After my child was depressed, I realized that she was sick for the whole family

Editor's note:

The essence of the relationship is to see who creates anxiety and who bears and defuses anxiety.

Recently, my friend Yaoyao excitedly told me that her daughter is finally ready to return to the third year of junior high school! The year before last, my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and began to take a leave of absence. Yaoyao went through a number of problems that made her feel desperate

Unable to communicate with the child, the child hides when he speaks;

The child is rebellious and has a big temper, and when he cares about it, he will be furious;

Children are disgusted with learning, and they have to be told a lot to move.

As a parent, how to deal with it can get twice the result with half the effort.

Why is the child avoiding me? The moment she learned that her daughter was diagnosed, Yaoyao was panicked and anxious. She would like to communicate more with her daughter and encourage her to get through the difficulties, but her daughter always avoids her. For example, her daughter was playing with her mobile phone in the living room, and as soon as Yaoyao opened her mouth, she didn't say a word, and her daughter immediately went back to the room to lock the door. "In that case, when will I be able to return to school? Yao Yao was anxious. At one dinner, she kept asking me what to do. I reminded her what to pay attention to when communicating with anxious children, how to listen, etc. But I found that she didn't listen at all, and just repeatedly:"I hope she gets better now, why does she keep avoiding me! ”Yaoyao can't wait to have a line book, and she just needs to read it, and she can immediately ** daughter. For a moment, I actually hoped that the dinner would end quickly, because Yaoyao was so anxious that it gave people a strong sense of oppression. It was clear to me that the magic method she longed for did not exist. I couldn't meet this strong expectation, so I also had the idea of hiding. Aware of this, I told her how I felt and reminded Yaoyao: Your daughter may feel the same way – she knows that adults want her to be well, but she doesn't know what to do and can't respond to this expectation, so she instinctively wants to hide. In fact, this is the reason why many parents and children cannot communicate:I'm too anxious to change the other party. Even if this intention is not spoken, the child can feel it. Therefore, as a parent, the top priority is not to ** the child, but to recognize the fact that the child will not get better in the short term, and reduce the purpose. This is very different from the logic of adults - usually we deal with things, and the more purposeful we are, the easier it is to move things forward. But parent-child communication is just the oppositeThe more parents want to reform their children, the more pressure the child will feel, want to run away, and be reluctant to communicate. Therefore, this matter cannot be rushed, in fact, there is no need to rush.

When a person has something on his mind, he will definitely take the initiative to talk to someone close to him.

There is only one reason why children hide:Feeling insecure

What Yaoyao has to do is not to pry the child's mouth open, but to let go of the purpose of transforming the child, so that the child feels safe, and when the time is ripe, the child will naturally speak.

So, I suggested that she turn her attention to herself, arrange her time first, and do something to relax herself, whether it is exercising at home or socializing with friends. When her focus is not entirely on her daughter, her daughter can improve her sense of security. After about 1 month, my daughter went from being autistic in the room for a long time to occasionally wandering around the living room and having a brief conversation with her mother. Admittedly, this change is still far from the resumption of school, but it is a good start.

Obviously well-intentioned and caring,Why do you trigger emotions? Why does paying less attention to your child improve the situation? In fact, in the face of the kind care in the eyes of parents, what children feel may not be warmth, but may be suffocation. For a long time, Yaoyao has never understood one thing: why does he care about his daughter kindly on weekdays, but his daughter is angry? For example, remind your daughter to read a book when she has time, ask her if she wants to go back to school, and tell her to go out and walk more. But these well-intentioned words were strongly rejected by her daughter. It wasn't until Yaoyao reduced her intervention in the child that she slowly figured out the reason. Out of concern for her daughter, her husband, in-laws, and relatives will ask about the child's situation through Yaoyao every day:

"My daughter is like this, you hurry up and think of a way! ”

How long does she have to take a break from school? ”

Is the child feeling better? When would you like to go to school? ”

Once, her in-laws reminded her to encourage her daughter more. Yao Yao couldn't stand it anymore, and retorted sharply: "Enough! Can't you give your child some space, talk about it all day long, it's annoying! The in-laws hurriedly clarified:"We're just concerned, why are you angry? ”This sentence suddenly made Yao Yao feel extremely familiar. She has said the same thing to her daughter countless times. At that moment, Yaoyao understood her daughter's feelings. Later, I told her that a reasonable "concern" can be clicked and stoppedMaddening care is endless. Because, the latter hides 2 layers of meaning:1.Not accepted: You must hurry up and get better, we only accept your good, not your bad; 2.Distrust: We don't believe you can get better, so we have to remind and confirm it repeatedly. The more often you care, the stronger the other person's feelings of disacceptance and distrust, so they instinctively want to refuse to be cared for. And getting angry is the most common way to refuse. After perceiving this, Yaoyao looked back at her past experience and had a new understanding - all along, the family has always cared for her daughter - reminding her to study hard, to be cautious in making friends, not to have strange patterns in clothes, not to have too long bangs, not to walk too much, and to speak softly. And these words would be said countless times until the daughter did so. However, behind every sentence of over-concern, there is a man dressed in a cloak of gentlenessMandatory requirementsThey are like shackles on the child, and over time, the child becomes both timid and inferior, rebellious and irritable, and eventually anxious. Knowing this, Yaoyao's concern for her daughter has decreased, and at the same time, she will remind her family to give her more space. Slowly, her daughter will take the initiative to talk to Yaoyao about her troubles, and she is willing to go out to meet people, and everything is getting better.

Abandon the co-operation after the show,For the first time, I felt my child's autonomyOf course, as a mother, Yaoyao still can't be completely unworried. Although she has minimized the pressure on her daughter, she still hopes that the child can recover faster. Last summer, Yaoyao's best friends planned to form a group to travel and bring their respective children. Yaoyao thought to herself, this is a rare opportunity for her daughter to relax, maybe going out for a walk can relieve anxiety and return to school as soon as possible. But when she talked about the plan, her daughter was very reluctant, and after a long time, her daughter still didn't agree. Speaking of this, Yaoyao felt tired and regretful, and seemed to have missed an opportunity to make her daughter better. I asked her:"Do you think the purpose of traveling is more to make your daughter feel better, or to make you feel that your daughter is better? ”Yaoyao thought for a while, feeling that he valued the latter. In fact, these two seem to be similar, but they are fundamentally different. When parents want their children to study hard, behave obediently, and play less on mobile phones, as long as they say this thing a little toughly, the child will usually do it, but often cannot persevere. At this time, parents will think: You are all good in the front, and if I don't say it later, you won't do it, which means that I haven't said enough. So began to nag repeatedly. But in essence, the reason why the child will cooperate in front of him is not that he is really willing to do it; It's that they know that if they don't cooperate, the consequences will be more troublesome, so they grit their teeth and forcibly pretend to be what their parents expect. Because this change doesn't come from the heart, it can't last. If parents fail to see this relationship, they will repeatedly nag, children will repeatedly confront, and internal friction between parents and children will continue. I told Yaoyao:

"My daughter didn't travel, which seems bad, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. Because, at least that's what she really looks like.

If she pushes herself to please you, you will expect more from her when you come back from your trip, thinking that she has to behave better......

But she was tired from the disguise, and she behaved even worse. Then, you will start a new round of internal friction. ”

In fact, it is everyone's instinct to pursue getting better. As long as they don't put pressure on their children, they will be motivated to recover on their own. Many children in modern times are anxious and depressed, not because they don't want to get better, on the contrary, because they want to get better too much, and their own abilities can't keep up with expectations, so they will have psychological problems. So, on the road of parenting,Slow is fast。When growth is led by parents, it seems that the goals and plans are set vigorously and resolutely, but the children reluctantly pretend to cooperate, and the parents do not care, and everything will return to the original shape; On the contrary, when growth is led by children, it seems slow, but every change is sincere, and then growth can move forward in a down-to-earth manner. As Yaoyao created a safe, accepting, and understanding space for her daughter, her daughter gradually recovered, and even began to prepare for the resumption of school.

The best parenting: stop passing on anxietyIn fact, whether you want to transform your child, or you are overly concerned and expectant. There is an emotion running through all three of these behaviorsAnxiety。In relationships, anxiety is transmitted. Children's avoidance of communication, reluctance to meet people, and anger are seemingly problematic behaviors, but in fact they are rebelling against the anxiety of being transmitted. If you compare different families, you will find that some parents worry about education all day long, but their children are still mediocre, and if they don't care about it, there will be all kinds of problems. On the contrary, some parents basically don't care, but their children can consciously learn and grow up well. Such a difference often makes many parents scratch their heads. But a closer look reveals that the main differences are:The former's family is full of anxiety, while the latter is full of trust. The key to trust lies in whether parents can see their children's own strength.

This usually goes through 3 stages:1.Be aware of anxietyBe aware of the process of your child's anxiety and be aware of which words you are saying to convey anxiety to your child. At the same time, you should also be aware of whether you are influenced by the people and things around you. It needs to be admitted that the educational environment we live in today is full of anxiety and full of indicators for children and parents. With such high standards, there is a general sense of frustration for all. 2.Cut off the transmission of anxietyReduce the transmission of anxiety to children, and reject the anxiety transmitted to us by the outside world in a timely manner. Take Yaoyao, for example. On the one hand, she prevents the family from transmitting anxiety to the child, and at the same time keeps herself away from the circle of chicken babies; Avoid being influenced by excessive standards from the outside world, to criticize children, and form internal friction in the family. 3.Testimony: To see the child's automaticity and spontaneityOnly when the high standards fade can we see the strength of the children themselves. When they feel safe, they connect with others, and when they are respected, they confide in their hearts. When they get their energy back, they want to try to get better. This is both a child's potential and everyone's nature. On the road of children's growth, anxiety is a curse, and believing is a blessing. Since ancient times, the previous generation has worried that the next generation will not have a good time. But history proves that each generation will always find its own way of survival in its own unique way. Don't worry when your child doesn't grow the way you envisioned it, because the trajectory of human growth is always unexpected. May you and I be able to alleviate anxiety on the subject of parenting