1 Xiaoli dreamed that her grandmother came to her house as a guest while she was sleeping, and gave her two pieces of chocolate.
Xiaoli didn't want to pick it up, and said to her grandmother: "You haven't been here for a long time, you should give me five yuan!" ”
As soon as she blurted out the words, she woke up and found that there was nothing in her hand, so she immediately closed her eyes again and muttered, "Please forgive me, grandma, I only need two pieces now." ”
2A: My girlfriend said she was in love with someone else and wanted to break up with me.
B: What's the big deal about that, it's all too common now.
A: Who said that it is common, when I fell in love with someone else, I didn't break up with her.
B: I can only say that your girlfriend is of a higher quality than you.
3 and a few friends to eat hot pot, the dishes are on the found that my pair of chopsticks is missing, called a long time the waiter did not come, they first put the dishes in the pot, after a young waiter, I said waiter girl, do you believe I can eat hot pot dishes with bare hands? (I thought she would say I didn't believe it, so I was furious and said that you don't take chopsticks) As a result, she actually said a brother, you are so powerful, I will take a look at the performance, I have never seen ......Why don't you play cards according to the routine!
4. My cousin, who just went to college, came to me and cried, saying that she was tanned after military training, and her boyfriend couldn't stand it and wanted to break up with her. I comforted her: This kind of stinky man, don't do it, such a good girl doesn't know how to cherish it, what's wrong with black spots, can I be black no matter how black it is? My cousin burst into tears and laughed: Well, my sister is so dark, no one has ever wanted it, and she is so optimistic, I want to learn this spirit from my sister!
5 An elderly couple who are reluctant to cook plays cards to decide who loses and who does it, and they use the objects of life as cards.
The old man took out a pair of hoes and put them on the table and said, "A pair of sevens; The old woman took out two gourds and said: One pair of eight;
The old man took out two eggs and said, "A pair of eggs," and the old woman took out a pair of tongs and said, "A pair of sharp eggs;
The old man grabbed the two ducks and said, "One against two", and the old woman hugged her grandchildren and put them on the table and said: "A pair of imps;
The old man hugged the old woman on the table and sat down on it himself, saying, "A pair of big ghosts." Then the old woman suddenly laughed, she let out a fart and said: Bomb! Then the old man lost and went to cook.
6 called a taxi, and I: "Master, how much does it cost to go to the south square of Beijing West Railway Station?" ”
Master: "20. ”
Me: "Didn't they all use to be 18?" ”
Master: "Seeing that you are so beautiful, I will charge you two more yuan." ”
He makes so much sense that I can't even argue with it!
7. I haven't received your message for a long time, and I'm very distressed.
I thought about dying, I cut my veins with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and jump over a building with a parachute.
I hung myself with noodles, but I didn't die.
You're going to have a meal and I'm going to die.
8The mother bought her son a parrot and rode home. In the car, the son asked his mother, "Is this parrot male or female?" "Mother's. The mother replied. "How do you know? The son asked again. There was silence on the bus, and the passengers wanted to hear what the mother had to say. I saw that she replied unhurriedly: "Didn't you see that it put lipstick on its mouth?" ”
9 sister-in-law and her daughter-in-law are at odds and often quarrel, but yesterday it escalated to a hands-on fight! After some fighting, the sister-in-law who had been strong all her life was defeated, and she sat on the ground cry......ing very lonelyI asked my cousin-in-law, who told you to marry such a tall daughter-in-law in the first place? My sister-in-law sobbed and said, "At that time, I just wanted to be a big man and able to do farm work, but I didn't expect ......."”
10 My wife went out to travel, and I checked the post at night. Wife: "Where?" Husband: "At home!" Wife: "There's a hundred dollars pressed under the pillow, read the number to me!" Husband: "I'm sorry wife, I can't tell you the code, I confess, I bought cigarettes for 100, but I didn't spend it, and there are 80 left." Wife: "Actually, I put 10 yuan under the pillow." Husband: "....
11 The young man cried to the master: "Master, I failed the college entrance examination, I couldn't get into the university, my parents scolded me, and my girlfriend left me, please accept me and let me take refuge in Buddhism!" ”
I saw the master take out a stack of college entrance examination materials, and the young man suddenly realized: "The master is telling me not to give up the college entrance examination and fight again next year, right?" ”
The master shook his head and said, "Donor, we only recruit undergraduates and above, you better go back and be admitted to the undergraduate program first and then come for an interview!"
12My son asked me, "Dad, you said you were so ugly, how did you get your mother?"
The daughter-in-law replied: One person gave him the greatest support back then!
Son: Who!
Me: You! 