Parents, as the first teachers in a child's life, play a key and decisive role in their child's growth. The relationship model of the family is like an emotional account, and if the family members can continue to save affection with each other, even if there is not enough material resources, the family will be happy.
On the contrary, if a family always consumes emotional accounts, even if the daily income is rich, everyone's life will not be happy. Many times, it is the mode of getting along that determines whether a family's emotional account ends up being surplus or bankrupt.
In the psychological development of children in the early years, the influence of the mother is much greater than that of the father. Mothers almost determine whether their children have enough security, intimacy, happiness and motivation to grow. Fathers are important guides in their children's growth and self-identity.
When dealing with children with disordered behavior, we often need to make a detailed analysis of the relationship between mother and son or mother and daughter in the early years, and we can usually see a mother who is very strict but has a strong sense of responsibility or a father who is as strict as a strict mother.
As early as the fifties, doctors who were engaged in family ** put forward the psychological concept of "marital tilt", which believed that one parent in the family has a tendency to dominate the family in a destructive way, while the other parent appears dependent and weak, and is submissive to it.
Children grow up to see this inclined relationship as normal, lose the ability to be an equal relationship, and either rely on it or have power.
In this regard,Zhang Peijuan, a teacher from the research center, said that balance is the first principle of family relations, and tilting is another balance. The mother's sense of role is too strong, so that the father's role in the child's growth is weakened, and even forced to wander outside the intimate relationship and parenting relationship of the family.
Due to the imbalance, the interaction between the child and the mother does not have the psychological buffer space generated by the father's involvement, and the right to make adaptive choices in the parent's behavior is lost, and the child's response to the mother's behavior is simplified to obedience and disobedience.
Over time, the motivation for growth is suppressed, and the desire for change and confrontation is exhausted, resulting in a delay in the development of the child's mind.
If the family wants the child's problems to disappear, you can ask the family if they are willing to change the tilt relationship first to see how the child's problems change in a balanced relationship. Most children's behavioral disorders are initially directed at the family, especially at the closest person – the mother. Therefore, if you want your child to change, parents should be the first to change.
Parents who complain about their children's lack of autonomy and independence are often the ones who suppress their children's independent thoughts and behaviors, forming a "vicious circle" from which the family is trapped and cannot extricate themselves.
This paradoxical situation in family education is described by psychology as "pseudo-reciprocity" in the family. Families in pseudo-reciprocity seem to be a harmonious family, with parents thinking about their children and children sharing their worries for their parents, but in fact, each family member is depressed and restricted, and their mood is not happy.
When we walk into a family, we ask our children what is in the family that we can only understand and not say. We often find that almost all families have some restrictions on what they can communicate, and these restrictions represent the cultural consciousness of the family, the hierarchy of rights, and the "rules" of the family, from which the intimacy of family members can also be measured.
Let's take a look at one of these scenarios:
When the child came home, he excitedly said, "Dad! Mother! I finished fifth in my class in this exam. ”
Mom said seriously: "Then who is the first place in your class, tell me"?
Dad then said, "Why didn't you make it to the top three".
The child put away his smiling face, lost his happiness, and hid in his cabin. The parents smiled and said, "Our children are really good."
Worrying about the child's pride and not sharing the child's happiness openly makes communication between members of the family uninteresting, and the child's enthusiasm for parental approval is also frustrated. A child's state of energy is the state of his life.
Chattering and reasoning, seemingly for the good of the child, is actually eroding the child's energy. Because children only feel the distrust and manipulation of their parents, many rebellious children expend their energy on resistance rather than change.
Our parents are accustomed to making decisions for their children, from dressing and eating, to studying and working, as if it is a parent's dereliction of duty if they do not manage carefully. Parents originally intended to be good for their children and create an ideal living space for their children, but the result was to ignore the natural and vivid and diverse characteristics of children's growth, which happened to make children lose the opportunity to show their talents on the family stage and weaken the motivation for growth.
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About fish andSea
Fish & Sea Education, is an institution that focuses on adolescent psychological counseling. In the past 8 years, it has provided high-quality services to more than 38,000 families. The exclusive research and development of "Concentric Circles Family Education Ecosystem" has been upgraded to the seventh generation; The "581 Dual System Dynamic Adjustment Method" based on "concentric circles" has been highly praised by a large number of parents.
The predecessor of Fish and Sea Education is the "Fish and Sea Psychology Exchange Group", which was established in 2015, and the eight co-sponsors are education leaders, primary and secondary school teachers, college teachers, hospital psychiatrists, and experts in the psychological counseling industry. After the establishment of the studio, andIn 2019, it was operated as a company, with the research center located in Beijing and the operation center set up in Zhengzhou.
Fish & Sea Education has always attached great importance to product research and development. Its subordinate [Fish and Sea Family Education Research Center] regularly holds product seminars, and there are more than 100 seminars at present. At the same time, the center cooperates with colleges and universities, and invites a number of university psychology professors and psychology doctors to serve as researchers.
Yuhehai Education explored the guidance model of "offline + online" earlier, and became a pioneer in the field of adolescent psychology in March 2020. The online guidance service, which was launched due to the sudden epidemic, has been very popular due to its privacy, convenience and efficiency, and has unique advantages, and has achieved significantly more guidance results than offline.
Adhere to refined service. In 2020, Yuhehai launched the "2020-2025 Fine Project", proposing to be before 2025"Only 3,000 families are served each year".
Stick to warm actions. In 2016, "Fish and Sea Public Welfare" was established. In the past 6 years, "Fish and Sea Charity" has affected more than 1,000 families and touched 10,000+ children.
Continue to output original content. Up to now, the top platforms of Yuhehai Education have published original youth psychological science articlesarticle, Zhihu answeredArticle, popular science**, the total number of views has exceeded one million.
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Editor-in-chief of the column: Qin Zhiyu.
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Produced by Fish and Sea Family Education Research Center.
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