If you want to seek change in this world, let yourself be the change.
- Gandhi
What's the most important thing right now?
I don't want to shout who is going to change, the most important thing for me is to change myself first, I change myself, and everything will change with it.
Seek solutions from problems
It's really not easy for me to break through this threshold of self-change.
I want to know what is the way to love myself, what is self-sufficient, and how to break down these big concepts into small behavioral concepts.
For example, acceptance, allowing, non-judgment, daring to express and so onSeriously perceive these behavioral concepts and apply them to every detail of life.
During this period, I have experienced a lot of processes of not accepting, not allowing, constantly judging, and not daring to express.
In the process, I exposed a lot of problems, made me feel that there was really a problem in my life, and I really realized the seriousness of the problem, and I had to find a way to seek change.
Why aren't we happy
Since reading "Nonviolent Communication", I can feel more and more that many of the problems in life are problems caused by poor communication, and they are all problems caused by poor expression.
Each of us longs for happiness in life, and the basis for achieving happiness is to have a harmonious and loving social system, a harmonious and loving social family, and a small family.
In this kind of system composition, we need to realize the warmth and effective connection and communication between people, so that our social system will be more harmonious and loving, and we will feel more and more happiness in the process.
But in today's society, many places are actually full of complaints, many people are full of loneliness and anxiety in their hearts, many people have been feeling unsatisfied, and many people may not have felt what a happy mood is like for a long time.
The reason for these problems may be that we do not get a good connection with the people around us, people around the world, and do not enjoy the warm connection process that comes from interpersonal communication.
Throw away old patterns of behavior and live your life again
In "Nonviolent Communication", a set of reasonable communication methods can be used to effectively resolve various problems and conflicts.
Of course, this method requires a long period of awareness and practice.
Under the constraints of society, we have developed many habitual reactions since childhood, so that we continue to live our own lives.
These inertias, such as repression, denial, argument about right and wrong, scolding, etc., appear in communication, and we may need to give ourselves enough time to accept and adapt to them.
It is necessary to continue to make a little change in awareness, slowly lose the old behavior and habit patterns, reorganize and adapt, and live a new self again.
We all live in anticipation of others
Isn't it wrong to have expectations of others? ”
Yes, having expectations of others proves that some of our needs need to be obtained from others. ”
Then you still say don't expect anything from others? Isn't that a negation of expectations? Aren't our needs taken from the outside? ”
Yes, we need to have a link model between people, in this process, the indispensable existence needs are exchanged, value exchange, but sometimes, when we are not aware of it, others do not give us satisfaction according to our expectations, we may have various emotional problems, and this emotional problem appears in the communication language, resulting in problems in our communication style. At this point, our needs may be even more unmet. ”
Then I can't expect anything from others? ”
No, let's take a look at the different processing patterns of the following story. ”
Xiao Qi and Xiao Liu made an appointment to meet, but Xiao Liu was late and had no news to inform each other.
Xiao Qi's treatment method 1:
Why hasn't Xiaoliu come yet, why is she always late? "The more I think about it, the more irritable I become, and the worse I feel.
finally waited for Xiao Liu, and Xiao Qi complained about Xiao Liu's tardiness as soon as he opened his mouth, and there was dissatisfaction in the whole conversation. The effect of the final conversation was not as expected.
In this mode, Xiao Qi expected the other party to arrive on time, but Xiao Liu did not arrive on time, nor did he send a message explaining why he was late.
This made Xiao Qi feel disrespected and ignored, which gave rise to all kinds of unhappy and angry emotions.
It is equivalent to Xiao Qi, who punished himself for other people's faults and made himself lose the good mood of a happy day.
Xiao Qi's treatment method 2:
Why hasn't Xiaoliu come yet, and she hasn't replied to the message, is she delayed by something? ”
Anyway, it's not here yet, it's useless to worry, just do what you want to do quietly and wait for later."
After 10 minutes, I finally waited for Xiaoliu and heard her explain the reason why she was late, and the mobile phone happened to run out of battery on the way, and she encountered a traffic jam again.
Two different ways of dealing with teammates being late bring different communication effects, which can affect the effect of the final conversation between the two people.
In this kind of expectation and satisfaction, the other party's tardiness is the other party's problem, and how you perceive the other party's tardiness is your own problem.
When dealing with various problems, we also need to be able to empathize.
If the other party is late, through communication with the other party, the other party feels that the act of being late is not so important, and it is okay to be late, which is also a reminder that we can reduce cooperation with this person.
So, there's no need to get angry about this and lose yourself the good mood of the day.
Instead of expecting others to meet our needs everywhere, we should always feel our own needs and what our needs are not being met.
If our need is to be respected, and others are not meeting my need to be respected.
Unmet needs can be courageously expressed through communication, and this applies to non-violent communication.
For example:"It's annoying that you're late, and I feel like you're not paying enough attention to our conversation. Can you tell us why you're late? ”
This uses the four elements of "Nonviolent Communication".
In communication, we can apply[Observe, feel, need, request].to complete an effective communication.
You're lateCommunication that directly vents emotions and communication that expresses facts will bring different communication effects. Many times, when we are unaware of detaching our emotions and looking at events, we need to achieve the four elements of non-violent communication, which is actually not easy, and we need to continue to cultivate awareness of ourselves.It is the fact of observation.
Makes me feel angry].
Speak out about your emotional feelings.
I don't think you're paying enough attention to our exchange
Speak out about your need to be valued.
Can you tell us why you're late? 】
Say what you want.
Sometimes, it may be that we are hindered from using nonviolent communication because we have various fears and fears, which suppress our real needs, which in turn lead to all kinds of anger and unhappiness.
A person who dares to express vulnerability is a strong person
Many times, it can be difficult for us to express our feelings truthfully, we are used to pretending, we are used to not showing and not revealing our weaknesses, and we are afraid that once we expose our vulnerability, we will be looked down upon.
In this state, in communication with others, it may be always on guard, so it is difficult to live your true self, so it is even more difficult to say your true needs and feelings.
People who dare not say their true needs and feelings must also be unhappy in their hearts, and they will accumulate too much unhappiness in their hearts, and their emotional outbursts will also be displayed in the communication mode from time to time.
In fact, we are all mistaken, the disguised strength, this superficial strength is the manifestation of vulnerability, the real strength is the person who dares to show his vulnerability and boldly ask for help.
In this way, we will open our hearts more and let others know what kind of person we are, instead of suppressing ourselves too much and at the same time making our lives unpleasant.
Therefore, in "Nonviolent Communication", it is very important to express your own needs and feelings.
It also means that we can accept that we have various emotions, that we can accept that we are imperfect, and that we can ask others for help to solve our own problems.
The use of non-violent communication requires us to be a caring person, to be able to empathize, and to have more empathy, tolerance and acceptance.
Therefore, it is not easy to achieve non-violent communication well, and we need to continue to cultivate awareness, slowly open our hearts in communication, and communicate openly and acceptably with others.
As long as we can slowly master this communication mode and discard the emotional catharsis communication mode, then, many of our problems in life can be easily solved.