During the just-concluded Spring Festival holiday, many people found that they didn't want to stay at home for too long after returning home for a few days. They repeatedly made compromises in order to cater to their parents, and then felt excruciating pain in their hearts after reluctantly agreeing to their parents' requests.
丨 "I found that when we got along with our parents, our views were always not in harmony. Blindly insisting on one's own opinions will hurt one's parents, but blindly obeying one's own heart is against one's own heart. It was heartbreaking to see my parents working hard, but I felt exhausted when they completely ignored my feelings. ”
丨 "I hovered between hatred, pain, and pity repeatedly, unable to give up, unable to blame, unable to understand their concepts, but unable to abandon their nurturing grace. ”
This happens not only with parents, but also in other intimate relationships, such as between lovers or friends. Although we love each other, we are reluctant to agree and may even resort to threats when the other person makes a request that we find difficult for us to accept; Even if you hate to do this in your heart, you lack the courage and ability to draw a line with the other person.
Obviously in an intimate relationship, we should be happy, why do we sometimes feel so tired and helpless?
In the name of love, it is actually emotional blackmail
Only by staying with me can you be a good obedient child", "I work so hard, it's all for you", "Are you willing to let your child live in an environment where the relationship between parents is broken"...This kind of "kidnapping" in the name of love is commonly known as emotional blackmail.
No matter how intimate our relationships with others are,Once the other party finds that he has not achieved his goal, he will force us to compromise and obey in a threatening way. And we often get caught up in it, without even realizing that we are being emotionally blackmailed.
Psychologist Susan Foward defines emotional blackmail in her book Emotional Blackmail as:Use other people's fears, sense of responsibility, and guilt to control them for their own ends.
When the other party tries to break you down and force you to compromise, it usually shows the following behaviors:
- Trying to manipulate you:The other party seems to never stop, and you have to say yes;
- Ignore your justifications:The other party ignored it and turned the conversation around ("You have a point, but ......Or think that your opinion is not worth mentioning;
- Believe that you are more selfless and noble:"I'm doing it for our good, you're being too selfish to do this. ”
- Unwilling to take responsibility:It is clear that the other party is also responsible for the conflict between you, but the other party refuses to admit his fault and thinks that the responsibility lies with you.
In emotional blackmail, the other party's wording and expression may be different, but there is still a common element in their essence. Next, we will go into detail about the manifestations and common tactics of emotional blackmail.
Displays and tactics of emotional blackmail
The requests of two people in their daily interactions are equal. Coercion is not used when one party wants the other to make a change. The other person will not attack your personality because you reject something.
Emotional blackmail, on the other hand, is an attempt by one party to manipulate the other. When we don't agree to the other person's request, it is difficult for the other person to accept itThey will use words such as "why don't you listen to me for your own good" and "if you don't agree, let's end it" over and over again to force us to compromise. In a relationship, both parties are in a position of command and obedience.
In fact, emotional blackmail can be divided into four categories:Punishment, self-punishment, complaining and inducement.
01 Punishment
Punishment is a manifestation that is easy to identify. As soon as we refuse the other person's request, it will cause their anger. Punishment can be divided into positive punishment and negative punishment.
Positive punishment is a direct threat to the other person, for example, "If you don't lend me money, we'll break up." "If you're not working from home, don't go home. ”
Negative punishment, on the other hand, is to suggest that the other person reflects on his mistake through silence. The other person will remain silent and will not communicate with you until the request is met.
02 Self-punishment
Self-punishment is the threat of one's own happiness and even one's life to others in order to force them to meet their demands.
For example, self-harm to keep a lover who is leaving, or suicide to keep a child who is about to leave the family.
03 Expressing bitterness
Bitter people often blame their predicament on unfortunate fate and are unwilling to consider whether they have a problem. They will transmit a lot of negative energy to others and make you feel like you should make them satisfied.
Sporadic whining and venting is understandable, after all, we all do when our emotions are out of control. However, if you find that the other person is constantly transmitting negative energy to you and hinting in words that you need to do something for him, you need to be wary of emotional blackmail.
04 Induction
Inducements are often hidden beneath promises and sweet words. The other side is good at spotting our needs and using them as a tool to claim that if we don't do what they ask, we won't get anything.
They ostensibly give encouragement and promise love, money, or career, but these are false promises that can never be kept. It took us many disappointments before we realized that we were being emotionally blackmailed.
In this society, there are all kinds of psychological manipulators who may resort to different means and ways to achieve their desired ends.
When we try to express our opinions and emotions, we are often labelled as "emotional" and "exaggerated" by othersThus negating the truth of our expressions.
They always accuse us of "why are you so excited?" Obviously I didn't say anything, you're just too sensitive. ”
When they can't control our emotions, they look for others to support their position.
For example,When some people are urged to marry by their families, they have to deal not only with the demands of their parents, but also with the persuasion of relatives and friends of their parentsand often takenFilial piety, social normsand other topics.
Psychomanipulators compare others to us. Faced with this comparison, many people will constantly succumb to the demands of the other person, trying to prove that they are not worse than others.
They like to say, "Everyone else can do it, so why can't you?" ”
Ways to deal with emotional blackmail
a Change in past cognition and behaviour
Often faced with emotional blackmailWe often give in because we have set a negative ending in our hearts, thinking that making the other person angry or leaving will bring chaos to our lives.
At this time,We can give ourselves positive hints first"I'm strong and I can take it. "Change the negative voice, and the outcome may not be bad.
b Use the SOS method in the process of coping with emotional blackmail
The SOS method consists of three steps: Stop, Observe, and Strategize.
The first is to stop. In emotional blackmail, the other person creates a sense of urgency and forces you to make a decision right away. To tell the other person that we need time to think.
Whatever the other party requests, we can respond with one of the following:
I need time to think and can't reply right away. ”
I need time to think about it, let me think about it. ”
I'm not sure about your request yet, shall we talk about it later? ”
The second step is observation. The blackmail scene is like a performance, the authorities are confused and the bystanders are clear. At this time, we can change our perspective and give ourselves some space to get information. Taking the example of a parent saying to their child, "You go to work in another city, are you unwilling to stay with us?", we can try to observe and analyze the needs and conditions of both parties in the extortion from the following perspectives:
Observe each other:What exactly do they want? Why would they make such a request? If I don't agree, how will the other person react?
Observe the other person's request itself:Is this demand reasonable? What needs can I meet and what I can't? Will this need hurt me? Does the other person consider my feelings?
Observe yourself:What are our thoughts and feelings in the current situation? What is it about the other person that makes us feel out of control and feel blackmailed?
After analyzing the needs of both parties and figuring out the intentions of the other party, we move on to the third stage:Planning。At this stage, we can subtly fight back or reject the blackmail.
When confronted with a direct threat from the other side, we can stand our ground and tell the other person that this is just their decision and perception, and that we have the right to choose a different response.
If the other person makes personal attacks on you, labels you, or keeps asking you "what are you dissatisfied with and what are you going to do", then we can take a deep breath and let go of our emotions and what we are about to retort.
Because once we get out of control emotionally, we will fall into the "trap" set by the other party and thus be blackmailed. So we can say to ourselves that we should let go of those words and refocus on the issues discussed.
丨 "How did you become so cold, it wasn't like this before".
丨 "I'm indifferent or not, let's continue to discuss what happened just now, I can't accept your approach. ”
In addition, we need to constantly define our boundaries. Sometimes if you give in once, the other party may not be blackmailed. It's because we're used to accommodating others, blurring our boundaries in order to meet the needs of others, constantly compromising, and completely ignoring our own feelings, leading the other person to think that "you can do it anyway."
Establishing boundaries is a long-term, ongoing process. We can start small and learn to say no.
丨"Are you going to eat together?" If you don't go, you're not a good friend. ”
"No, I'm going to prepare for the exam recently, so let's talk about it later." ”
In general, when confronted with words that try to evoke our feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt,We need to concentrate on the purpose of the discussion。It's not that we can't feel these emotions, we can still feel scared and guilty, it's just that we can choose to respond differently than in the past.
If your friend has been or is going through this,This article can be shared with TAMay we all be able to get out of the predicament of being bound by love.