I've heard a saying:Internal friction is a person's spiritual hard labor.
In the face of high-pressure work and complex relationships, I always worry that I am not doing well enough;And,Internal friction is like a dead knot that cannot be untied, and the more desperately you try to unlock it, the tighter the rope will be pulled, unconsciously bound by these unseen thoughts. So, as a consultant with 14 years of experience, I would also like to talk to you about why it is always difficult when we try to get out of the internal frictionWhat are the correct ways to untie the "knot" of internal friction?I hope that at the beginning of the new year, I can help everyone let go of their worries a little bit and start a new life that is not bound by internal friction.A casual look or a word from others will be speculating in their hearts for a long time;
I obviously wanted to refuse, but I just couldn't speak, and I regretted tossing and turning afterwards.
We can first go through the story of Zhang Mei (pseudonym) and see how the internal friction happened. Xiao Zhang is very popular at work and greets his colleagues every day. One day she met her colleague Sister Wang in the corridor, and as usual, Zhang Mei greeted the other party warmly, but the colleague did not respond to her and walked away. This made Xiao Zhang fall into a panic all of a sudden: "Why did she suddenly ignore me?.""I'm usually fine, but you don't even look at meAnd as Zhang Mei was puzzled, she gradually turned againSelf-doubt"Am I doing something wrong?When she was working the other day, was she angry with me?Did I cause her any burden?”
In this way, the villain in Xiao Zhang's mind kept fighting, but she was embarrassed to ask Sister Wang in person. So, the more you try to get a definite answer, the more you can't find it. What's even more exaggerated is that as long as she thinks about and sees Sister Wang, she can't calm down and work hard, and she thinks about all kinds of intersections between the two uncontrollably, trying to find clues. In fact, Zhang Mei's habit of internal friction has been seen in many visits:EasyInappropriate inward attribution – as soon as a problem arises, point the finger at yourself.
If your partner doesn't reply to messages, she thinks she's making the other person angryThe friend's words were cold, suspecting that he had not taken care of the other party's emotionsThe results of the work are not as expected, and they think that they are not good enough and have made mistakes.From a psychological point of view,There is a fantasy of one's own omnipotence hidden in this:Feel like you're in control of other people and relationships, and that everything is in your own right. But when they are ignored by the other party, or when they can't meet their expectations, this illusion is also shattered.
I've also seen some jokes on the Internet that instead of consuming yourself internally, it is better to go crazy and consume others externally.
It sounds like as long as we stop whipping ourselves with the habit of internal attribution, and we can get out of internal friction?
I would like to say that,Easier said than done. Because for people who often have internal friction, this kind ofMood swings and tension are uncontrollable. Just like many people, when they are faced with exams and are named by teachers in class, they can't help but feel anxious, scared, and worried. theseEmotions are instinctively released from our subconscious and are not within the control of our conscious mind. The same is true of Zhang Mei's "sensitive to other people's reactions" model. I still remember that at the very beginning of the consultation, she was extra attentive to my expression and feedback. "Do you think what I said is okay?Isn't that a bit much?Does it make you feel burdened?And when I followed her eager performance and behavior into the depths of the subconscious, I found herThere has always been an unresolved problem.
When she was young, every time she went out to play and came home, her parents would comeEvaluationwithEducationHer performance in front of outsiders:
"It's rude to see uncles and aunts who don't call people. "Patronize yourself to play, and don't let the neighbor's brother, what do you let others think of you?".”These are evaluated for anxiety, on the one handdeepened the fear in Zhang Mei's heart, so that she had to learn to "read words and looks";On the other hand, it also makes her parents' negative evaluation of her like an implanted chip, which accumulates over time and becomes her own evaluation of herself, letThe pattern of internal attribution is more entrenched。However, just after understanding these truths, it is far from enough for Zhang Mei to find the key to unlock her internal friction.Look at what you're doing, how funny it is?”
Because people who have been in mental exhaustion for a long time have long been accustomed to and are good at using "truth" to persuade and persuade themselves.
I'm an adult, and I have to learn to look at the big picture. ”
Logically, I didn't do well enough. However, this kind of intellectualized and emotionally isolated thinking also makes their behavior and thinking patterns gradually become a psychological defense mechanism, resisting the pain experienced emotionally. However, the root cause of mental internal friction is usually related to emotional issues. Only by going deep into the experience of emotions and emotions and seeing why we are in pain can we truly untie the "knot" of internal friction. 
Therefore, every tiny moment in the consultation has a hidden key that belongs to the visitor, which can untie the knot in his heart. Respect every feeling and emotional experienceIn my first meeting with Zhang Mei, it was clear that she was nervous, helpless, and flattering in the face of strangers.
And when I went with herDeeply perceive, experience, and discuss these feelings and emotions。It seems that there are always two villains fighting inside her, one is herself and the other is her nurturer. Her parents' harsh criticism of her made Zhang Mei habitually examine and condemn herself, and this relationship model was also projected by her into a variety of relationships, including counseling.
All of this helped me and her understand how her early years of parenting influenced her relationship patterns. So, when you're alone, you can also try to be more aware and don't let go of every tiny emotion, which is precious.
Engage in the interaction of relationships
In the consultation, Zhang Mei always cautiously asked my opinion, and she would also show the fear of a child, as if I had become her nurturer. At this time, Zhang Mei and I were both consultants and visitorsBe both a participant and an observer
Our interactions and emotions are real, and there is a safe and protected space for us to be aware of and talk about our feelings.
It was also in this process that Zhang Mei gradually abandoned blindly using "truth" to solve problems, and slowly opened up the emotional receptors. If you have such a relationship around you that you can talk about, try to talk more about your grievances and innocence, so that these emotions can be seen and understood by another person, and you will no longer bear all this yourself. 
Create new relationship experiencesWhen Zhang Mei recreates those hurt experiences in counseling, I, as a counselor, will not judge, demand and condemn her like her parents. All of this allowed her to let go of the burden on her body and gain a feeling of being respected, accepted, and supported.
As she repeatedly experienced this good, inclusive relationship in counseling. Over time,Those wounded experiences are gradually replaced by new relationship experiences, and the knots of internal friction are untied little by little. So, you can also help you create such new experiences through some good, deep relationships and companionship around you.
Of course, everyone's specific experience is different, and Zhang Mei is also a fictional character based on the visits I encountered based on my consulting experience. In real life, perhaps the problems we encounter will be more complex, and the process of exploration will be full of uncertainties. At this time, there is no need to be disappointed, no need to be frustrated, just give yourself more patience and time, and if necessary, you can also seek professional help and try psychological counseling. I am also willing to accompany you to understand the pain and struggle in the depths of internal friction, listen to your true thoughts, accept your emotions unconditionally, and help you become yourself better.