1 Yesterday at my parents' house, my parents fried several dishes for me, and I specially bought hairy crabs!
My parents saw that I didn't move my chopsticks, and unanimously advised me: "Eat!" Eat! ”
I was so embarrassed: "Dad! Mom! You eat first, and I'll eat what you have left!" ”
My mother praised me: "I can't imagine that you are so sensible when you get married and go out to live!" ”
Dad's nose was sour: "You tell me the truth, how long has your daughter-in-law abused you like this!" ”
2 Fa Xiao just walked out of the community not far today, he found that the mobile phone was stolen, said that it was too late, and he immediately caught up with the thief! When the thief saw the situation, he took out his knife and said that if you follow me again, I will stab you to death! Hair**: Big brother! How can you use it without a charger! I've got it for you!
3 My wife sat on the sofa and watched the drama, and I made her a few cups of coffee in a row. After the fourth drink, she got up to go to the bathroom, and I quickly put the two hundred dollars hidden under the sofa into my pocket. At night, my wife couldn't sleep with insomnia, digging three feet into the ground at home, and the two hundred yuan that I didn't have in my pocket was hot, plus the few catties of steel hammers I usually hid, almost all of them became her trophies!
4My wife asked me to help her peel fruit, I picked a big duck pear, and I felt that she couldn't finish it, so I cut half of it for her.
She shouted hysterically: We have been together for five years, and you want to share pears with me! Okay, separate and separate, and go to the Civil Affairs Bureau tomorrow!
Me: Wife, I didn't mean to, just forgive me this time, right?
Wife: It's okay to forgive you and bring the other half!
5 I handed my daughter-in-law 500 yuan: this is what the boss gave him happily after he got drunk. Daughter-in-law: Isn't it the same if you hold it? Me: Alas, this windfall has not been in my hands for a long time, that time I picked up five yuan, the electric car tire was punctured, it was easy to win 200 in the lottery, and I didn't go for a while to scrape someone's car, and I just paid it all to others. At this time, the daughter-in-law's mobile phone rang. **Father-in-law's voice came from the other end: Liyun, I took the child to play on the street, this child has nothing to do to tease the stray dog, he was bitten, and we are now in the hospital ......My daughter-in-law glared at me, threw the money on me, put her bag on her back and hurried out!
6A young man bought a roasted sweet potato and put it in his armpit and went to the hospital in order to obtain a sick leave certificate. After taking his temperature, the doctor was taken aback, and the mercury column rose to the top. The doctor touched the thermometer a little sticky and shouted: "Oh my God, the burn is so bad, the body temperature has cooked all the sweet potatoes!" "Haha!
7 I accidentally bumped into a woman and happened to touch the sugar gourd she was holding in her hand, I immediately apologized and told her that I would buy her a new one. But she was very arrogant and pointed to the sugar gourds scattered on the ground and said: "If you have red dates in the hawthorn, you must compensate me for the same one." I smiled, calmly went to the place that sold sugar gourds to buy one, brought it to her and said, "Look at it." Then when she fell to the ground in front of her, she said, "Exactly the same." Woman: "I'll go, what a handsome move!" ”
8 In a park in Shanghai, Xiao Zhang was chasing a kite, so focused that he didn't pay attention to the pond in front of him. As a result, I accidentally fell in, and the people around me were stunned. Xiao Zhang crawled out of the water, and his wet appearance drew laughter from onlookers. He laughed embarrassedly and continued to run after the kite.
9 "Mom, I want to go for plastic surgery!" ”
How? Do you think your mother isn't pretty enough? Or do you think your dad isn't handsome enough? ”
Mother! You misunderstood, I'm going for breast augmentation! ”
Dead girl, you can't have a boyfriend who doesn't care about your dad like you? ”
10The father wanted to test whether his daughter who was in kindergarten could sort out the relationship between family figures, so he asked her, "Who is Dad's mother?" ”
Answer: "Grandma." ”
Asked, "What about Mommy's Mom?" ”
Answer: "Grandma." ”
Dad was very happy and asked, "Then who are you grandma?" ”
Answer: "Grandma! ”
Asked, "Who are you grandma?" ”
Answer: "Little ancestor! ”
11 Returning home for the New Year, Dad's new routine of forced marriage.
When I went home for the Chinese New Year, my father asked me to go over to play chess, I thought to myself that I hadn't played chess with him for more than ten years, and I was a little emotional, looking at my father's wrinkled face, I passed.
When my father saw me coming, he started playing chess, but he lost two pieces. He slapped the table: What about the object?
I'll go, this new routine of forced marriage, caught off guard!