"My husband is just a piece of wood, and it's too hard to talk to him, I don't know what I'm thinking? "In life, many ladies will complain about their husbands like this.The author of "The days are staggering, but we are steady" compares the intimate relationship between husband and wife to an account, called a love account. In this book, the author teaches us to use positive psychology, learn how to store love currency, avoid the risk of bankruptcy of love accounts, and save money for love accounts, so as to harvest sweet and long-term intimacy and happy marriages.nagging and talking a lot, I don't know what she wants, what she wants to say, sometimes she gets angry if she doesn't do it, sometimes she gets angry when she does it, I really don't understand what she wants to do? "Look, the men are also bitter.
If we don't understand the many differences between the sexes, we won't be able to understand the seemingly "unreasonable" words and actions of our partner, and we won't be able to interact and communicate better with acceptance and love.
The author of this book, Wu Jikang, has worked in the Positive Psychology Research Center of the School of Social Sciences of Tsinghua University for 8 years, and now focuses on the field of marriage and family, focusing on the consulting and training of intimate relationships and marriage management, personal parenting and family education, self-growth and happiness improvement. We are committed to using positive psychology to help readers better manage a happy marriage and family, so as to build a happy society and a happy country.
Happy marriages are always similar, and unhappy marriages have their own misfortunes. And the first poison that makes a marriage unhappy is criticism and blame.
In an intimate relationship, occasional complaints are not hugely traumatic, but the accumulation of accusations can ruin the relationship, flooding the married life with toxin No. 1, and if the toxicity accumulates, it will soon trigger toxin No. 2.
Poison No. 2 taunts and contempt are more toxic than criticism and accusations, and words of ridicule and contempt will push two people who originally loved each other farther and farther apart, and will also destroy the foundation of trust in our love edifice.
Professor Gottman said that communication ends in the same way as it starts.
Neither criticism nor ridicule or contempt can resolve the contradiction, but will intensify the contradiction, and this expression is called accusatory expression. If you want to face and resolve conflicts together, you must learn to express them gently: state facts without criticism + your own feelings + your own expectations.
Toxin No. 3 and Toxin No. 4 are different reactions of different people when they are attacked by each other, "go back" and "run away". "Going back" corresponds to the No. 3 toxin - self-justification, and "escaping" is the No. 4 toxin - cold war escape.
What we often call "turning over old accounts" is a kind of implicit attack on self-justification. By using self-justification, we can not only make ourselves accountable, but also shift the blame to the other party.
In married life, once the first three poisons are hit, it will inevitably cause harm to both people, and eventually one party will have the question "Can't I hide if I can't be provoked?" mentality. One side dodged and did not solve the problemThe Cold War was also a "war," nothing more than a war without the smoke of gunpowder.
After experiencing the first four toxins, our married life will be incompatible, leaving us with bruises all over our bodies. And the greater harm is that toxin No. 5 and toxin No. 6 will be derived: refusal to repair and malicious interpretation.
Refusal to repair generally occurs in the later stages of a relationship's deterioration, when after repeated arguments and mutual hurts, both people in the intimate relationship will feel exhausted and lose confidence and hope in the relationship, resulting in complete indifference and indifference.
The biggest consequence of the first 5 toxins is that we lose trust in each other and lose hope for the future, so we will have a negative and malicious interpretation of each other's neutral or even positive words and deeds, which is also the last toxin - malicious interpretation.
For these 6 major toxins, the author gives the antidote one by one in the book, and we can find our own emotional ** bag in the book.
So, why do we have so many problems and contradictions in our married life? The answer lies in the differences between the sexes.
It has been said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It vividly depicts the great differences that exist between men and women, like different species from different planets.
Let's talk about these 4 differences::
Brain differences: Women always don't understand why men are always talking so little, and men always don't understand what women want when they are so nagging. In fact, the key to the communication gap between the sexes is the difference in brain structure and function, not that the other party is deliberately looking for trouble. If we understand the differences in the brains of both sexes, we will be able to understand and tolerate each other better.
Differences in traits: Little boys like to play with knives, guns, sticks, chases, and fights, while little girls like to play with dolls and play house. When they grew up, men often got together to play games and watch ball games, while women talked about their hearts and gossip. These differences are determined by the differences in the characteristics of men and women. Due to the differences in the characteristics of both parties, men do not know how to express their feelings and will only solve problems rationally. Women, on the other hand, expect men to pay attention to themselves and understand their feelings.
Differences in emotional needs: Men's emotional needs are to be recognized, appreciated, and worshipped; A woman's emotional needs are to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Only by understanding what the other person cares about most and desires the most, can we meet the needs of the other person and have a high-quality intimate relationship.
Family of origin differences: We often say that marriage is not just about two people, but about two families. Sometimes some small differences in life habits can also lead to big conflicts. Understanding each other and seeking common ground while reserving differences can make our marriage stronger.
The author says that a lot of incomprehension is due to ignorance. If we can "unravel" the "poison" that hurts intimacy and understand the different differences between men and women, we can make intimacy happier and sweeter.
The days are staggering, and the author of "We Are Steady" Wu Jikang told us that the money we deposit in the love account is called ** love currency, and every time we praise and praise, it will become love currency to fill our love account, on the contrary, every accusation and cold war will reduce our love currency, and even make our love account bankrupt. What we have to do is to use the open source method to deposit more love currency into the love account; Use throttling methods to spend less love currency, so that our marriage is happier and happier.
In the "throttling" chapter of love, the author teaches us to understand the differences between the sexes and avoid the "thunder" in the relationship, and in the "open source" chapter, which is more important than "throttling", the author introduces many effective methods to make a deteriorating relationship rekindle the spark of passion.
Some methods are simple and easy to use, and some methods require a little practice to master well, no matter which method, they will make each other feel a steady stream of love, and they will accumulate more and more love currency. If you want to have a happier and sweeter love and marriage, let's read this book together!
Marriages will inevitably encounter problems of one kind or another, and a good marriage needs to be maintained with love and wisdom.
A good marriage is one that fulfills each other, not consumes each other. A good marriage requires us to manage it with our hearts.