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Adolescent children have a lock in their hearts, and patience and warmth are the keys to open the locks.
Parents can get along with each other in the right way, with less competition and more understanding, to help their children get through this turbulent time.
Author |Maple
I used to think that adolescent children are really scary.
A year ago, the daughter of the first year of junior high school suddenly changed her temperament, like a walking powder bag, ready at any time.
As soon as I got home every day, I stretched my face, didn't say hello, and walked straight into the room.
I thought about it, and pushed the door open lightly, and before the words could be spoken, she yelled, "Who let you into my room!" Get out! ”
Finally when she came out of the room, I asked "Have you finished your homework", and she blew up directly: "What do you ask!" Can't you come out without writing it? Are you satisfied if you write me to death? ”
I thought that as long as I could endure it, my daughter's rebellious period would soon pass.
But within a few days, the teacher gave feedback: my daughter watched ** in class, did not hand in her homework many times, and her grades dropped one after another.
I was furious and had a big fight with my daughter, but she didn't say a word to me for a week.
Foul-tempered, talkative, unreasonable, not listening to discipline, not studying well.
My daughter's problems make me exhausted and have nothing to do!
During that time, I lost a lot of my hair, and I felt that the future was bleak: my children could not be taught well, and what was the meaning of life!
So, I had to study a lot, and as a result, I really figured out the five elements of getting along with adolescent children.
In the past six months, I have repeatedly deliberated and practiced, not only successfully alleviating the parent-child relationship, but also helping my daughter through adolescence smoothly.
Blind: Not overly concerned
There is such a scene in the TV series "The Big Exam":
Mother Dong Bihua deliberately resigned in order to let her son sprint to 985 with all her might, and stared at her son at home.
In order to monitor her son's status at all times, she also removed the lock on the door of her son's room.
Once, Dong Bihua accidentally fell asleep while accompanying her to school, and her son secretly drew a comic, and she happened to be caught by her when she woke up.
She was furious, ignoring her son's pleading, and directly ruined her son's painstaking efforts for several months.
The son directly scolded her for being sick and vicious, and she was not even as good as her stepmother! also said that in the future, she would take the test far away and never see her again.
Dong Bihua was so angry that she slapped her son, and her son was not to be outdone, so he turned around and ran away from home.
In the face of adolescent children, parents are always extremely nervous, for fear that their children will take a wrong step, so the more independent the child, the more parents have to interfere.
Remove the door of the child's bedroom, install a monitor at home, and observe the child's movements anytime and anywhere;
Peek into the child's diary, check the mobile phone records, explore the "signs" of wrong, and nip all unfavorable factors in the bud.
As everyone knows, adolescent children become more self-conscious, and they are anxious to assert their sovereignty and protect their territory.
If parents ignore the boundaries erected by their children and forcibly cross the boundaries, not only will they not be able to suppress their children, but they will lose more than they lose.
With this in mind, I began to selectively "blind".
If the daughter wants to be lazy, then let her go, and she should rest, since she has made an excuse to tell me, it proves that she has not broken the jar yet;
If your daughter's secret is unwilling to share, then it's not **, whose youth doesn't have a few little secrets.
Under my "confusion" and acceptance, my daughter is no longer so hostile to me, and her temper is obviously much better.
Zeng Qifeng said:All parents have to do is help their children become kings in their own land.
Let go of the control of the child and respect the child's privacy and space, and the adolescent child will put away his "thorns".
Hoarseness: less nagging, less preaching
Professor Li Meijin once said: When children reach puberty, the first thing parents have to do is to keep their mouths shut.
Loud preaching, blaming, and endless nagging will only force your child to say "no" to you.
is like a father in "Metamorphosis", he can't get used to seeing his son always playing games, and he will keep pouring out big truths at every opportunity:
Playing games like this is addictive, like smoking opium, playing with a dead end. ”
You have to engage in your studies, and only when you study well can you engage in entertaining things. ”
Dad's words are perfectly correct, but the son not only ignores them, but also becomes more and more addicted to games.
Parents may not understand why, but they will know by substituting it.
Imagine you're driving and the co-pilot next to you is constantly directing you: drive too fast, hit the brakes, get at a red light, drive on the right.
Do you just want to shut up the co-pilot and get out of the car?
In the same way, adolescent children want to be in control of their own lives and want to "have the final say" on their own.
They crave autonomy, but also freedom and trust.
So, I learned to keep my mouth shut.
Every day, I have to go to work, and when I get home, I just have to cook the meal.
At the dinner table, I don't mention anything about studying, just chatting with my husband about news, gossip, history, and my daughter will say a few words when she is interested.
On weekends, the whole family goes around to see the mountains, play in the water, and take pictures.
Gradually, my daughter was willing to take the initiative to talk to me about daily life.
There is a saying: "The tragedy of adolescent children is not due to the fact that parents do not love enough, but because the way of communication is wrong." ”
Less nagging, more cooking; With less preaching and more companionship, we can knock on the door of adolescent children's hearts.
Lazy hands: Don't do it
All along, I have been careful about my daughter's manners, work and rest, and diet. There is a lot of interference.
I always feel that I broke my heart for my daughter, but she did it against me everywhere, which was too unconscionable.
It wasn't until I accidentally saw actor Zhu Yuchen describe his adolescent rebellion that I realized how wrong I was.
He said that his mother's control over him runs through all aspects such as eating, wearing, living, using, and sleeping, including what to eat, what to wear, what friends to make, what time to go to bed, how things are placed, etc., and his mother has to intervene.
His mother's love for everything made him feel that he had fallen into a huge, invisible net, and he wanted to break free from this bondage, but he was helpless against maternal authority.
He was overwhelmed and tormented, but he had nowhere to vent.
When he was most painful, he thought of "suicide", touching the electric door with his hand again and again, trying to find inner salvation from the pain of being shocked.
Adolescence is a watershed for children to move towards the best of the world, and they need their parents to let go to achieve their independence.
If parents don't see their inner need for separation, and still take control of everything, it will only make them miserable.
Now I treat my daughter as an adult from the bottom of my heart, let her manage her own life, and take responsibility for her own life.
It turns out that when I no longer take care of my daughter, my daughter no longer deliberately finds faults, but enjoys unlocking new skills in life and gradually becoming independent.
When I no longer focus on her, my daughter no longer consumes each other with me, but is happy and relaxed, focusing on self-growth.
It is said that there is intimacy, love and degree.
The best love for an adolescent child is to let go and let him grow in his own way.
Broad-hearted: Respect the child
Many adolescent children begin with disrespect for the deterioration of their relationship with their parents.
Do you still remember the 14-year-old boy in Wuhan who jumped to his death?
Because he was playing poker in the classroom and was invited to his parents, he was slapped twice in public by his mother.
After that, the boy turned abruptly, jumped on the fence, and jumped down.
Studies have shown that the dopamine circuits in the brains of children become abnormally active during puberty.
This increase in dopamine causes children to be impulsive and do things without going through the brain. Once they get too emotional, they don't think about the consequences, they only think about revenge, either attacking their parents or hurting themselves.
But if parents can give their children a little more respect, the result will be another story.
Educator Jia Rongtao was also invited to be a parent, and at that time, his son copied his classmates' papers and was caught by the invigilator.
But when he arrived at school, he only expressed concern for his son, and did not mention a word about cheating on exams.
The son hesitated and wanted to explain, but he said firmly: "Don't say anything, Dad understands you." ”
After communicating with the teacher, he took his son out to eat and buy daily necessities. From beginning to end, what was passed on to his son was love and trust, and there was not even a heavy sentence such as "pay attention in the future".
My son was deeply touched and immediately made up his mind to study hard, and was finally admitted to a key university.
As the book "Positive Discipline" says:
The best way to win over teenage children is to be kind, firm, and respectful and stand aside with them first.
Respect and understanding, waiting and acceptance, are the way out and salvation for adolescent children.
When your heart is big enough, your child will give you a bigger surprise in return.
Deafness: Don't use your ears to hear, listen with your heart
Dong Yuhui said something in the live broadcast room.
In his first class at New Oriental, for some reason, the students' rebellious mood was very serious.
Especially a girl in the first row, with a straight face the whole time, kept throwing books, and when she was tired, she coughed loudly and made constant noise.
After a whole hour of commotion, Dong Yuhui didn't get angry, because what he heard in his ears was troublemaking, and what he heard in his heart was the call of the girl's heart
I'm in a broken state right now.
I can't handle my emotions on my own.
So, in class, he just kindly reminded the students to take good notes.
During recess, he made the girl a box of potion and said I just want you to feel better.
Sure enough, with his understanding and acceptance, the girl never made any more noise.
In this regard, Dong Yuhui said a sentence that made me, a mother with adolescent children, very emotional:
"I have 10,000 reasons to be angry and criticize with a bad attitude, but the more reasons I have, the more I can't do it.
Because I can't stand on the moral high ground and blame a young man who doesn't know how to express his emotions. ”
Yes, adolescent children, emotional, but not good at expressing emotions.
Their anger, defiance, aggression, and irritability are just sending a signalI need to be seen, to be understood.
Therefore, when dealing with adolescent children, we must listen attentively so that we can empathize with them.
Just like my daughter, for a while, she yelled at me and spoke badly about me, and it was really hurtful to just listen to those words, but I felt her helplessness with my heart.
She lost her temper and pushed me away, and I was quietly there for as long as she needed it.
She accused me of being a bad mom, so I examined myself and apologized.
Gradually, she will learn from me to deal with my emotions and say what I really think.
Close your ears, open your heart, and communication becomes simple.
At the end of the day, adolescent children have a lock in their hearts, and patience and warmth are the keys to unlock them.
Writer Mai Jia said:
"Adolescence is a danger that can go up to heaven or into the ground, it can be a knife or a flower.
We, as elders, have only one choice, to help him become a flower and smooth out the tenacious place; Help him through this phase of the most wobbly, ticking time bomb. ”
It is difficult to be a parent of an adolescent child, but to move through it is to grow and transform.
So, please be patient and confident and give your child freedom and respect, tolerance and trust, acceptance and fulfillment.
By winning their hearts, we can accompany them through their dangerous adolescence and into a better future.
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