"My parents and I were like strangers. ”
Zhang Hengrong, a psychological counselor at the Guizhou 12355 Youth Service Desk (hereinafter referred to as "Guizhou 12355"), received such a call in September this year: Lin Lin (pseudonym), an 18-year-old girl, called ** for help, and she didn't know how to talk to her parents normally, "Whenever I talk to my parents, I feel very awkward and don't know how to get close to them."
Lin Lin is a left-behind child who grew up without his parents and only has the opportunity to meet once a year. Due to the long-term separation from his parents, Lin Lin felt that he could only communicate with his parents normally when he regarded them as strangersWhen you treat them as relatives and try to get in close contact, you always feel awkward, but you don't know how to communicate.
Zhang Hengrong felt the anxiety and uneasiness in Lin Lin's heart. The long-term separation between the two places has led to a sense of alienation and isolation between Lin Lin and his parents. She actually cares about her parents a lot, but she doesn't know how to get close to them, and she doesn't know how to face them. She very much hopes that when facing her parents, the psychological pressure will not be so great, she will not have so many entanglements before speaking, and she can chat with them about family life, make jokes, and express her hopes normally. ”
In the limited connection time, Zhang Hengrong expressed his understanding of Lin Lin's anxiety and comforted her that it was normal to not have the opportunity to get along with her parents for a long time and not know how to communicate. "I see that you're also trying very hard to find ways to communicate with your parents, which is great. ”
Subsequently, Zhang Hengrong asked Lin Lin to recall some "exceptional" moments of communication with his parents: "Have you tried to find some ways to communicate with your parents?".Lin Lin told Zhang Hengrong that sometimes his communication with his parents is smoother. I told her, when did you have good communication with your parents, you can remember this moment, and we will continue to use this method next time. ”
With the help of Zhang Hengrong, Lin Lin's mood gradually improved. She told me that she felt that the communication with her parents was more concrete, and she had more strength to face it. ”
In Guizhou, it is not uncommon for left-behind children like Lin Lin to be found. Zhao Jin, a psychological expert and second-level psychological counselor at Guizhou 12355, told reporters that there are a large number of left-behind children in Guizhou. Most of them are raised by the elderly from generation to generation, and their parents basically go out to work, such as going to Fujian, Zhejiang and other places to fish, and entering factories to work. The parenting concept of the elderly is more traditional, they will think that they can eat, wear, and go to school, and ignore the psychological attention of children. "Many children who stay at home are relatively weak in emotional management, and in addition to this, there are also problems such as loneliness, low self-esteem, and fragile social relationships. ”
In Zhao Jin's view, staying behind is an objective phenomenon, which will bring some problems to children. For example, when children do not have the opportunity to communicate with their parents and do not know how to communicate with their parents, they may also have problems communicating with others. "People develop relational models from their relationships with their nurturers. When children see how their parents relate to themselves, they will Xi this part and get along with others. When this part of getting along with parents is missing, children will not be able to learn how to socialize with others, and there will inevitably be some problems in this area, including relationships with parents. ”
When a child is not with his parents for a long time, he is not sure whether his parents love him and accept him, and he will worry that what he says will cause his parents to have a bad opinion. "These situations can cause children to be afraid to communicate, unable to communicate, and unwilling to communicate with their parents."
In addition to this, the child is also unsure whether the parents are willing to communicate with him. Zhao Jin believes that many parents of left-behind children do not know how to communicate with their children, and in daily conversations, except for asking their children's food, clothing and school Xi grades, there is no other topic, and they may even ignore it, and only play once after a long time. Parents don't know how to communicate with their children, which also causes children to not know how to communicate with their parents, and there is a big psychological gap between the two. ”
In the parent-child relationship and family education of left-behind children, it is the parents who are still important. Zhao Jin believes that when we teach children many methods, if children try but do not get a response from their parents, they will still hold back, so the willingness and awareness of parents is very important. "When parents are willing to communicate with their children and master the ways and means, the children will be motivated. ”
How to better resolve the psychological dilemma of left-behind children?Zhao Jin suggested that parents should pay more attention to their children's emotional and mental health, and should not just ask their children to be obedient, only discuss grades, and make unwarranted accusations. She recommended some actionable inquiry sentences: "Parents who are far away should play more, and frequent communication is very important in itself." Don't ask too much why when playing **, you can try to ask your child, how are you feeling today, what did you play today, your voice seems to be unhappy, do you have something to tell your parents. Zhao Jin suggested that parents can tell their children what they have done, so that their children know that their parents go out to work for the betterment of this family, not that they don't want him.
Zhang Hengrong suggested that parents of left-behind children should take the initiative to enter the hearts of their children, and schools can also provide more care for left-behind children, and the most important thing is to build their self-confidence, so that they have the courage to express themselves and know that they have been loved.
Founded in 2005, Guizhou 12355 Youth Service Desk currently has 5 full-time staff and more than 60 volunteers such as psychological and legal counselors. Zhang Hengrong told reporters that the consultant answered ** 24 hours a day, with 4 operators on duty from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., and two operators on duty from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. the next day. When you need psychological counseling, legal aid and other services, dial 0851-12355 to access Guizhou 12355 psychological and legal consultation**.
From January to November this year, Guizhou 12355 received a total of 9,770 requests for help from teenagers, with a service satisfaction rate of 9882%, the connection rate has always been 100%, and 43 crisis cases have been intervened and handled, and we are committed to resolving the confusion and mental anxiety of teenagers.
*: China Youth Daily).
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