Jackie Chan welcomes the New Year
When children enter puberty, their bodies and minds will change dramatically, and they may become like a child who will be ** at any time"Bombs"。
As parents, we need to be patient and calm to help them through this stage of development.
Get out of here, don't come into my room! ”
With the child's roar, I took back the hand that had given the fruit and looked helplessly at the closed door.
Such scenes have been staged repeatedly in my house in the past six months.
It has been said that accompanying an adolescent child is like accompanying a grumpy tiger. I know that.
Since his son entered junior high school, he has become irritable and impulsive.
Small things can trigger his anger, and confronting me and yelling at me has become a daily routine.
One morning, because he might be late, I urged him to hurry up, but he said coldly, "It's none of my business to be late." ”
I asked him if he had written his homework, and he replied irritably: "Keep asking, it's annoying!" ”
One midterm exam, his math score dropped badly, and I couldn't help but be angry and asked why, but he didn't care, "What is this, you guys aren't satisfied anyway." ”
Every time I do this, I feel heartache and helplessness.
How many times, in the dead of night, recalling our cold relationship, watching his regressive results, I silently wept under the covers.
I still don't understand why the obedient and self-disciplined child disappeared.
The more anxious you are, the more likely you are to lose your temper.
By chance, I told a friend who was working in homeschooling about my troubles.
After listening to my complaints, she pointed out my mistakes:
You're too impatient! ”
Looking at my puzzled eyes, she continued to explain:
Adolescence is a transitional period full of ambivalence and rebellious behavior.
Physiologically, because the prefrontal cortex of the brain is not fully mature, children are prone to impulsivity and lack self-control;
Psychologically, they crave independence and want to be free from parental control.
But as a parent, not only did I fail to understand him, but I was more anxious than him, and I always wanted to suppress him with authority, which was tantamount to adding fuel to the fire.
Looking back, I was a real person who always sought perfection.
When my son's behavior exceeded my expectations, I became anxious and tried to get him back to what I thought he was as a "good" child.
As a result, the more anxious I was, the easier it was to lose my temper with my child.
He was struggling with school and procrastinating on his homework, and I anxiously circled around him, unable to help but nag and urge;
His grades dropped, and I blamed him for not working.
I remember one time, my son was fighting at school, and I rushed to the school in a rage and scolded him without listening to his explanation.
Later, when he learned that his classmate deliberately kicked his stool, he just fought back.
It's too late to regret it, my anger has already broken his heart.
Since then, our relationship has completely deteriorated.
Psychologist Winnicott once said, "The mother who influences her children the most is the anxious mother." ”
If parents fail to face up to the changes in their child's brain and body during adolescence and blindly become anxious, it is easy to lose control and hurt the child.
The more anxious you are, the more rebellious your child becomes.
My friend's words woke me up, and when I got home, I looked up more about puberty.
I found that due to the immaturity of the brain, adolescent children are inherently impulsive, rebellious, and face-loving.
If you are emotionally intense, tough and rough with them, they will be a hundred times tougher and more intense than you.
reminds me of a talk show I watched "Dialogue Through the Curtain", in which the relationship between mother and daughter is tense.
The mother thinks that her daughter does not understand her hard work and is extremely rebellious.
Once, the mother privately registered her daughter for the competition, and the daughter said angrily: "I won't go if I am killed." ”
The mother was so angry that she shredded her daughter's new clothes;
The daughter retaliated by cutting all her mother's clothes.
The mother waited for her daughter to apologize, but the daughter said, "It's a small thing, she has to make a big fuss." ”
In this atmosphere, the smell of gunpowder became stronger and stronger.
The "Hercules effect" in psychology illustrates this conflict:
The more coercive the parent, the more rebellious the child becomes;
In short, even if you can't get along with me, I will make you uncomfortable.
No wonder every time I try to suppress my son, he is always unusually angry.
When parents have conflicts with their adolescent children, the more anxious and tough they are, the more rebellious the child becomes.
Parents may be able to suppress their children with authority, but they can also resist and make you helpless.
Getting along with an adolescent child needs to be half a beat slower.
Knowing what the problem was, I started looking for a solution.
Seeing an experience shared by a psychology teacher inspired me:
She was particularly rebellious during her adolescence. One day, she got angry at her sister over trivial matters, and her sister ran to complain.
She was ready to confront her mother, but her mother just looked at her calmly and said calmly, "Your sister has been in a bad mood lately, don't pay attention to her." ”
This made all her anger extinguish in an instant.
This story touched me.
Adolescent children are like a sensitive dynamite that can only cope with their impulsiveness and rebellion if they remain calm.
Therefore, I decided to get along with my son half a beat slower and three points slower in the future.
1.Keep your temper in check – stay calm.
Adolescent children are irritable, and if parents are also excited, it will inevitably provoke conflict.
When dealing with adolescent children, parents need to remain calm and accept their emotions.
Once, I worked hard to cook a table of food, but my son only ate two bites and put down his chopsticks.
In the past, I would have been furious, but this time I calmly asked, "What's wrong?" Get up on the wrong side of the bed? ”
My son was amazed at the change and told me that physics was hard and that I didn't do well on my exams.
I affirmed his efforts, comforted him to take his time, and helped him figure out his way.
After that, my son's attitude towards me softened.
If parents can accept their children's emotions and changes, understand and tolerate them, it is the beginning of improving the parent-child relationship.
2.Talk less and listen more – avoid nagging and preaching.
Teenage children resent excessive attention and advice from their parents.
As a result, I learned to shut up and be less nagging and preaching.
No longer urging my son to go to school in the morning; Don't talk about learning at the dinner table; At night, he cooks instant noodles, and I don't dwell on them, silently cleaning up.
Conflicts at home have decreased, and we have started to live in harmony.
3.Respect for space – give freedom and respect.
I used to want to control everything about my son, but now I give him enough space and respect.
not to enter his room; Comics are allowed; Weekend celebrations with friends are also supportive.
Gradually, the son became more independent.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said: Parents should help their children become kings in their own land.
Let go of control and give children room to grow, so that they can have the energy to do good and become independent.
After three months of adjustment, the results are remarkable:
My son is self-conscious, his grades have improved, and our parent-child relationship has also blossomed.
Adolescence is a challenge for both parents and children. I hope that all parents can establish a good emotional connection with their children and accompany them through this journey of growth.