There are often topics on the Internet for people to leave comments, such as telling about the circumstances under which they were completely disappointed in their partner.
A girl left a message saying that she came to her aunt one day, her stomach hurt for a day, and she broke out in a cold sweat all over her body, she gritted her teeth and insisted until she got off work, and came home and lay on the bed.
Finally waited for her boyfriend to arrive home, she called her boyfriend to come and hug her, bring herself a cup of hot water, who knew that her boyfriend glanced at her and said, "Oh, then you drink more hot water", and then quickly put on headphones and started playing.
At that moment, tears welled up in the girl's eyes. She cried while covering the quilt, and told herself that no matter how difficult and tired she was in the future, she would never let her boyfriend hug her again.
This message has been liked by many netizens. It turns out that there are many girls with similar experiences.
There is also a message from a girl, saying that she was once scolded by the leader in the company, wronged, and wanted to find her husband for comfort, but her husband in turn accused herself of making mistakes all the time, no wonder she was scolded, the more she listened, the more aggrieved she became, and decided never to tell her husband about her troubles at work again.
Looking at these comments, we will find that everyone's disappointment in the relationship is all in these seemingly insignificant little things.
Maybe there is no cheating, and there are no principled issues such as domestic violence, but why is it so sad?
There is a term in psychology called "attachment injury", which refers to when you need support, encouragement, and comfort from the other person at some important moments in your life, you don't get a corresponding response.
At this time, the person concerned will feel very hurt and disappointed.
These moments may seem inconsequential, especially for the partner, who may not even know what is going on, but the injury is real.
Because this kind of injury is very hidden, and it is difficult to reach a consensus, you think it is important, and the other party may not take it seriously, so it is easy for people to ignore this kind of injury, and the person concerned will feel that he is not too hypocritical, how to dwell on this little thing for a long time.
But the key to attachment hurt is here, you feel hurt, that's hurt, and it doesn't have to be agreed with the other person. You want to get attached to him, but he pushes you away, which in itself is sad enough.
So, when we find ourselves with attachment injuries, what do we do to deal with them?
When an attachment injury occurs, many women's psychological processes are volatile.
First of all, they will be very aggrieved and sad, and they will silently think in their hearts: Why do you treat me like this, I will never rely on you again.
At this time, grievances, disappointments, and anger will take over the emotional upper hand.
Some of them will become defensive, just like they imagined - never open their hearts to their partners again, grit their teeth and carry them by themselves no matter how difficult and tired they are, and never show weakness and ask for help from their partners.
Of course, there seems to be a high wall between them and their partners.
There are also some women who are unwilling to be treated like this, and lose their temper with their partners, making trouble.
If your partner has limited patience, she may in turn criticize and deny her, saying that she is "making a big fuss" and "making trouble".
When the emotions fade, these women are likely to fall into self-doubt, and will feel that they are really too petty, too stingy, and not a big deal, as for being so sad?
At this point, you must be sure of your feelings.
The generation of negative emotions has nothing to do with the size of the event, if you feel hurt, then the hurt is real.
It may be that these kinds of events are reversed, and it may be that these events inspired negative experiences in your childhood, but don't criticize yourself for making a big fuss.
Only when you affirm your feelings can you accept it and let it go out properly. Only then can you understand its reminder to you and know to take good care of yourself.
You can ask yourself how I feel now, whether I am disappointed, angry, aggrieved, or depressed, and face up to your feelings.
Many times, the reason why we feel completely disappointed, helpless, and feel attached hurt is because we put ourselves in the position of a victim and think that the hurt is caused by the other person and that there is nothing we can do about it.
For example, the netizen mentioned at the beginning of the article, she wanted her boyfriend to hug her when her stomach hurt, but her boyfriend didn't do it, she was very sad, so what else could she do for herself to make herself more comfortable?
She can make herself brown sugar water, paste a warm treasure sticker, order a takeout for herself, order a porridge, and then find a way to divert her attention, such as watching a TV series or something.
When she feels better, she can pick another suitable time to communicate with her boyfriend about this matter.
She can tell her boyfriend how uncomfortable she was at that time, how helpless she was, and how much she needed his comfort and companionship.
Let your boyfriend understand how important he is to him at the time, show what kind of support you need from him, and then communicate a plan that is acceptable to both of you.
But if you don't do anything, don't tell your needs, but expect the other party to suddenly open up and start caring for you, I'm afraid you will probably be disappointed.
And in the absence of communication with the other party, deciding to never open yourself to the other party again is undoubtedly pushing the other party farther and farther away.
In the same way, not doing something for herself to make herself comfortable, she will only feel more and more pitiful and hateful, which will not help the relationship to improve.
Eventually, you will become more and more like an island and will not be able to take care of yourself.
Remember, even if we are hurt by attachment, we have a choice, and we can live our lives well.
If you say once or twice that you have been hurt by attachment, it may be understood that the two of you have different cognitions, and the other person cannot understand your needs.
But if you have repeatedly been hurt by this kind of injury, even if you have communicated well with the other person and told the other person about your needs, and the other person is still indifferent, then you may want to take a good look at the relationship and whether this person is suitable for you.
It is possible that there are a lot of attachment wounded parts of your personality and you need someone who is warm and considerate enough to heal you, and he may not be the right person for that.
Of course, there is also a possibility that the other party doesn't like you at all, doesn't care about you, doesn't care if you're hurt, and doesn't care how you feel. Then you need to stop your losses in time.
At this point, you need to look back at your entire relationship and think about whether he brought you more joy or pain?
Think about whether it is in the process of your relationship, you have wronged yourself too many times and fulfilled each other, so you are very eager for positive feedback from the other party.
For example, when the other party is sick, you are very nervous about him, actively serving tea, pouring water, and asking for warmth, then when you are uncomfortable, you are likely to want the other party to treat you in the same way.
Since he can't meet your needs, you might as well focus more care and attention on yourself.
But if you find that this person has a big problem in itself, he is used to asking you for what he deserves, enjoying your giving, and at the same time giving you extremely stingily, even if it is a small thing that does not easily meet your needs, it means that your status has been unequal for a long time.
It further shows that this person does not have the ability to see your needs, your feelings, and even less the ability to love others, so you have to think carefully about whether this person is a good match.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be emotionally attached to us, but a wrong person will frequently make us feel hurt by attachment.
At this time, it is the right way to see the true face of the other party as soon as possible, withdraw early, go to other channels, seek nourishment from people who really love you and people with warm hearts, and establish healthy interpersonal relationships.
Attachment injuries are common, and only by learning how to deal with them can we get out of them.
Otherwise, you may be repeatedly immersed in this pain and unable to enjoy comfortable intimacy.
Author |He is a psychologist of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and an IHNMA international hypnotist qualification, and is committed to exploring the profundity and greatness of human nature.
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