Resonate and get the other person to speak.
Section 1: Essence of the Original Texts.
There is a sentence in Guiguzi Mo Chapter: Micro Mozhi, with what he wants, measure and explore the inner Fu Bing.
Brief explanation: micro: hidden, unknown. Here you can understand that you know what you know, and you don't tell others about your thoughts and actions.
Mo: Refers to communication and interaction with people, including verbal communication and behavioral interaction.
Inner character: This word is a proper noun in Guiguzi. It means that all the behaviors of a person, all the content expressed in language, are matched with the inner thoughts, in modern terms: what a person does and says is because he thinks first in his head, and thinking determines behavior. Thinking and acting are nothing but the same kernel presented in two different forms from two different angles.
The gist of this sentence is: when interacting with people, follow the needs of the right person, step by step, then his true inner thoughts will definitely be revealed. It's just that as long as you know the implementation process in your own heart, you can't tell the other party.
The reason why you can't tell the other party is also very simple, if he knows that you can understand people's inner thoughts just by a few words, they will be afraid and will avoid you far away. No one wants to let others see through their own thoughts.
The concept of Guiguzi Neifu is a relatively neutral description, which talks about the corresponding relationship between the internal and external aspects, and it is even clearer by referring to another sentence in the Tao Te Ching.
The Tao Te Ching says: The way of heaven is to make up for the deficiency.
1] Where a person has a scarcity, there is a demand there, and the reverse logic also holds, the stronger a person's demand for what kind of content, the more scarce it is. This is called making up for the shortcomings, and making up for the shortcomings, and this power will be reflected at the psychological level of people.
For example, if a person who wants to study particularly drops out of school because of his family's poverty, it will cause a lack of psychology in this area, and his thirst for knowledge is often stronger than others. In behavior, it will show a thirst for knowledge and a strong desire for knowledge.
Then when we see that a person has a particularly strong desire for knowledge and a special desire for knowledge, we can infer that it is likely that this person once wanted to read, but for some reason lost the opportunity. In turn, it can be inferred that the content of knowledge learning and growth and progress may stimulate the interest of the person.
Therefore, the more intensely a person pursues something, it is often caused by the lack of the past.
There is a saying that a happy childhood can be **a lifetime, and an unhappy childhood needs a lifetime**. It is because of the psychological impact of childhood on the lack of love and lack that it will be deeply imprinted into the subconscious, and this deep lack will lead to a person looking for lost love and warmth all his life, but there are not many lucky people, and most of the characteristics of social relations after growing up can no longer be found, so the regrets of childhood accompany a lifetime. And a happy childhood will make a person rich in heart from an early age, and this satisfaction will also accompany him for a lifetime, even if he encounters some setbacks and twists and turns, he will face it more positively psychologically.
2] Something that has caused stress and pain to a person is inclined to avoid it. The reverse logic is that the more a person tries to avoid something, the more it shows that the content has caused him stress and pain. This is called the loss of more than loss, and the loss of excess is lost, which is another power that is reflected at the level of the human heart.
For example, when a child was often criticized by his parents for being picky, when he grew up, he would have special resistance and resistance in the face of criticism from others, and even some reasonable suggestions, he was unwilling to accept them. Prefer to pursue freedom and go my own way. Because the accusation or pickiness in the past brought him too much pressure and pain.
Then we see that a person is unwilling to accept other people's suggestions, or is particularly resistant to criticism, we can infer that this person is likely to have suffered too much criticism and accusation from his parents in his original family when he was a child, and then we know that this kind of person is resistant to other people's suggestions and criticisms, so if we need to give this person advice, we should take a relatively tactful way, when the other party has any mistakes that need to be corrected, we also need to consider, can not be pointed out directly, and use heuristic methods to make the other party realize his mistakes, he may be more willing to accept。
The Tao Te Ching is characterized by a clear analysis of phenomena that tells us what is this world? The feature of "Guiguzi" is that it tells us what to do when we encounter problems, and focuses more on the exploration of methods and behaviors.
For another example, a considerable number of the ** arrested in the anti-corruption operation are from poor families. Such a family background can lead them to overvalue the value of money. Once they have power and access to money, they become greedy. And people from wealthy families, even if they have the opportunity to enter the ** job and get a certain position, are usually able to look at their work and income rationally.
The higher a person's desire for something, the greater his value judgment about that thing. He is willing to pay the price or take the risk to get what he wants. For example, more than 90% of lottery ticket buyers are ordinary people who don't have much money. These people's desire to get rich overnight is far greater than that of the white-collar and middle-class classes. They understand that buying a lottery ticket to win a lottery is a small probability event, but because of the desire, they are willing to bear the cost of buying lottery tickets, even knowing that most of the money spent on lottery tickets may not be recovered, and still happily buy them. If you do a survey, you will find that the most elite group of people in society basically do not buy lottery tickets, and even if they do occasionally, they do so only as a game, not to win the lottery.
The basis of the lottery's existence is the classic Matthew effect, which is to deprive the poor of what little money they have and concentrate it in the hands of the richer.
If I can understand what a person's heart desires the most, I can make him contribute more value at the least cost. This exchange behavior is reciprocal on a psychological level, but on an objective social level, the difference in value can be very large. At the most extreme extreme, the content you provide costs nothing, and the value of the other person's contribution is meaningful. "Guiguzi Feizhen" calls this phenomenon "empty and real".
For example, a woman gives her body for a bar of soap. On her psychological level, soap and her physical value are equivalent. If this behavior is seen as an act of exchange, she herself does not feel that she is at a loss. However, in another woman, it may seem that if you give me a bar of soap, I won't even have a chance to look at you. Because her value judgment "I am looking at you" is greater than "the value of a piece of soap", if you give me a piece of soap and I am looking at you, I will suffer.
There is often a huge contrast between different people's judgments on the psychological value and objective value of things.
2] A person will overestimate the value of something that he rejects because of his inner resistance, and pay more attention to seeing its shortcomings and ignoring its advantages.
For example, the situation we mentioned earlier: parents are strict with their children and often criticize and blame their children. This behavior causes children to often face stress and pain as they grow up, and they reject criticism and advice from others when they grow up. He will think that you criticize me as disrespectful to me, just nitpicking. Even if you give me advice, it is a negation of me, and ignoring the criticism and advice of others is also one of the ways to grow yourself. Through the criticism of others, you can find your own shortcomings, and through the suggestions of others, you can get more ways of doing things and open up your thinking.
Another example is that some people hate the taste of alcohol and almost never drink alcohol. He may feel that wine is optional on any occasion. Others, on the other hand, think that a formal meal is not a meal without alcohol. Therefore, the psychological value of drinking alcohol in the eyes of different people is completely different.
3] Things that are neither particularly needed nor particularly excluded will be taken for granted, leading to a certain degree of neglect of the value of the thing itself, or even insensitivity. This type of situation is characterized by being able to meet one's own needs without causing undue stress and pain to oneself, which is a state of equilibrium. We can call this attitude towards things a normal mind.
For example, people with better looks do not have high requirements for their appearance when choosing a mate, but pay more attention to other aspects. Because he has become accustomed to his beautiful appearance, he has no special feelings about the appearance of another person. On the contrary, people who look average or feel that they are average in appearance have higher requirements for the appearance of the other person when choosing a partner, which is the so-called "appearance bureau".
Based on the above three inferences, we find that there is a strange logic in human behavior: once you really have the things you are striving for, you may become completely numb or even treat them as a burden and want to abandon them; And what you have, what you ignore, or even what you always want to lose may be something that others have been pursuing for a long time but have not been able to get. There are three main situations in which people are willing to take the initiative to express and speak: realistic needs, needs to be recognized, and emotions that they want to talk about. Once we understand these situations, we will know how to get the other person to take the initiative.
Human needs can be divided into material needs and spiritual needs. Material needs are usually stimulated when there is economic scarcity, while spiritual needs are stimulated when the inner spiritual world is scarce. For example, salespeople actively promote products based on material needs because they want to make a profit from the sale to meet their own needs. On the other hand, people's desire to be recognized and gain a sense of accomplishment often stems from past experiences, especially those who are neglected by their parents in the family of origin are more likely to have a lack of recognition. In addition, when a person has a depressed mood that needs to be released and wants to confide, they often seek the listening and support of others.
By summarizing, we can find that there are two main situations of active speaking: one is personal needs, all of which arise from scarcity, which may be past or present; The other is the emotional need to be released and confided.
After understanding these situations, we will be able to see through many phenomena in life. For example, in recent years, there has been a buzzword called "changing circles", which means that if a person's social circle is not high enough, they should contact people at a higher level to improve the quality and value of their circle. However, judging from what is said in this chapter, the so-called circle change is actually a farce of self-hypnosis.
Circles are often formed because there is a group of people who share the same needs and hobbies, and are therefore able to confide in each other. The underlying logic of the circle is first what kind of person you are, and then find people who are similar to you, so that you become a circle. If the things behind the two people are not the same, the superficial contact alone cannot form a circle. It is only when there is a change in what is within a person that the circle around him changes with it. The essence of interpersonal communication is value exchange, and the basis of value exchange is value differentiation and value equivalence. Therefore, the so-called circle is a group of people with different resources in their hands to establish a relationship of trust through communication, which is conducive to further value exchange.
From the perspective of psychological value needs, people are willing to make friends with people who have more resources than themselves. However, most of the time they end up being able to become a stable circle because they share similar values and needs. At the level of social behavior, only a two-way flow of energy can establish a stable relationship. If there is a big difference in energy and resources between two people, then the relationship will not last long. Of course, this exchange of energy can be homogeneous or complementary. For example, a successful businessman can be friends with a knowledgeable academic. It is also a balance that businessmen learn more knowledge and wisdom from scholars, and scholars receive financial support from businessmen. In this relationship, if the businessman only learns from the scholar and does not give a corresponding return, then the relationship will not last; Vice versa. The alliance of government and business is a typical example, and different levels of ** will be surrounded by different levels of businessmen, which is the result of equal resources. Power and money are interchangeable to some extent.
As a result, the elites in society understand the logic of the value exchange of resources, which makes it easier for them to succeed in doing things. This is not only because this is the basic rule of the functioning of society, but also the law of human nature. And those who live at the bottom, do not have the resources and do not understand these laws, shout "fairness" every day, essentially expecting handouts from others. Lasting and stable circles are built on the ability to consistently provide value to each other. At the same time, based on the principle of reciprocity, they can also get the value they need from each other. This value can be both material and spiritual.
For example, someone likes to play table tennis and met a group of people who like to play table tennis. Based on a common hobby and the need to exercise, everyone came together and became a circle. It doesn't matter what kind of person the other party's social identity is, there may be students in school in this circle, there may be more successful businessmen, and there may be **. It doesn't matter what kind of identity you have in society, everyone is a person who likes to play table tennis, and that's enough.
Guiguzi Nei Zhen Chapter".
Everything is intrinsically connected, often stemming from primordial bonds. This bond may be morality, friendship, wealth, or beauty. Use its intentions to enter or exit as you like; proximity or distantness; approaching or moving away; Seek or think.
To understand the situations in which a person is willing to take the initiative to express their opinions, the method of triggering the other person to take the initiative to express themselves also emerges, including four steps:
First, clarify the relationship. Because once we have a relationship, we know what the other person is likely to pursue in that relationship. Different relationships mean different goals. In different relationships, the points of need behind the person are different. For example, the relationship between a salesman and a customer is simple and straightforward, and it is a buyer-seller relationship. The purpose of a salesman is nothing more than to sell a product to make a profit. If a customer is interested in what you're selling and wants to learn more about the company, you just don't have to say no outright and don't rush to buy. As long as you haven't bought it yet, and you are likely to do so, the salesman will keep introducing you and will be willing to share everything he knows, with the aim of selling the product and making money, which is where his desire lies. You are his client or potential customer.
Second, be clear about what kind of information you need to get, and more information is not always better. "Guiguzi Chapter" mentions a concept called Zhoumi. Combined with Guiguzi's thoughts, we can define thoroughness as the minimum amount of information that is valid and necessary. When communicating with people, you should be clear about what you want to know, and only the information that is valid and necessary is really needed. The necessary information needs to be fully understood and cannot be left out. Invalid information needs to be filtered out to avoid distractions and wasted effort. It only takes a few short sentences for a master communicator to understand key information and make the right judgments and choices. Therefore, after clarifying the relationship, it is also necessary to clarify what information needs to be understood in different relationships, to what extent, and the purpose of communication. Neither get unnecessary spam nor leave out valuable and useful information.
Third, be clear about what resonates. For example, telling ghost stories. When friends get together to chat, if someone tells a scary ghost story, others may follow the thread. Everyone is curious about ghost stories, and the first storyteller resonates with everyone. This example tells us that resonance needs to be guided, and if you want to listen to whatever content, you can guide it, and the other party will continue to talk if it has resonance.
Finally, a little tip: ask the same question over and over again, or ask important questions over and over again. This doesn't mean asking a question several times in a row, but rather repeating it at different times, places, and circumstances. The more specific and detailed the question, the more it will lead to the truth. This is a very useful communication technique that can reveal the false words of the other person. Of course, this method is not only suitable for communication between couples, but also for friends, colleagues, and business relationships. Here's a real-life example:
A man suspected that his wife was having an affair, but no evidence was found. One day, his wife didn't come home after a day off, saying that she had gone to the mall to buy clothes, and did bring back two newly bought clothes.
The man quietly asked some questions, such as which malls he visited today, what kind of clothes he saw, which mall he bought, how much **, etc. These are all questions that the lady has prepared for a long time, so there are certainly no loopholes in the answers.
A few days later, when the two of them were watching TV together at night, the man asked about the newly bought dress, saying that a friend next to him said that he felt good when he saw it, and wanted to know which mall he bought it, how much it was, and so on.
A few more days later, the two of them had dinner together with other friends. Because he came early, in the process of waiting for other friends, the man asked the woman about the ** and where to buy the dress.
The second and third times she asked, the lady was completely unprepared for the man to ask the question. The ** of the clothes that led to the answer is completely different, and the place of purchase is completely different. And when I can't remember how much ** was for the first time, and I forgot where to buy it for the first time, I will be very flustered and very unnatural. Through this incident, this man will naturally be able to force him to ask, what did this woman do that day?
In fact, the clothes were not bought at all, but given by another man. That day, he didn't go to the mall at all, but was fooling around with another man.
There is only one objective fact, and if the same thing is described 10,000 times, it is also the same content. And the woven lies will be described differently at different times and in different places because of the laws of human memory.
To sum up: there are four steps to how we want a person to speak up:
The first step is to clarify the relationship and have a clear understanding of the type of relationship with the other person and what the other person expects in this relationship; The second step is to determine what information is useful and what is not in the relationship; The third step is to empathize and guide the conversation based on the topic that the other person is interested in. If the third step doesn't serve its purpose, use the fourth step: keep repeating the same question and focus on the information that is valid and necessary. The premise is to accurately judge the rhythm and environment of the question, as well as what the other party is willing to answer.
Summary of this chapter: The content I summarized today comes from "Guiguzi Mo Chapter": Micro Mozhi, with what it wants, measured and explored, and the internal characters must be answered. The language of human behavior expresses the external, and the internal reason is that there are thoughts in the heart, and these two aspects are corresponding. People will say and do whatever they think in their hearts. In another sentence in the Guiguzi Mo chapter, it is called: Fill the flat ground with water, and the wet one will be wet first; Hold on to the salary, and the dry one burns first. This means that if we pour water on the ground, we will find that the water will flow to a damp place and finally to a dry place. In the same way, similar content attracts each other, and so does people's hearts, and so does everything in the world. The same is true of the content, desires, and emotions that people pay attention to: the more similar people are, the more attracted they are to each other, and the more similar emotions they have, the more they are willing to walk together.