet. This is because he knows that if he tells his parents the truth, their parents may blame him.
The second situation is that if telling the truth would harm one's own interests or those of others, then the person speaking may choose to tell lies to achieve their own goals or protect their own interests. For example, some micro-merchants may exaggerate the effectiveness of their products to attract more people to join them.
The third scenario is that some people may tell lies to reach their goals. For example, some employees may exaggerate their performance in front of their boss in order to get more rewards or promotions. In fact, the boss may have lied that the situation of the peers is not good, he just wants you to feel that the industry has prospects and make you feel more confident to stay in the company.
If you tell the truth, tell you that the business of the whole industry is not good, not only the sales in your store are low, but the sales of other stores are also low. You may ask your boss to lower your sales task because the overall industry is sluggish, and the original task may be too high for you to make money. If the boss doesn't lower the task, you may choose to leave, resulting in the loss of people in the company and the boss's business not being able to continue. So in order to achieve his own end, he chose to say something that was not true.
To give another example, for example, friends who are attending a class, regardless of age, have all experienced the process of falling in love. A beautiful lady met a man through a friend's introduction, and when they first met, she thought that this young man was very good in all aspects, but he was a little shorter, and he looked only 1.65 meters. She asked the introducer what was the height of the boy? The introducer may say that he is 1.72 meters, a few centimeters more.
The purpose of the introducer is to bring the two of you together, he thinks that height is not the most important thing, this young man has a good character, a successful career and a sense of responsibility, as a person who has come over, he thinks that the two of you can live well together. So even though he knew that the boy was not tall, he deliberately said that he was taller, which meant that the boy was not low, although he looked a little short. The reality is that people who look short are indeed lower in height.
The introducer chooses to tell a white lie in order to get you to have more contact with each other, hoping that a lover will eventually become married. Don't miss out on a suitable person because of some unimportant details. After all, the gap between 1.6 meters and 1.72 meters is not big.
Introducers lie to make it easier for them to achieve their own ends. So choose to say something false.
The three ways of lying are not necessarily malicious, they can be well-intentioned, and of course they can be malicious.
When communicating with people, it is often beneficial to be able to hear the truth and know the most truthful information, but this is not always the case. It is also necessary to consider the psychological impact on others. For example, when an elderly person is examined in the hospital and is found to be seriously ill, he may become more ill out of fear if he is told the truth. But if you tell him that there is no big problem, take good care of it and cooperate with the doctor**, his psychological state will be more relaxed, and the ** possibility will be greater.
The act itself does not have meaning, but the result of the act gives meaning to the act.
When it comes to truth and lies, we can't simply judge which is better or worse, but rather look specifically at what kind of results they bring. If telling the truth has destructive results, then such truths are not worth advocating. And some lies may make the people around you or yourself better, so such lies are also a clever strategy.
Case Study] Su Qin and Zhang Yi once followed Mr. Guiguzi together to learn the art of lobbying the princes.
When Zhang Yi returned home after completing her studies, she was looked down upon because of her poor family. At this time, Su Qin had successfully made an appointment with the six countries, and he was famous for a while.
Su Qin was worried that his plan to make up with the Six Kingdoms would be cracked by the Qin State, and hoped to send one of his own people to be an undercover agent in the Qin State. This person must not only have clever schemes, but also have a deep friendship with himself. He thought that this person was none other than Zhang Yi, so he secretly sent someone to persuade Zhang Yi to defect to him. This person did not tell Zhang Yi that he was sent by Su Qin.
After Zhang Yi came, Su Qin deliberately didn't see him, making him wait for several days to see someone. And let Zhang Yi sit in a humble position and eat the servant's food. He also fell to Zhang Yi many times: "With your talent, you have made yourself poor to such a point." It's not that I can't make you rich through referrals, it's just that even if I recommend you, you can't do it. Euphemistically dismissed Zhang Yi's request.
Before Zhang Yi came, he thought that he and Su Qin were classmates and old friends, and thought that he could get some benefits by asking Su Qin for help. Unexpectedly, he was humiliated by Su Qin and was very angry. At the same time, thinking that Su Qin has now succeeded in making an agreement and wearing the seal of the six countries, it means that there is no place for himself in the six countries, and he can only go to the Qin State, which is hostile to the six countries. So he went to Qin.
After Zhang Yi left, Su Qin said to his subordinates: Zhang Yi is a wise man in the world, with stronger ability and higher level than me, but now his family is poor and lacks accommodating capital. I was also worried that he would be greedy for small profits because of the difficulties of reality, so I deliberately invited him to humiliate him, so that he could be angry and strong. You go and support him now.
Su Qin told King Zhao to pull up the gold and silver money in a carriage, and secretly sent people to follow Zhang Yi. Little by little, he gradually approached Zhang Yi and gradually established a relationship. As long as Zhang Yi needs money, give him as much as he wants. With these grants, Zhang Yi met with King Hui of Qin and was made a guest secretary (a person who came to Qin from other vassal states to serve as an official).
The subordinate told Zhang Yi that the person who really understood him was not himself, but Su Qin. Su Qin deliberately let him be humiliated, provoked him, and then secretly sent people to fund him, these were all Su Qin's arrangements. Now that Zhang Yi has achieved fame, it is time for him to go back and hand over the errand.
This story is from "Historical Records: The Biography of Zhang Yilie". In this case, Su Qin orchestrated a series of lies to deceive Zhang Yi, but his purpose was to help Zhang Yi. Afterwards, Zhang Yi not only did not hold a grudge against Su Qin, but would be grateful for his kindness. If a person can have such a friend, he will be satisfied!
Chapter 3: How to Hear the Truth.
The previous section analyzed why people tell lies and why they might be able to do so. The first reason is the fear of being blamed, and in order to avoid emotional discomfort and being complained about, choose to tell lies. In the second case, it is to pursue more benefits or avoid damage to one's own interests, so it is a lie. The third situation is to meet one's set goals and objectives, to make it easier to achieve the results one wants, and choose to tell lies.
By analyzing these three situations in which people tell lies, we can derive ways to listen to the truth. Whether it is internal communication within the family or external communication such as business negotiations, listening to the truth needs to pay attention to the following points:
First, have the ability to listen to the truth. No matter who the other person is, especially when facing children or subordinates. The root cause why they don't tell the truth is not that they are willing to tell a lie, but because they are not accepted, blamed, or pressured to tell the truth. To avoid these negative emotions, they choose to lie.
When educating children, if you can't get the real information about your child, the education method will often be skewed. So how should it be solved? First and foremost, parents should have the ability to accept the real situation. Whether it's a good or bad child, parents should accept their honesty.
In the case of children or subordinates telling lies to their parents or leaders, the more essential reason is that the parents or leaders are incapable of listening to the truth. The ability to listen to the truth means that no matter what happens, you can face it calmly, find a way to solve the real problem, and think about how to be better, rather than blaming and complaining about the person in front of you. Otherwise, you may never hear the truth.
Second: Allow others to make mistakes. In particular, parents should allow their children to make mistakes, and leaders should allow their subordinates to make mistakes. If you don't allow others to make mistakes, and when others make mistakes, you get angry, complain, blame, and curse, then the person who made the mistake will tend to cover up his mistakes.
In reality, the more intolerant parents are of their children's mistakes, the harder it is to hear what their children really think. When he makes a mistake, he will hide and deceive you in various ways. The same applies to the relationship between husband and wife. If the wife does not tolerate her husband's mistakes, and if the husband gets angry and quarrels at the slightest mistake, then sometimes she hears lies made up by her husband instead of the truth. When the husband makes a mistake, he will choose to cheat on him.
If a man makes a mistake out there and you know that he can accept it and calmly discuss the problem and make up for the loss in time, he will dare to tell you the truth. For example, some boys like to drink a little alcohol, and sometimes drinking too much is considered to be a small mistake in life. If the wife finds out that her husband has drunk too much and takes good care of him, arranges for him to drink some water to sober up and rest early, then the man's first choice after drinking too much is to think about going home. Another situation is that when the husband drinks too much and comes home and vomits and stare at him and doesn't know anything, the wife gets angry when she sees this situation and is unwilling to take care of her husband, and if she quarrels and scolds and loses her temper, you will drink so much wine in the future, and come back with your wife and you. At this time, the man was already uncomfortable in his stomach because of drinking, coupled with his wife's scolding, he might choose to tell a white lie and get by, and then after drinking, he went to a buddy's house to stay and call his wife, saying that I have something important to talk about looking for Zhang San, and I will come back later, or I won't go back tonight, and I will live here in Zhang San. And Zhang San may also play a round and take the ** and say that my sister-in-law is fine, your husband is here, you can rest assured, he won't go back tonight, I have something to do with him. It's normal for buddies to beat each other and hide from their wives. You see, the reason why he is lying is because you don't allow him to make mistakes. Educate your children in the same way: if you don't allow your children to make mistakes, they will keep lying to you; In the same way as leaders and subordinates, if you don't allow your subordinates to make mistakes, your subordinates will constantly lie to you; Lesbians don't allow their husbands to make mistakes, so they keep lying to you; Men don't allow their wives to make a little mistake, and their wife keeps lying to you, as long as they make mistakes, they will find a way to cover them up and hide them so that they don't let you know, so one of the secrets of wanting to hear the truth is to allow others to make mistakes, and it doesn't matter if you make mistakes, sit down and talk about it, find a way, think about how to not make mistakes again next time, so that you can hear the truth. In fact, he may have watched five episodes of the TV series. Or worse, my arm hurts so much that I can't even lift my clothes, isn't that nonsense? Why are you forcing me to talk this nonsense?
Negative communication can lead to resistance from the other person. Using negative language to communicate can reduce trust between people and trigger emotional problems. When one party communicates in this way, the other party may choose to cover up the truth with lies or make up false reasons to shirk responsibility.
Therefore, to hear the truth, we need to learn to communicate positively. Also, how do we hear the other side in the truth when monetary interests are involved? Just remember: focus on what happened, not what a person said. This is especially important if it is a very important matter and there is a monetary interest involved.
For example, don't just listen to what they say, but focus on what's going on when investing, buying a product or service, introducing a project, or pitching a product.
Section 4: Summary of the chapter.
To get someone to tell the truth, you must first be clear about the circumstances under which a person will tell a lie. The first is that the truth will make the other person uncomfortable. He was afraid of being complained about or blamed, so he chose to lie. In the second case, in order to pursue more profits, or for fear of losing their own interests, they choose to lie. The third situation is when you have a set goal and are afraid that your goal will not be achieved, so you choose to lie.
So how do you get others to tell the truth? We gave three suggestions: the first is to have the ability to listen to the truth and have the ability to accept the facts; The second point is to allow others to make mistakes. Especially for the relationship between parents and children, leaders and subordinates, they must be allowed to make mistakes so that they can hear the truth; The third point is to adopt a positive language communication style. If it is a negative way of communicating verbally, the other person is likely to feel negative emotions such as antagonism, resistance, complaining, and accusation. In this way he will cover up the truth with lies.