Divorce heals, what harm does marriage hurt?
When my friend's marriage was coming to an end, she received the unexpected news that her five-year chronic eczema had miraculously cured. She said the decision to divorce freed her from being a victim and it took five years for her to accept the failure of her marriage.
During these five years, she was deeply resentful of her ex-husband. However, in the moment of making up her mind to tidy up the relationship, she finds that her resentment towards him disappears and her eczema heals at this time.
Although this upbringing came a little later, I told her that the good thing is that it only took you five years, not a lifetime.
The most frightening thing in marriage is not meeting a partner who is not a good match, or meeting someone who once met your expectations but behaved the opposite of what you imagined.
What's really worrying is that you position yourself as a victim and continue to indulge in that identity. And what really destroys marriage and life is this "victim mentality".
When a marriage suffers a setback, some people choose to hide in victim role. They blame each other for all their problems as a way to vent their resentment. However, the real solution is to start from "me" and think about the reason behind all this, is it because of the other party's problem or because of yourself?
This way of thinking is the right way to open up relationships, self and marriage.
When dealing with marital relations, from:"Me"Departure than immersion"Victim thinking"More beneficial. While we all know these truths, they are often difficult to put into practice in practice.
That's why my friend has been living in the victim mindset and can't help himself. This kind of thinking will not solve the marital problem, but will make both parties compete for the status of victims.
In fact, our expectations of marriage are too idealistic, craving the missing love from our partner and ignoring the pain and frustration in marriage. Marriage is a repetition of the original family pattern and a manifestation of trauma in our subconscious.
When we feel that our marriage is not as expected, we will choose to stand in the victim's shoes because we cannot afford to be disappointed and frustrated. It is a way of evading responsibility and condemning the other party.
In contrast, self-reflection and self-change are much more difficult, which is why there are many victims in marriage. Therefore, we should start from our own point of view and avoid falling into the thinking of the victim in order to better handle the marital relationship.
02"Victim thinking"will sink people into"Baby-like marriage"。
Although victim thinking may make you feel better in the short term and give you the opportunity to blame others and avoid your problems temporarily (or forever), it will cost you more if you keep thinking that way.
This kind of thinking can lead to mutual resentment between partners. If everyone is blaming each other and trying to change each other to solve the problem, no one will be a winner.
In this case, marriage will become a daily war, no matter how big or small, two people will fight over right and wrong, neither is willing to change, and everyone will think that the other is a bad person.
Or one party is forced to change and suppress the ego. Such a marriage is undoubtedly unhealthy. Victim thinking can make you live in the feeling of a baby and stunt your growth.
You will think of yourself as an incapacitated baby. If a baby is not well raised, he can be considered a victim because he cannot move, cannot speak, and his state of life depends entirely on the adult.
If he is not satisfied, he can blame the adults around him for not taking good care of him. However, if you maintain a victim mindset all the time, you will not be able to grow and become an individual.
You need to think outside the box and face and solve problems, not run away from them. Only in this way can you truly grow and truly become a capable person.
In a marital relationship, some people tend to fall into a victim mentality, like babies who are unable to think and act independently. They expect their partner to bring them joy and fulfillment, and once they fail to meet their expectations, they will shift the blame to the other person and feel that they have been hurt.
This paranoid thinking, like the attitude of babies towards their mothers, is that when the mother satisfies their needs, they love their mother, and vice versa. However, the subject in the marital relationship should be aware of his own capacity and responsibility, and actively think about and deal with the conflict in the relationship, rather than blindly expecting and attacking.
Because everyone has their own flaws and blemishes, and partners are no exception. Happiness can only be truly found by understanding and accepting this fact.
Some people will say, I don't demand a lot from him, I give a lot, but he still doesn't do well, can I blame him? Can I ask him to change? However, if you go and blame him, will he really change?
Can you do it if you ask him? In fact, the victim is also silently blaming himself in his heart. Worse still, this self-attack can cause the victim to lose faith in life.
But if we are willing to step out from the victim's perspective, we see a new truth – not that all men are bad all the time, but that both men and women have their own shortcomings, and we don't know enough about ourselves and others.
A good friend of mine who has been resenting her partner for five years and complaining about her marriage, and this resentment and complaining is also hurting her. "I hated him and felt unlucky, I felt that I was not loved, that life was difficult, and that I could not feel relaxed and happy looking back on every day of the past."
Don't think of marriage as a tragic drama, that's just an idealized misunderstanding of it. The philosopher Alain de Botton has a profound quote about marriage: "Every possible marriage partner has his flaws, and it is wise to look pessimistically about marriage."
When we are alone alone, we have the illusion that we are a good person to work with. With such a lack of understanding of our own personalities, it's no wonder we don't know exactly what kind of partner we need. ”
This sentence breaks our romantic illusions about marriage and reveals the essence of marriage. We always think that as long as we find a good partner, our marriage will be full of happiness.
However, marriage is not about being in love, but about two close people living together and gradually exposing their shortcomings and scars. How can we be confident that the marriage will be successful and that the partner will bring us happiness?
Alain de Botton once said, "A bad marriage can be the greatest price in life." "Unfortunately, we often make the wrong decisions. When choosing marriage, we often only see the side of ourselves and each other, and we don't even know ourselves, let alone each other.
Understanding is a long process, whereas marriage is a choice made within a certain period of time with a specific motive. Therefore, it is no exaggeration to say that the choice of marriage is a game of blind man's elephant.
This is the truth of marriage. Your view of marriage may be ruining you.
An unhappy marriage cannot simply be blamed on one person, but may stem from: your imperfections, his imperfections; Your family of origin imprint, his family of origin imprint; Your compulsive repetition, his compulsive repetition.
You are attracted to each other, but you don't fully understand each other, and you are driven by the urge to love, the anticipation of marriage, the anxiety about the big things in marriage, and the desire for emotional connection.
But that doesn't mean you're fit for marriage, understand marriage, or mature enough to deal with the flaws in your intimate relationship, or that you're the best choice to be with him.
If you can let go of the victim mentality, stop being as innocent as a baby and expect happiness from the other person, and be willing to accept the marriage as it really is, and can also bear the possibility of marriage failure, you can try to take responsibility for your relationship like a responsible adult.
1.First, we need to understand our and our partner's family backgrounds, as well as each other's deep traumatic points. For example, if you crave love, he needs it too, but if you keep asking for it, he may feel stressed and troubled.
Another example is that the way you speak is always controlling, while the way he expresses it is cold and distant. These are all influences from our family environment and experiences from which we grew up.
2.We need to recognize that the subconscious mind and family of origin are beyond our control and that our personality patterns cannot be achieved through simple thinking and change.
We need to get to the bottom of each other's shortcomings and then consider whether we can adjust so that our relationship is balanced and comfortable for both of us.
3.Finally, we need to seriously consider whether we are really a good fit for this marriage. If none of our inner patterns can be changed, and that pattern only causes pain to the other person, then we may need to reconsider our decision.
What we need to think about is what this marriage has brought us, whether we are willing to continue to maintain it, and whether we are willing to continue this marriage to the end of our lives.
Remember, marriage and your partner alone won't ruin you, it's your attitude towards marriage that really ruins you.